PenPenWrites

parenting blog, memoir notes, family punchlines & more

recent posts

© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    The Good Guests: What to do when we’re visitors in our child’s home.

    Those of us who have children living in other parts of the world–another country, another state–rub up against a special dilemma: Remembering that it's their home, not ours; that they set the "good housekeeping" rules. It's not easy since we make our presence felt whether we try to be low key or not.  Here are some highlights from an Ask Amy column that deals with the way at least one grown child views the visit.

    "It is a very stressful time for me. They are not particularly good house guests"
    "I find myself overly stressed and wishing the visit would end."
    "I've thought that things might be better if they could stay at a hotel when they come. My mother thinks this is unheard of and I’m a horrible daughter for thinking of such a thing."

    Ooooph. A pretty harsh view–and this is from a daughter who admits to loving her parents and wanting them to come visit. Personally, I always opt for the hotel alternative when possible. It's a real stress-breaker–for everyone, and that includes me. And you? What do you do to make multi-overnights more comfortable for everyone? Or don't you think there's a problem?

    Meanwhile, here are some highlights from Amy's answer:

     "Tell your parents that while you love them dearly, you feel more at ease when you can manage your routine without needing to accommodate every minute of their routine."
    "After you tell them, if they lay on the guilt trip, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. If they decide not to visit, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. Continue to be as loving and caring as you have in the past "

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Vacation Views: Who pays for what

    This is a little too problem-free for my experience, but here's a blog, from Momsbestwisdom that talks about how a family with seven adult children handles the financing and management of a beach vacation together. The gist of what this mom has to say is this:

    –Vacations are an important part of our yearly tradition. My husband,
    Patrick, has always held vacations as a family as an important and
    necessary event. 

    –Now that almost all of our
    children are grown, we have established the tradition of a yearly beach
    trip as a family. Everyone comes–sons, daughters, in-laws, and
    grandchildren. Patrick pays to rent a six bedroom, four bath house with
    a pool, and each family is in charge of making one dinner and doing the
    clean up that day. The family beach trip has been a big success.

    –Patrick and I
    have also gone on several vacations with our adult children and their
    spouses one at a time. It gives us an opportunity to know them as a
    family and gives us a lot of time with grandchildren.

    My hat is off to them if that beach vacation is as raucously happy as it sounds. Maybe the greater the number adult kids and grand kiddies in attendance, the easier it is: You can't focus on any one person's discomfort.

    This next excerpt from a blog–by an adult child at an enfamille beach vacation–takes note of some of the roils behind the raucous good times:

    You
    know, no matter how much you love your family, it is inevitable that
    there will be some level of stress when adult children spent a week
    with their parents and their own children. No major drama though.
    (Okay, there was some drama, who am I kidding? And I really tried to
    stay out of anything and everything was just not any of my business.
    And then I started to worry that I was becoming a hard and uncaring
    person. So you see the Goddess Neurosis, she never deserts me.)

    Anyhow,
    we are so lucky that my parents are able to make this happen, and am
    very aware that one never knows what the future will bring, so CARPE
    DIEM and all that.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Communicating with the Kids: Times to keep your mouth shut–and times not to

    There's a new book out on talking to your adult children–and the advice we all give each other to "keep your mouth shut." Ruth Nemzoff, a scholar at Brandeis University, pulls together her studies on the subject in "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children."

    Here's one of the points she makes in an interview:

    "One of the most important factors in
    maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children is forgiving
    both yourself and your child for not being perfect. " And the definition
    of perfect changes daily, said Nemzoff. "One day it could mean being
    compassionate, and another day it could mean being high achieving with
    conflicting desires, so there is no perfection."

    On the subject of grown kids moving back into the nest between school and job, she had this to say:

    "Tell them what you expect, and invite your
    returning child to do the same. Agreeing together about
    the rules of the house before your adult child returns may be key to
    preventing every out-of-place coffee cup, shoe, or T-shirt from
    becoming a cue to reenact past dramas."

    Ah the reenactment of things past. We all know we press certain emotional buttons when the kids come home, even when it's just for a visit. If only we knew what they were–as well as they do. I haven't read Nemzoff's book yet, but I will and will report back on some of her other insights.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: How much of a helping hand do we owe our children

    A recent blog on Tellinitlikeitis, looks at the issue of what we owe our adult children. Grown children who demand help buying a house or regular babysitting or loans that are really gifts–that can feel like parental failure, and parents may be culpable for being enablers when this happens. Many of us get much joy from giving our children gifts–significant gifts such as help with a down payment on a house. But things can get out of hand.
    For those in that position–their adult children are demanding, whether it's for goods or services–may be interested in this point in the blog:

    "When children become adults, parents do not owe them a down payment on
    a house or money for the furniture. Parents do not have an obligation
    to baby-sit or to take their grandchildren into their home when the parents go on vacation. If parents want to do it, it is a favor,
    not an obligation. Parents do not “owe” their grown children financial
    help or an inheritance regardless of how much money a parent has.
    Parents must learn to cut the financial umbilical cord for their own sake and for the sake of their children."

    Here are some books that address the point: Eileen Gallo and  John J. Gallo,: Silver Spoon Kids : How Successful Parents Raise Responsible Children; Gary W. Buffone: Choking on the Silver Spoon: Keeping Your Kids Healthy, Wealthy and Wise in a Land of Plenty.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesters: Profile from the UK on kids moving back home

    We are not alone. The phenomenon taking place here is also raging in the U.K. According to this survey of British home life,

    Nearly one in ten parents have grown-up children
    living with them–young adults who have been "priced
    off the housing ladder."

    The parents are not only
    looking after their kids well into adulthood, but are also caring for grandchildren.

    One
    in four give regular financial help to their grown-up
    children; 7 per cent don't get any financial contributions for the household from their adult children.

    The biggest help these parents of grown children are giving, this survey says, "is by
    funding their grown up children's housing costs, by allowing them to
    carry on living at home for free."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Helicopter landings: Overprotecting adult children does not pay off

    There’s an interesting discussion on the perils and pitfalls of helicopter parenting–of the sour fruits parents reap when they don’t let their grown children grow up and take care of themselves–at this web site. While many of us think of the moms as the overprotective parent, this is a story about a dad who does too much.
    It reminds me of a dad I know who was having trouble letting go of a 29-year-old daughter. “I
    know she has to take off the water wings,” he said, “but what if I’m
    not in the water to catch her.”

    here’s a grab from the entry on jimsjourney.wordpress.com:
    “His children were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, but they didn’t have to do it.

    I remember one day in particular that the man was more than a bit
    irritated; he had to go home and change the oil in his forty-year-old
    son’s car. On further questioning, the man revealed the true reason for
    his anger… the oil should have been changed weeks earlier.

    The bottom line is that his children were only partially to blame.
    On the surface, it appeared they were taking advantage of Daddy. In
    truth, Daddy had a personality that needed to be needed.”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Helping support a grown child

    At last, a financial planner who isn’t all bean-counter and estate-protector. There is, says Aaron Katsman, more to having an adult child move back home than rental agreements or fees for food. And more to providing them with a temporary stipend than a loan contract.

    Keying in on the recent, economy-based phenomenon of older adult children–in their 30s and 40s–losing a job and either moving back home or needing significant financial assistance, he makes some points that struck a common-sense chord with me:

    “Isn’t the point of having
    money, aside for trying to provide a comfortable lifestyle, to try and
    help out those less fortunate? Wouldn’t a struggling daughter fit that
    bill?”

    “If parents are themselves stretched financially, they don’t have to
    actually shell out money for the child. Rather, they can provide a roof
    and help that way.”

    “Neither parents nor children view moving back home as a desirable
    outcome, but if left with no choice, would you actually refuse to
    support your child?”

    You can read more on this blog, http://bizzywomen.com/

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesters: Moving back home and dating a jerk

    Here’s an interesting discussion about the pain a father feels about his daughter’s boyfriend. She’s moved back home and is involved with a man the father does not like. He sees the relationship as dysfunctional and possibly abusive.How hands-off should he be? What to do when your daughter is involved in a bad relationship that could either scar her emotionally or lead to a bad marriage.
    Here’s an edited version of what the “expert” had to say.


    First, our grown children are responsible for their own lives. While it is easy for us to look over their shoulders and second-guess their choices, they are the ones responsible for their actions. Your daughter may, sadly, need to learn some difficult lessons before letting go of this destructive relationship.


    Second, there may be more to your daughter’s relationship than meets the eye. Is it possible that her boyfriend has some wonderful traits that you’re overlooking? 


    Third, destructive relationships can be very strong, in a negative way. It may take her hitting some kind of bottom before she lets go of him.


    Fourth, since she is in your home, you still can set some limits on her. You have the right to determine such issues as curfew and behavior within the home. You should not be expected to tolerate any abusive behavior that occurs in your home, to you or to your daughter. Should your daughter fail to abide by your boundaries, you may have to ask her to leave.


    Finally, don’t underestimate the power of setting a positive example for your daughter. As you exemplify a loving relationship between you and your wife, her mother, you provide a power example that will impact your daughter. 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Letting the kids in on estate planning

    A few weeks ago I blogged about having “The Chat” with your grown children–the chat being about where your assets are and how they can track them down when you’re no longer here to tell them. When my mother had The Chat with me, it always gave me the creeps. And now I  am my mother.

    Here’s an update on letting your adult children know about your estate planning, with advice from legal experts in this article. The key point: Regardless of the wealth of a family, “an annual family meeting can help you create a comfortable forum for discussing your values, priorities and goals related to managing money — and important details about your wishes for the disposition of your estate.
    Family meetings also enable parents to clarify their intentions related to any possible misunderstanding that might arise from disproportionate splits of an estate. This is especially important when re-marriages and second families are involved, or when parents want to name charities or unknown entities as beneficiaries.”

    A practical note: “Identify your executor and specify where you keep your will and other important documents and investment
    account statements. …At
    least one family member should be aware of the location of important records.”

    There now, that shouldn’t be too bad. If only we could divorce money from emotion.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesting: To have or have not a contract with your adult children

    Parents of 20-somethings–especially recent college graduates–are experiencing a steady march of children returning to the nest. It’s a hostile economy out there: difficult job market; horrendous credit crunch; rising prices for everything. And it’s not just the 20-somethings, as the reports noted in earlier blog entries make clear. But all that raises the question of what sort of rules should parents set when the kids come back to the nest.
    An interesting discussion of the issue is in a recent College Times story:

    Written contract or no?  “Experts say there is no right answer because the dynamics of each
    family are different.” That said, CT’s experts say, it’s important “to have a plan,
    preferably in writing, that spells out the new relationship. It
    can be as simple as a contribution toward household expenses, or it can
    be chapter and verse, but the reunited family needs rules.”
    One of the experts quoted is John  L. Graham, a business professor at University of California at Irvine
    who co-authored a book about the move-back phenomenon, “Together Again, A Creative Guide to Successful
    Multigenerational Living.” It’s not only about young adults returning to the nest but elderly parents moving in as well.