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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    After the Minneapolis Killings: Nora Ephron on parenting grown children

    There are challenges to being a parent of adult children: They may not look or behave as we might want them to; our relationships can get testy; they may keep us out of the loop of their daily life and decisions. And yet there’s one constant we have: We love our children and want to keep them safe.

    That struck me with force this week as I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain Alex Pretti’s parents are experiencing, to see the videos of their 37-year-old son–an ICU nurse who made a positive difference in his patient’s lives–murdered on city streets by government troops. No, let’s call them what they are, thugs hired and paid by our government.

    • And then to have federal officials claim Pretti was a terrorist before an investigation had even begun!
    • Even in their sorrow, his parents released a statement which included this line: “The sickening lies told about our son by the administration are reprehensible and disgusting.”

    I have found it so relentlessly horrifying I hardly know how to keep from weeping for the Pretti’s, for Renee Good’s family (she was shot down a few weeks before Pretti was) and for the men, women and children snatched illegally from our streets and their homes. It’s disgusting and disheartening to live in a country that promotes and pushes such policies.

    My apologies: I cannot keep politics out of this blog when I have even a limited platform to remind readers of the horrendous and callous events taking place on the streets of American cities–and how we, our children and grandchildren are at risk.

    In search of some balance in these dark days, I turned to Nora Ephron’s “I Feel Bad About My Neck.” Her few sentences on the joys of grown children mixed with the never-ending concerns for their safety seem particularly relevant today.

    Every so often, your children come to visit. The are, amazingly, completely charming people. You can’t believe you’re lucky enough to know them. They make you laugh. They make you proud. You love them madly. They survived you. You survived them. It crosses youor mind that on some level, you spent hours and days and months and years without laying a glove on them, but don’t dwell. There’s no point. It’s over.

    Except for the worrying.

    The worrying is forever.”

    photo credit: Maia Lemov

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Refilled Nests: “It’s the choiceful economy, stupid,” thus explaineth Stay-at-Home sons.

    I had coffee yesterday with one of the caregivers who had taken care of my husband when he was ill.

    • When I asked N, who migrated here some 20 years ago from Ethiopia, how full her work schedule was, she told me one client had cut back her hours from three 12-hour shifts to three 10-hour shifts; another had reduced her work time from five mornings a week to three. “They don’t have the money,” she said.
    • Last September when we went for a walk, N’s sons were studying computer science at the state university. Yesterday, she said they were transferring to community college. They would live at home and she wouldn’t have to pay for food plans or dorm rooms.

    Is this what corporate executives mean when they increasingly refer to consumers as being “choiceful?” Or, as a NYT story defined what the executives meant by their term: “Consumers are either spending less at retailers or purchasing a smaller overall volume of products.”

    We parents of grown children–especially of sons in their 20s and early 30s–may be experiencing a similar choice, or at least similar trendy phrasing. As news media have been reporting, there is a marked increase in the use of the term “Stay at Home” son. That is, a young man, often in his 20s or 30s, who lives at home with his parents while taking on domestic duties like cooking, cleaning, and running errands, in exchange for rent-free living or minimal costs. Similarly,”trad son” and “hub son” are bandied about. They’re used to describe a similar living arrangement and to talk about the reasons behind the trend, if it is a trend. .

    • Vanity Fair tells us: “An unapologetic generation of young men are not only happy to be living at home, they’re documenting their lives as “hub-sons” on social media.
    • [NewsNation] reports: The term is a play on words from the “traditional wife.” ….Instead of the traditional wife who stays at home doing the housework, that role has been reversed to a new generation of men.

    What’s behind young adult men becoming comfortable as Stay at Homers? Here’s one media’s outlook:

    • *Finances – Times are tough, money is tight, rent is expensive, and just when you find a good job, all the prices seem to go up. It’s getting harder and harder to win at life.
    • *Relationship – Dating has always been an awkward challenge, but add to the mix how polarizing social media has made people, the high demands and expectations of a relationship, the odds that your potential partner is in the same financial state or worse, and the list can go on and on.
    • *Mental Health – Add all of these together, and it’s easy for people to just give up on the pursuit of a better life. Longing for the simpler time that home gave.

    From my caregiver’s decisions for her sons’ education to well-educated young men already in the career job world, choicefulness seems to be the word. For those of us whose sons have moved back home, it may feel good to have an extra pair of helpful hands around the house, but it’s not a good word for the economy our kids are inheriting.

    credit: Arshille Gorky, “THe Artist and His Mother.”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Post-Holiday Downer: We don’t get thanked for the gifts we give.

    If there’s one complaint that rears its head every post-holiday season it’s this: “Where’s my Thank You?” We’ve been generous to our grandkids–or grown kids–but there’s not a peep out of them about their appreciation for a carefully chosen cable-knit sweater or the always-useful cash (by check or Zelle or some other modern monetary form). It’s enough to make some of us feel we don’t want to give again.

    Why does it irk us? And why do we often chalk it up to their bad manners, poor upbringing (on the part of the daughter in law) or inconsiderate behavior? Where’s the gratitude? Why can’t they take the time to let us know they like it or, at the very least, they’ve received our gift. The hurt feelings run deep. And that’s what therapist Lori Gottleib addresses in this NYT advice column.

    The gist of Gottleib’s commentary is not so much about the writer’s grandsons (who have not acknowledged her generous gifts) but about the grandmother’s hurt feelings. The full column is worth reading. Here are excerpts:

    • You’ve framed your grandsons’ behavior as a case of bad manners or moral failure, but I hear a yearning underneath. No matter how much we tell ourselves that gifts aren’t about reciprocity, the reality is that they often hold emotional significance in which both parties are essentially asking to be recognized. The giver wants acknowledgment of their thoughtfulness and investment, while the receiver wants confirmation that they’ve been truly seen. Both are essentially asking, “Do I matter?”
    • When we don’t feel seen or appreciated, hurt feelings can disguise themselves as something else, like concern about good character or proper etiquette, because it’s easier to push pain outward than to say, “I feel unimportant to you.”
    • Do you want thank-you notes, or do you want to feel more connected to and valued by this branch of the family? If it’s the former, you could issue an ultimatum (no thank-you notes equals no gifts), but I don’t think forced statements of gratitude are what you really want.

    credit: Picasso, Still Life

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Leaving a Legacy: Who’s done their homework?

    New Years Resolutions–Intentions or Wish List–are still staring at us from our champagne glasses or to-do lists. Experts who follow resolution trends–yes, there are people who do that–report that the top intentional topics are eating less (or better), exercizing more (or more effectively) and drinking less (or not at all). On a December Freakonomics podcast, host Stephen Dubner mused with Katy Milkman, a behvavioral scientist, about how much store we put in our New Years promises to change. As Dubner put it in the podcast,

    • “January 1st as something of a high holy day” for behavior-change specialists. “Every year roughly half of all Americans make a New Year’s resolution to break some habit, fix some flaw, pick up some new activity.”

    One promise that doesn’t rank high on the fix-it list is making sure our estate plans are in order. That is, whether we who are parents of adult children have created or need to update a will, put together a living will or discussed our end-of-life preferences with our adult children. Not to make anyone feel guilty, this is just a moment to give perspective on where you may sit in the universe of doing your estate planning homework.

    According to a Pew Research report, only about three-in-ten U.S. adults say they have created:

    • A will that describes what to do with their assets and belongings after they die (32%)
    • A living will or advance health care directive in case they are unable to make their own medical decisions (31%)

    The older we are, the more likely we are to have taken care of this stuff. Here are the Pew breakdowns by age:

    • Among adults in their 60s, 46% have a will and 44% have a living will or advance directive. About a third or fewer among adults under 60 have created these documents.
    • Roughly two-thirds of adults in their 70s (66%) say they have created a will and 64% have a living will or advance directive.
    • About eight-in-ten of those in their 80s or older have done these thing.

    Here are some more stats on who’s done what:

    • Looking at age and gender together, women ages 75 and older are the most likely, and men ages 65 to 74 the least likely, to have talked to their adult children about these things.
    • Across age groups, people in higher income tiers are more likely to say they have a will, as well as a living will or advance directive. The numbers: 83% of adults ages 70 and older with upper incomes say they have a will, and 78% have a living will or advance directive. By comparison, 51% of adults in this age group with lower incomes have a will, and 59% have a living will or advance directive.

    As to whether we’ve discussed any end-of-life care with our kids, Pew reports that around two-thirds of older adults have “shared their wishes for medical care in case they are unable to make their own decisions.”

    • Fewer (44%) say they have discussed their preference for their living arrangements if they couldn’t live independently.
    • Parents ages 75 and older are more likely than those ages 65 to 74 to say they have discussed end-of-life preferences with their adult children. There are also differences by gender, with mothers more likely than fathers to say they have had these conversations.

    There’s one other piece of estate planning that long-time readers know I have harped about. In addition to the will and tallking to our kids about medical care, we should leave our children with fewer clean-up burdens. I mean clean closets. Pew hasn’t run a survey on this latter piece of estate planning; I’m data-free on who’s achieving this goal. I can only say to those who resist clearing out the basement bins, attic storage room or hallway closet, You know who you are. Be kind to your kids and your belongings.

    Credit: Robert Rauschenberg, “Third Time Painting”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Good Tidings to All

    With all the talk of toxic family gatherings and the politcal frights of the past year and for the coming one, let’s step out to revel in

    • the warmth of the lights from Christmas trees, Hanukkah menorahs and Kwanzaa candles
    • the fun of the oversized wreaths, chubby Santas and striped candy canes that adorn our neighbors’ doors
    • the brisk beauty of this time of year.

    All will be well. Someday. Hopefully within our lifetime. Here is holiday comfort from the meditative Tara Brach:

    “May your moments over these days be filled with presence, with peace, and with a sense of belonging to life and holding this precious world in your heart.”

    photo: Trondheim, Norway’s Christmas market

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Holiday Gatherings: What to do (and not do) when your adult child brings someone special home?

    All families have their holiday traditions. For those of us who plan a full family get-together over an extravagant holiday feast, there may be a surprise in store when our grown kids head home. They may bring a new love interest, someone who may be a possible new partner in their life. Or they may use the family setting to announce a commitment to someone we’ve already met.

    Amidst all the tumult of various family members pouring through the doors and taking up residence on the sofa, how do we deal with our child and their guest who may become an important person in our lives?

    Writing in Psychology Today, Jane Adams has some pertinent advice. It starts with this important point about what our kids may be up to:

    • By bringing someone home and incorporating them into the family tradition, they’re not asking for your permission or even your blessing.

    Here are some of Adams’s expansions on that point.

    • The holidays, which often reunite far-flung kith and kin under one roof for celebratory rituals, are a popular season for couples presenting a ring or otherwise committing to a relationship with a future, whether or not an engagement or marriage is formally announced.
    • Although a blessing would be nice, it’s not required. Young adults aren’t really asking, they’re telling. Their closed circle is opening up enough to admit you, unless you express your doubts, concerns, or misgivings.
    • They don’t want your judgments, they’re not asking for your advice or opinion, and unless or until they do, keep it to yourself. Maybe you don’t see what they see in him or her, but you don’t have to, although there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Tell me what you love about them,” or even asking, “When did you know this was It?” not in a challenging tone but a gently curious one.

    I love her final piece of advice:

    • Grab the newest member of your family, get them under the mistletoe, and plant one on them—after all, it’s a blessed time to open your heart as wide as you can.

    This column is one that ran last year when this blog was hosted by the now-defunct Typepad. The post seemed worth repeating as the holidays roll in.

    painting: Joanna Concejo, “

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Role Reversals: When our kids share the love we showed them

    As we age into our more mature years, many of us find our kids “parenting” us on the little things: telling us what to do about a checking account, giving us advice on how to dress for the weather or sharing the latest on what we should be eating for breakfast. Some of it’s helpful, even delightful; some of it isn’t.

    On the delightful end, here’s a little gem I found amidst NYT’s Tiny Love Stories:

    • Cathie Gandel wrote that for years she sent her sons off with the same blessing: “Take care of your little selves. You are precious and irreplaceable, and I love you very much.
    • At the end of a recent visit with Matt, her 50-year-old son, she felt a subtle shift in their relationship. “After a final hug at the airport, Matt whispered to me, ‘Take care of your little self. You are precious and irreplaceable, and I love you very much.’ ”
    • “Our roles may have changed,” she wrote, “but the blessing endures.”

    Painting: Carole Baillargeon, “Au Couleur de la vie”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Home Alone: Surviving a holiday weekend alone

    I must have been prescient when I wrote my previous post about people who didn’t want to be with family on Thanksgiving. That wasn’t me, of course. I was looking forward to traveling to my son’s house and being with my son, daughter, their spouses and my grandchildren. Grandpups, too. I was in fine fettle when I spun out a “what if” scenario of not being able to join them. Turns out, the day after I posted , I got sick–not seriously ill, just queasy and congested enough to make dealing with airports and flights intolerable. So I was by myself for the Big Day (Slept through most of it; the upside of being sick.) and the Big Meal (A big loss since my DIL is a terrific cook; I had soup, which was about all I could tolerate).

    I bring this up now because that previous post seems to have tapped into a larger trend. A good number of people want to free themselves from being with family on Thanksgiving. The message they’re sending out: Going back to the family home (often the parental manse) means exposing themselves to dysfunctional family dynamics, being treated like a younger version of themselves or feeling unaccepted. They’re not only raising the issue, they’re writing, podcasting or otherwise broadcasting their feelings about it.

    A case in point is this Washington Post video by Jeff Guenther, aka “Therapy Jeff.” Guenther recalls the bad vibes from previous family Thanksgivings and the relief he’s found in no longer attending the holiday get-togethers. Here are some excerpts:

    • “Every time I’d fly home for the holiday I’d get these awful headaches and feel insanely anxious as I tried to shapeshift myself into the version of myself that I thought my family needed in order to love me.”
    • Ten years ago he stayed home and surrounded himself with friends and “it was honestly the most liberating decision I have ever made.”
    • “A lot of people think you have two options. Either go home and suffer or you stay home and feel guilty. There’s actually a middle path. You can go home strategically and protectively.”
    • “Use gray rocking. Be pleasant, be polite, be boring. Don’t hand them any tender information they can twist into a concern or judgment. Not everyone deserves access to the inner world. Some people only get the surface and that is more than enough.”

    painting: Carl Larsson

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Family Gatherings: Not Home for the Holidays

    The holidays–especially the two big ones in November and December–can loom as a misery for some families. The difficulty of travel, the forced togetherness at an endless meal, the anxiety over family infighting. There are joys, too, but for many of our adult kids who face long miles of travel with cranky children the holidays don’t loom bright.

    Do they have to spend the holidays with us, their parents? That was the question raised in a NYT The Ethicist piece. The answer was penned by ethicist Kwame Anthony Appiah

    For the writer of a letter to Appiah, there are issues about travel with young children and extended-family dysfunctions. At other times of the year, visits to parents are easier to pull off, calmer and friendlier. In answer to the reader’s query about the family’s obligation to travel forth at Thanksgiving, Appiah made two points that sum up our kids’ obligation to us at holiday times and ours to them.

    • Adult kids have special obligations to their parents; family ties matter morally. But those obligations are limited by feasibility, fairness and the interests of the adult child’s household.
    • Ethical “special duties” run in both directions: Parents should also avoid placing recurrent, disproportionate strains on their adult children, particularly when other, workable forms of togetherness exist.

    Not being together for a holiday on a specific day is not the end of the world. A friend, whose kids live a four-hour drive away, doesn’t even bother with a family get-together. Her tradition is to go out to dinner with friends and call it a day. If I can’t make it to my family’s gathering point for the holiday (plane travel is sooo unreliable; the weather can be wicked), I’ll binge on Ken Burns’ American Revolution and store-bought stuffing mix plus I’ll FaceTime virtual hugs with everyone I’m not getting to see in person. At least I think that would keep me in good cheer.

    painting: Norman Rockwell

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: How welcome is our advice?

    So your adult kids are now young parents. Babies are gurgling; toddlers are beginning to walk, drunken sailor style. Pre-schoolers are making friends and picking up reading basics. For us as grandparents, this is such an exciting and joyful time. For some of us, though, it is tempered by our concerns that our kids’ parenting skills are not what we’d like them to be. They aren’t doing things quite the right way–or at least, not how we did them. Is it surprising, then, that when we offer our advice on a better way to, say, organize the grandkid’s toys or make sure the kiddies have cleaned their plates that our adult kids take affront. Joyful and exciting are replaced by tension and fighting.

    Evidently, it happens often enough that Perri Klass, a pediatrician and a grandmother, has written a column on the point, “5 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make.” Even for those of us “not guilty” of any (or maybe just one) of the Five, the column serves as a gentle guide and reminder of how best to share our well-earned wisdom with our grown children, no matter the topic.

    Here’s a summary of the Five Big Ones on Klass’s list:

    • Recognize that parenting patterns change with time. What was reckless for one generation may be conservative for the next one. Or vice versa. We may see the offer of cookies as a snack as a grandparenting indulgence while the parents may see it as a flouting of sugar-rules that are important to them.
    • Don’t blame your child’s partner. If you disagree with steps the parents are taking, remember the parents are a unit and that your adult child is one-half of that unit. If you have a suggestion to make, don’t go behind anyone’s back.
    • Don’t assume it’s the parent’s fault if a grandchild is struggling. “This is not the time to say “I told you so” or to point out that things in the home have been too disorganized or too strictly organized.” Our role is to be part of a support system.
    • Discuss important health issues with respect. You may disagree with the parent choice about immunizations or other important health-care steps. “These can be very hard conversations — in the home as well as in the pediatric exam room — and you have to try to stay respectful, be clear that you’re speaking out of love and concern, make your case, leave the question open if necessary and return to it — and don’t let it dominate the relationship.”
    • Don’t weigh in with advice too often. Pick your battles carefully and, for the most part, wait to be asked for advice. “There may turn out to be issues along the way, but choose those topics carefully — and pick your words with even more care.

    painting: Pierre Bonnard, The Conversation