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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: When is it time for “the chat?”

    During the last few years of my mother’s life, a visit to her (she lived in another city, an airplane ride away) generally meant a peek at a little list she kept.  She wanted me to know what her assets were and where–a CD at this bank, a safe deposit key at another one.  I came to think of it as “The Chat.”
    It gave me the creeps.

    Yet, I’ve started wondering whether paterfamilias and I ought to be having “the chat” with our offspring. We’re believers in share-it-now, help-them-when-they-need-it. But we’re also husbanding what we’ll need for an independent and comfortable retirement.  We’re not [presumably] close to closing in on the end of our life lines, but you never know what’s coming down the pike.

    So we’re asking ourselves, when is the best time to give our grown children a rundown on the assets we’ll be leaving behind for them? It’s a touchy issue but we don’t want them to have to scramble around to assemble our assets. Maybe the sooner we do it–when we’re in the pink of health and robust in appetite for life–is the better time. Not so creepy. Just the facts.

    I’ve just developed a lot more empathy for my mother and The Chat.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    A Big Event: Who has the bragging rights?

    Our friends the Ds are having a baby. Let me rephrase that: Their daughter is having a baby. Her second. Their fifth. Their daughter’s husband called at midnight with the good news: healthy 8-lb boy. By 12:02, Mrs. D was at her computer sending out an email announcement to family and friends.So far, so good–except that her daughter hadn’t called her brother. It was late, the brother had three small children under five years of age and sleep is a precious commodity. The call could wait till morning. The sister-in-law, however, was up at 6, logged onto her computer and got the news by email from her mother.-in-law. Her nose was quite out of joint. She and her husband wanted the joy of the personal announcement from the daughter and brother-in-law. They  were quite resentful about the email.

    I think about that now because we are having a baby. That is, uber son  and his wife are having their third. She is almost a week late and we are in daily communication about when an inducement might take place. Soon, if that baby doesn’t make it’s way into the world by week’s end. So I bring up the question about who will tell uber-son’s sister. Does he mind if we do?
    He is dumbfounded by the question. "We’re a close family," he says. "Who cares who calls first?"

    Presumably, it’s the mass email that’s less than a charm. A call is still personal. Email’s OK for friends and far-flung family but not for the nuclear ties that bind. At least this is the note I’ve made to myself.

    (more…)

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: A reverse cash flow from the Kippers to the Saps

    And now for something competely different. While all the recent studies show how generous we aging Baby Boomers have been to our adult children, a study just out of Great Britain suggests our children have been equally as generous to us.

    The study found that one in 10 of our adult children have given us money, according to insurer
    Scottish Widows. Moreover, six out of 10 people who have given money
    to their parents said they had wanted to help them, 34% said
    their parents needed the money more than they did.

    The study, which refers to the phenomenon as "sap back," found that one reason parents
    were asking their adult children for cash was "likely to be
    because they had given them money in the past that had been earmarked
    for their retirement."

    Previous research by the group found that
    22% of parents had helped
    their children buy a house or repay debt.

    Anne
    Young, a savings expert at Scottish Widows, said in a follow-up newspaper article that "the glaring hole
    in parents’ finances will need to be replaced somehow, whether by
    sapping funds back from their children or by other means."

    The story also noted that "earlier
    this month, Prudential identified a growing trend for parents to go one
    step further by moving in with their children as a means of saving
    money."

    As they say in the texting world, OMG.
       

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Life Styles: The stats on kids living at home

    One of the big three ways in which parents help their adult children is by providing them with a roof over their  heads: the parent’s own roof. In the past 20 years in Canada, the percent of adult children (20 to 24 years old) living at home has gone from 41 percent to 57 percent.
    The same study that came up with those figures also found that 64 percent of parents who live with adult children report high satisfaction with life. Only 49 percent of parents who live with no adult child at home reported the same sense of satisfaction.
    Another point the study makes: Living with adult children means the continuation of conflicts over money, children, house chores and responsibilities–until the kids move out.
    But they do move out. Few parents reported living with children who are in their 30s. But that may change as the economy sinks.
    The reason parents are giving their young adult kids aid and comfort? "Today’s young adults are more likely to need their parent’s support for longer periods of time," the report said.
    You can read more about this here

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Living at Home: Does what happens in London, stay in London?

    Here’s an interesting tidbit from a British survey: The credit crunch now means we may never have an empty nest.
    A story that ran recently in a British newspaper reports that "67 per cent of all potential first time buyers are
    being forced out of the market due to tightening lending criteria and
    are having to arrange alternative living arrangements. The
    research from Abbey coincides with a recent study by Prudential which
    found that more than 80,000 UK households have three generations all
    living under the same roof. As the credit crisis takes hold, Prudential
    predicts that the number of families forced to live like this will grow."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Real Life: What to do when they lose their job

    Just when you’ve reached a point in your own career where you’re at peace–blind ambition turns into bound ambition–you’ve got your grown children’s careers to worry about. Are they advancing, are they thriving at their work? Hey, even more basic than that, are they working? My friend G’s son–he’s married and the father of twin toddlers–just got laid off from his job-, along with 75 other people in the company. How comfortable a place is that to be in the economy we’re living through now? It’s hard on the son and on my friend. Not only do we, as parents of grown children, worry about our children’s psyche in a loss like this but also about how they’re going to pay the rent. But we also know–or fear–in the deepest recesses of our hearts that when the unemployment checks run out and the 3-year-olds need new shoes, we’re going to tap the resources we have set aside for our retirement or fork over the cash we might otherwise put into that account. Or we’ll squeeze our needs to meet theirs.
    The question we face is this: Are we going to help them out, whether we can really afford it or not? And if we do, do we get to approve of the way they spend that money? From G’s point of view, her son "lives large." He’s got expensive tastes. If she has to help him out, does she put strings on the aide–or can she just quietly pay the rent and fill the fridge with basics. If she  sends a check, will she eat her heart out if her son uses it for a dinner out at an expensive restaurant?
    Or should she just say no to helping out? Could you?

    (more…)

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Tips on teaching financial independence

    Looking for some basic advice on weaning your grown kids from financial dependence on you? Two sources of friendly suggestions came across my screen recently. One is from Expert Business Source. The three main points:

    1. Learn to talk to you kids about money unemotionally.

    2. Create a schedule for them to become financially independent.

    3. Focus on now. Whatever’s gone on (or not gone on) in the past, teach them now that they are responsible for their financial lives and
    that you are there as backup, not as the everyday bank account.

    A more elaborate set of help points comes from the Financial Planning Association. You can get the full version Here. The highlights, some of which repeat what the other Experts have to say, are:

    Talk about your mistakes and your tough financial times, perhaps when
    you were starting out, just as they are, and had only entry-level jobs
    that barely covered rent and food, and couldn’t buy "luxuries" like a
    television or new clothes. Sure, they’ll roll their eyes, but they’re
    listening.

    Make a plan for weaning them off your support; tell them the plan; and stick to it.

    Bring in a professional advisor. Your child may be more open to listening to an outside professional than to you.

    Some families establish trusts for their children in part to teach them
    financial wisdom. For example, initially have the child meet
    periodically with the trustee (which may be you) and the trust’s
    advisor, if you have one, to learn how the trust is being managed and
    why certain assets are invested in specific ways. Because it is the
    child’s money that’s being managed, he or she should be more willing to
    listen.

    Some family trusts say a child can receive financial distributions only
    if he or she earns a certain amount of money on his or her own.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: In the U.K. they call them KIPPERS

    Parents in Great Britain face the same fiscal pressures as we do here–their grown children could use a bit of a financial boost. Here are two recent stories on the issue. This one looks at KIPPERS, Kids in Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings. It’s from an Irish newspaper and one point it makes is this:

    "There was a time when parents were distraught when their son or daughter left home at a young age to emigrate, but now they are upset that they cannot get young Sean or Sarah to leave the nest.

    Many adult children appreciate the home comforts and know that the ‘Bank of Mum and Dad’ will pick up the tab. Why wouldn’t they keep living at home well into their 30s when mother does their laundry and father pays for the food?"

    And this one is more about the stats. The survey found one interesting point I haven’t seen in other studies of parents helping kids with housing. Here it is:
    "Recent research from Abbey Mortgages also suggests that first-born
    children are more likely to receive financial help from their parents
    when purchasing their first home.

    A study by Abbey showed that 17% of first-borns received financial
    help when purchasing a home, while this figure fell to 12% for
    second-born children and 9% for third-born siblings."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Then and Now: The 30-year perspective

    We all know life has changed a lot since we were young adults. A recent Canadian news story puts some numbers on those changes. Here’s the contrast on 22-year-old Canadians: In 1971, 3/4 had left school; 1/2 had married; 1/4 had children. Fast forward 30 years: only 1/2 had left school; a mere 1/5 were either married or in a conjugal relationship; 1/11 had children.

    The generation gap is narrowing, the article points out. It’s not just economic factors but the "egalitarian relationships" parents have with their adult children. Makes them less in a rush to go anywhere.

    And that may not be a bad thing. Certainly, here in the U.S., young adults don’t seem to be in a hurry to marry. Among the more affluent, they do seem to be scurrying off to places far from home to experience life before they get serious jobs and choose partners for the long haul. That could even help them settle down in a better place in the long run.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: What the Brits are up to

    We are not alone. On the other side of "the pond," British parents of adult children are helping their kids out financially in roughly the same way we are and for similar reasons.
    The latest Scottish Widows savings and investment report tells us that 42 percent of adult children are using the
    parental largesse to pay off debt–only 22 percent did so last year; 29
    percent are using the money to buy property, and that’s down from 32 percent last year. You can read more about the Scottish Widows study here [http://uk.reuters.com/articlePrint?articleId=UKHIL75771320080227]

    Another British study on first time homebuyers indicates that one-in-16 of them have to take a loan from their parents to afford a property. More about that here [http://www.moneyhighstreet.com/news/18486938+Children+increasingly+need+financial+help+from+parents+to+get+mortgage/]