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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: How much of a helping hand do we owe our children

    A recent blog on Tellinitlikeitis, looks at the issue of what we owe our adult children. Grown children who demand help buying a house or regular babysitting or loans that are really gifts–that can feel like parental failure, and parents may be culpable for being enablers when this happens. Many of us get much joy from giving our children gifts–significant gifts such as help with a down payment on a house. But things can get out of hand.
    For those in that position–their adult children are demanding, whether it's for goods or services–may be interested in this point in the blog:

    "When children become adults, parents do not owe them a down payment on
    a house or money for the furniture. Parents do not have an obligation
    to baby-sit or to take their grandchildren into their home when the parents go on vacation. If parents want to do it, it is a favor,
    not an obligation. Parents do not “owe” their grown children financial
    help or an inheritance regardless of how much money a parent has.
    Parents must learn to cut the financial umbilical cord for their own sake and for the sake of their children."

    Here are some books that address the point: Eileen Gallo and  John J. Gallo,: Silver Spoon Kids : How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Children; Gary W. Buffone: Choking on the Silver Spoon: Keeping Your Kids Healthy, Wealthy and Wise in a Land of Plenty.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesters: Profile from the UK on kids moving back home

    We are not alone. The phenomenon taking place here is also raging in the U.K. According to this survey of British home life,

    Nearly one in ten parents have grown-up children
    living with them–young adults who have been "priced
    off the housing ladder."

    The parents are not only
    looking after their kids well into adulthood, but are also caring for grandchildren.

    One
    in four give regular financial help to their grown-up
    children; 7 per cent don't get any financial contributions for the household from their adult children.

    The biggest help these parents of grown children are giving, this survey says, "is by
    funding their grown up children's housing costs, by allowing them to
    carry on living at home for free."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Helicopter landings: Overprotecting adult children does not pay off

    There’s an interesting discussion on the perils and pitfalls of helicopter parenting–of the sour fruits parents reap when they don’t let their grown children grow up and take care of themselves–at this web site. While many of us think of the moms as the overprotective parent, this is a story about a dad who does too much.
    It reminds me of a dad I know who was having trouble letting go of a 29-year-old daughter. “I
    know she has to take off the water wings,” he said, “but what if I’m
    not in the water to catch her.”

    here’s a grab from the entry on jimsjourney.wordpress.com:
    “His children were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, but they didn’t have to do it.

    I remember one day in particular that the man was more than a bit
    irritated; he had to go home and change the oil in his forty-year-old
    son’s car. On further questioning, the man revealed the true reason for
    his anger… the oil should have been changed weeks earlier.

    The bottom line is that his children were only partially to blame.
    On the surface, it appeared they were taking advantage of Daddy. In
    truth, Daddy had a personality that needed to be needed.”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Helping support a grown child

    At last, a financial planner who isn’t all bean-counter and estate-protector. There is, says Aaron Katsman, more to having an adult child move back home than rental agreements or fees for food. And more to providing them with a temporary stipend than a loan contract.

    Keying in on the recent, economy-based phenomenon of older adult children–in their 30s and 40s–losing a job and either moving back home or needing significant financial assistance, he makes some points that struck a common-sense chord with me:

    “Isn’t the point of having
    money, aside for trying to provide a comfortable lifestyle, to try and
    help out those less fortunate? Wouldn’t a struggling daughter fit that
    bill?”

    “If parents are themselves stretched financially, they don’t have to
    actually shell out money for the child. Rather, they can provide a roof
    and help that way.”

    “Neither parents nor children view moving back home as a desirable
    outcome, but if left with no choice, would you actually refuse to
    support your child?”

    You can read more on this blog, http://bizzywomen.com/

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesters: Moving back home and dating a jerk

    Here’s an interesting discussion about the pain a father feels about his daughter’s boyfriend. She’s moved back home and is involved with a man the father does not like. He sees the relationship as dysfunctional and possibly abusive.How hands-off should he be? What to do when your daughter is involved in a bad relationship that could either scar her emotionally or lead to a bad marriage.
    Here’s an edited version of what the “expert” had to say.


    First, our grown children are responsible for their own lives. While it is easy for us to look over their shoulders and second-guess their choices, they are the ones responsible for their actions. Your daughter may, sadly, need to learn some difficult lessons before letting go of this destructive relationship.


    Second, there may be more to your daughter’s relationship than meets the eye. Is it possible that her boyfriend has some wonderful traits that you’re overlooking? 


    Third, destructive relationships can be very strong, in a negative way. It may take her hitting some kind of bottom before she lets go of him.


    Fourth, since she is in your home, you still can set some limits on her. You have the right to determine such issues as curfew and behavior within the home. You should not be expected to tolerate any abusive behavior that occurs in your home, to you or to your daughter. Should your daughter fail to abide by your boundaries, you may have to ask her to leave.


    Finally, don’t underestimate the power of setting a positive example for your daughter. As you exemplify a loving relationship between you and your wife, her mother, you provide a power example that will impact your daughter. 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Letting the kids in on estate planning

    A few weeks ago I blogged about having “The Chat” with your grown children–the chat being about where your assets are and how they can track them down when you’re no longer here to tell them. When my mother had The Chat with me, it always gave me the creeps. And now I  am my mother.

    Here’s an update on letting your adult children know about your estate planning, with advice from legal experts in this article. The key point: Regardless of the wealth of a family, “an annual family meeting can help you create a comfortable forum for discussing your values, priorities and goals related to managing money — and important details about your wishes for the disposition of your estate.
    Family meetings also enable parents to clarify their intentions related to any possible misunderstanding that might arise from disproportionate splits of an estate. This is especially important when re-marriages and second families are involved, or when parents want to name charities or unknown entities as beneficiaries.”

    A practical note: “Identify your executor and specify where you keep your will and other important documents and investment
    account statements. …At
    least one family member should be aware of the location of important records.”

    There now, that shouldn’t be too bad. If only we could divorce money from emotion.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesting: To have or have not a contract with your adult children

    Parents of 20-somethings–especially recent college graduates–are experiencing a steady march of children returning to the nest. It’s a hostile economy out there: difficult job market; horrendous credit crunch; rising prices for everything. And it’s not just the 20-somethings, as the reports noted in earlier blog entries make clear. But all that raises the question of what sort of rules should parents set when the kids come back to the nest.
    An interesting discussion of the issue is in a recent College Times story:

    Written contract or no?  “Experts say there is no right answer because the dynamics of each
    family are different.” That said, CT’s experts say, it’s important “to have a plan,
    preferably in writing, that spells out the new relationship. It
    can be as simple as a contribution toward household expenses, or it can
    be chapter and verse, but the reunited family needs rules.”
    One of the experts quoted is John  L. Graham, a business professor at University of California at Irvine
    who co-authored a book about the move-back phenomenon, “Together Again, A Creative Guide to Successful
    Multigenerational Living.” It’s not only about young adults returning to the nest but elderly parents moving in as well.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Daily Lives: What do they really want from you?

    Jen’s mother-in-law is visiting. She’s come from her home in Michigan to help with the Washington, D.C. baby–five months old and gurgling. Jen’s just come back to work–she has the office next to mine–and she needed the help: Her husband is away at a conference and she has some obligations this week that would make it hard for her to get home in time to pick up the baby by day-care “curfew.”
    She and her mother-in-law are getting along very well, Jen says. Except for one small thing: Should the baby stay home with grandma or go to day care? Her mother-in-law stayed home with the baby on Monday. On Tuesday, she suggested the baby go to day care. “You don’t want to get her out of her routine,” Jen’s mother-in-law said. 
    Here’s the conversation I had with Jen:
    Jen: I’d much rather my baby stay home with her grandmother. I don’t care about breaking the routine.



    Me: Maybe that’s your mother-in-law’s way of saying, “‘It’s too much for me.”


    Jen: I can understand that. And I’d be happy to take the baby to day care. I just want her to be honest with me.


    Me: That can be hard. She loves the baby. She wants to be helpful. But it can be hard staying home all day with the baby.


    Jen: Well, I asked her if she preferred I take the baby to day care. She hurt her ankle the other day and I told her I could understand that it might be hard on her leg to move around with the baby. I asked her to be honest with me. And she just said, “You shouldn’t break a baby’s routine.”


    I know what Jen is talking about. I also think I know what her mother-in-law is saying. You want to be helpful; you’ve come to your daughter or daughter-in-law’s house to help out. But it’s confining and lonely and, depending on the Grand’s age–tedious [newborns sleep the hours away] or exhausting [you’re on guard every moment]. I’ve used similar subterfuges to avoid saying, “It’s too confining and lonely. This isn’t my house. I have nothing to do here–you don’t want me taking over your kitchen or putting my imprint on your house. I need a break.”
    Jen’s point: It’s OK to say I don’t want to be home with the baby all day today. Just don’t pretend it’s otherwise, because that way the best interests of the baby may not be being served.


    That may be what she says. But is honesty the best policy? What would you do?


    I

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    The Only Child Speaks Up: “Take your hands off the controls.”

    A recent story in a Canadian newspaper touched a lot of buttons for parents of adult children, and particularly of “only children.”  The story is the  adult child’s complaint about the tight controls parents exert, even as the child approaches marriage. The writer, an only child who is marrying an only child, says she noticed the stepping-over-boundaries during the wedding-plans phase but that the over-involvement is moving into the choice of where to live.
    Part of the answer to the writer’s plea likened the only child to a little and much-beloved emperor. But the bottom line was this: Whether it’s outwardly apparent or not, part of the parents’ dream is that “you
    will become an independent adult with all the tools to make life
    choices yourself. Unfortunately, parents are rarely willful enough to
    cut the cord themselves–you have to do it.” And it will hurt.
    If you see yourself in this, you might want to check your intrusion factor and pedal back.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesting: They can go home again

    We’ve got yet another study on grown children and money. This time it’s not about how we parents are helping them pay their bills or buy a house  (we can be so wonderfully generous, can’t we?), but about the pressures that force them home again and how we ought to deal with the boomerang kids.

    A recent story in the Washington Post looked at the three-year trend for moving back home: nearly half the about-to-be college grads plan to do so after they graduate. The survey, courtesy of MonsterTrak, also found an uptick in this year’s rate-of-return: where 22 percent of last year’s survey respondents said they planned to live at home for six months or so, a year later, 43 percent of them are still there. Chief among the reasons for staying put:debt–college loan and credit card.

    Moving back home for an extended time isn’t necessarily healthy for either the parents or the grown children. They lose their independence and we get to see our grown child’s habits up close and personal.

    The Post story listed some issues that should be discussed “before the bags are unpacked.” These start with rent [will it be levied], length of stay and personal financial information.  The experts quoted in the story say we parents have a right to that information in order to keep tabs on our adult child’s progress toward independence [and a move out of the house].  “If they don’t want to be accountable to you,”  the advice reads, “then they need to get up and out of your house.”

    Tough love. And a form of love that doesn’t sit too well with some of us. Having to have a contract with our children? Ick. Charging them rent? You’d have to be in desperate financial straits–unless you were putting it in a savings account for them so they’d have a nest egg ready when they’re ready to move onward and out.

    Any other thoughts on where you’d come down on dealing with a re-feathered nest?