PenPenWrites

parenting blog, memoir notes, family punchlines & more

© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

     

    The latest term for it is Ethical Will. It means passing on to our grownchildren and their children our values and the wisdom we've garnered over the years–or just a sense of the life we've lived and the lessons we've learned. So helpful to have a term for one of the two main parts of leaving a legacy. One, of course, is leaving to future generations and other loved ones an orderly and fair division of our worldly goods; the other–and it's of equal importance–is sharing a sense of who we are, where we've been and what we value. 

    When it comes to the Ethical Will, some of us take a traditional route: we sit down and sketch out a memoir or make a list of points we want remembered. But there are lots of tech tools that can help us make it more engaging. One is to create a PowerPoint slide show full of family photos, favorite sayings–yours and your favorite Aunt's–books that have importance to you, poems that bear quoting, audio clips of favorite music, even video clips of TV characters who've said something worth remembering or so amusing it will remind everyone of your delightful persona.

    According to a New York Times story, the technical tools people are using to "to put a human touch on their legacies" include videos, DVDs, digital scrapbooks, iPhone apps (such as StoryCatcher) and  Facebook pages.
     
    The impact of the tech-enhanced Ethical Will that can be shared and seen by all your heirs has an additional bonus. Estate lawyers, the Times reports, are suggesting their clients use such tech-savvy Ethical WIlls as a means of delivering a strong personal message that can help avoid nasty family conflicts. As one lawyer noted, messages are best heard when conveyed through tone of voice or posture. “Being appropriately emotional in a video adds more dimensions than just words on paper.”
     
    That said, Barry Baines, author of “Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper,” adds these words of warning: don’t use your legacy link to blame or scold anyone by reaching out from the grave.“ It should be a love letter from the heart so people can share who they are.”

    There's personal enrichment in the process of putting your life on paper or video. As Baines put it, "Putting together an ethical will early on helps you live life with more intention.”

    Besides, who doesn't like to tell their story–and tell it without interruption.

    Related articles

    Use of Technology Creates New Ethical Will Trend
    Retiring: The Ethical Will, an Ancient Concept, Is Revamped for the Tech Age
  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Wednesday is link day.

    The post on Susan Adcox's grandparenting blog offers eight practical pointers on buying gifts–holiday, birthday or otherwise–for grandkids. That is, gifts that won't tick off their parents, aka our grown children, when we 're spreading the joy to their kids.

    As Susan notes, many of us simply ask the parents for a list of suggestions or buy a gift card to a favorite store, but for those of us who like to shop and to surprise, Susan has some worthwhile do's and don'ts.

    Her subtitle reads: "Keep Parents in Mind When Making Choices for Youngest Generation." That covers a lot of the territory. Her list of do's and don'ts gets into particulars. Here are two:

    DO check with the parents, especially before buying a "special" gift, such as a first bicycle or American Girl Doll. They may be planning to buy the gift themselves.

    DON'T give toys that require a lot of space or particular care. Large toys, for instance, aren't a good choice for families who live in small spaces; toys that require a lot of supervision, such as chemistry sets, aren't optimal for families with crowded schedules.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    When our kids were small and living under our roof, gift giving on birthdays or for holidays was relatively simple: If we could afford it, we gave them the toy or toys of their dreams. Once they enter the independence of adulthood, do we still go all out with our gift giving? And should we expect them to shower on us an upgrade on their previous sweet, sentimental gift-giving?

    That's a question that was posed to Carolyn Hax vis a vis Christmas gift-giving. A reader who had "always done it up for xmas, with nice gifts and some needed things, like underwear," wanted to know if it was time to stop since her 21-year-old daughter "does not put a lot of thought into gifts. My husband and I got a gift certificate to a hardware store last Christmas. That was it." The reader wonders how to balance the scales. "At some point should we give as we get?"

    What does Hax have to say? She doesn't have "any problem with the idea that kids stay kids vs. graduate to equals. It really depends on the individuals, the specific families and the needs or standing of each member."

    Personally, when kids are 20-somethings and struggling to find their footing in their careers and building lives that don't have their parents at the core, the last thing I would want them to do–especially if they are financially independent–is to spend their food money on store-bought gifts for their parents.

    There is another way, and Hax had a better idea. It had nothing to do with expecting our kids to buy us lavish gifts or for us to continue raining toys down on them: "A parent with some savings can give out Christmas checks to grown children without infantilizing them." (I second the motion: cash is the gift that always fits, is never the wrong color and is always useful.] "At the same time," Hax points out, "children can give back to their parents the kinds of things that younger people tend to have in abundance, like energy and, literally, heavy lifting. As long as you all look out for each other, how you work out the details is up to you."

    That's a balance to hold in mind as the holiday season gins up its gift-giving momentum ever earlier. (For more on the annoyance of that, check our Nancy Wolf's blog post on Witty Worried and Wolf.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Child rearing's goal is simple: Our once-dependent infants are weaned and otherwise taught to stand on their own feet. We can pat ourselves on the back if our kids are launched into the world as independent adults. Oh they can still call home to whine if things aren't going well. Parents are a safe place and wise head. So long as they don't look to us to take over and solve their problems, they're independent. Congratulations.

    But it's not easy to feel good about it. At least not at first. In his web page on adolescence, psychologist Carl Pickhardt addresses some of the emotional trials parents face as their adolescent kids move into and through what he calls "trailing independence"–an age range he pegs at 18 to 23. Specifically he writes about why we feel sadness when the kids move out and on and operate independently of parents, family, and home. "This is the last letting go in the process of Detachment Parenting of adolescents," he writes, "and it can feel very hard to do – forsaking the old management role, the sense of purpose, the accustomed authority, and the daily association."

    He writes that "the last battle between holding on and letting go is not just between parent and adolescent, but agonizingly unfolds within the parents themselves. For a while the empty nest can result in the empty parent."

    Pickhardt points to three D's of pain — why we feel a loss rather than joy when our kids successfully launch.

    –First, we're Dethroned. We've lost ruling influence over decisions our kids make.

    –Second, we are at more of a Distance. Socially and geographically our kids are moving away as they focus –appropriately– on building a new life.

    –Third, we are Demoted. Our kids are creating a new system of relationships that they give a higher immediate priority than attending to us.

    Here's Pickhardt's killer app–as in adaptation–to the three Ds:

    "What is extremely important for parents to understand about the dethronement, distance, and demotion …is that this change does NOT mean they are less loved; they are only less necessary."

    "To a degree," he continues, "the return for their self-sacrificial investment in parenting an adolescent to independence is this sweet sadness of success, just as once upon a long time ago the little girl or boy’s entry into adolescence caused parents to give up the precious childhood time together they would never have again. The great hardship of Detachment Parenting is enduring loss from letting go."

    Or as my friend Dick put it: "My kids are independent. Damn it."

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    A few years ago–before my Grands had the opportunity to travel or live abroad–I would spend half an hour at the end of a travel-abroad day tapping out an email to them. I wrote about what Paterfamilias and I saw or did in the far-away country–Argentina, Vietnam–we were visiting. The email went to our grown children's accounts but they dutifully read the reports aloud to the kids. It felt good to play a small part in opening up the world to them and for us to think about what we saw and did that would amuse or interest a child. We were pretty pleased with ourselves.

    A friend's new book, Dear Class: Traveling Around the World with Mrs. J, has taken sharing to a whole 'nother level.

    The book, by Jane Stein, is about the around-the-world trip Jane's mother took in 1963 when she was a recently divorced teacher with a newly empty nest. She made  stops in Burma (when it was called that), Turkey, Taiwan, and Japan among other countries. Jane used her mother's travel diaries to craft the material into letters, used side-bars to update the information (China was closed to Jane's mother and all U.S. citizens at the time Mrs. J traveled) and added child-friendly information to create her book. There are tidbits on foods to cook, art projects to make (such as a Rangoli, the colorful geometric designs painted in front of houses in India as a sign of welcome) and details about snake charmers (India) and evil eye beads (Turkey), so called because they looked like eyeballs.

    Dear Class is an adventure story (I'm reader-testing it on my Grands), and I wondered what it was like for Jane to pass her mother's travel legacy on to her grown children. Here's what she said in answer to that question:

    After my mother died–at 90–I found the travel diaries in a box in her closet. At first I thought I would save the box for my grandchildren and let them deal with it–even though I didn't have grandchildren at the time. But when I started to read them, I could hear her speaking. I decided to re-craft the logs into letters that captured her voice. Working on it re-acquainted me with her in a funny way. How adventurous she was. In Turkey she stepped into what she thought was a shared taxi only to find it was a car filled with soccer players heading home from a practice; they cheerfully dropped her off at her hotel. In Taiwan she walked around the streets of Tapei at night. The streets were so gaily lit and crowded that she said she felt like she was at a giant party.

    My children were out of college and married when my mother died, so they remember her well. They loved the letters. When I told them that a book agent had suggested I re-set the story in the present time, not in the 1960s when my mother went around the world on her own, they wanted to keep it set in the original time just as I did. They felt a certain proprietariness. The book became a special bond between us.

    I would love to have had my mother see the book. I can hear her say, "You're writing a book about me?" It was a lot of fun to reconnect with her and go on this adventure with her.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

     

    Years ago, when one of my children got engaged, the phone rang the next morning. "Am I calling too early?" It was my child's future mother-in-law–a woman I didn't know who lived in a city far from ours. She was full of excitement about the happiness she foresaw for her child and mine. She wasn't quite right (that marriage didn't work out) but I still remember how wondrous her enthusiasm was and how happy it made me feel that she was so thrilled to have my child become part of her family.

    I thought of that moment when a friend told me her story. When her 20-something son, who lives in the Midwest, got engaged, she and her husband found out just minutes before their son's boyhood friends did. Within an hour, those friends "showed up at our doorstep with champagne for us," my friend Betsy says. And a suggestion. They wanted to have a party for the "old gang" and the parents of that gang–to celebrate the engagement and the inter-family friendships that had lasted for all those growing-up years. Betsy agreed. The party would be at her house but it would be casual and 'the boys" would take charge of emailing invitations.

    The engagement glow had barely worn off when Betsy got hit with this question: What about inviting the bride-to-be's parents? Betsy didn't know them, and they lived in another city hundreds of miles away. "It was hard for me to get my head around this," Betsy says. "Can't I have an informal party in my own house with my old friends?"

    Evidently not. "I got off on the wrong foot with her parents," Betsy says. Since then, Betsy has immersed herself in the reading of many books about parental etiquette for weddings and engagements. What she learned from "the books" was that "I should have reached out to them. I should have sent her parents flowers."

    As to the wedding itself, her parents are doing a lot of the planning but they have not asked Betsy for advice. "I call and check in about the color of dress to wear, that kind of stuff. It' tricky when dealing with your son's in-laws-to-be. You don't want to compete with them. You don't want to do the wrong thing." But it's so easy to, well, stick your foot in the wedding cake.

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    2005 US cent, obverse side]                                                    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    They worry about their financial future. Their average age is 30, but saving for retirement also looms large among their fiscal worries. And who do our Millennial-aged grown children trust to provide them with information about these financial issues? Us. Thus spake a recent Fidelity Investments’ Millennial Money Study.

    While they say–72% of them anyway–that they have no problem broaching financial issues with us, most of them –67%–have not had detailed conversations with us about such important issues as estate planning, health and eldercare, and covering living expenses in retirement. As to what we might be leaving them when we pass on, 41% say they have not had any conversations at all with us about our will and estate planning.

    The survey is a follow-up to Fidelity's 2014 Intra-Family Generational Finance study, which was an online poll of U.S. parents and their adult children that looked at the levels of agreement between families on key financial topics. To be part of the survey, parents had to be at least 55 years of age, have an adult child older than 30 and have investable assets of at least $100,000. Children qualified if they were at least 30 years of age, had at least $10,000 in savings. The newer survey asks many of the same financial questions to and about Millennials. The Millennials in this study average 30 years of age. Just under half of them are married, have children as well as a 401 (k) style savings plan. As to their parents, one-third of us are retired.

    Some of the financial findings from the survey:

    They may trust us but 27% tell us nothing when it comes to money.

    The top three financial issues Millennials say they are tryingn to deal with include: accumulate more savings for retirement (52%), pay off credit card debt (41%), and pay off student loans (28%).

    Two-thirds think it is more acceptable now for children to move back home after college, and 32% say they are more financially dependent on their parents than their parents were at the same age.

    Nearly one-half of Millennials have received some kind of financial assistance from their parents at some point since leaving home. Topping the assistance list are cell phone bills, car insurance and groceries.

    You can see the survey in all its detail here: The Fidelity Investments Millennial Money Study: Facts

    Related articles

    Millennials Are Smarter About Money Than You Think
    Here's What Millennial Savers Still Haven't Figured Out
    1 in 4 millennials trust 'no one' with their money, Fidelity survey finds
    The Millennials: A Generation Of Savers?
  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (Philippine gam... (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

     

     

    Try giving your post-grad daughter or your 15-year-old grandson a Roth IRA for their birthday, and you may find the 'thank you's' perfunctory at best. But a starter retirement plan like a Roth IRA–you open it for them and give it a funding boost–is a gift that keeps giving. If they follow through on it, it could be the road to making them a millionaire.

    At least that's what the projections are from the likes of Vanguard, the investment company, if they keep up the contributions. Vanguard sees the Roth IRA as the road to riches, millionaire style, if the plan is started early. Vanguard projections estimate that a 20-year-old investor who begins saving $200 per month in a Roth IRA, invested in a portfolio of 80% stocks and 20% bonds, would have about a 55% chance to accumulate over $1 million by age 65. On the other hand, if a 30-year-old investor follows the same program, the likelihood of being a millionaire drops to 14%. Why this works is the miracle of compounding–the process where investments make returns, and those returns make returns. The rule of 72 clicks in–that's where you take the rate of return you're making (such as an interest rate) and divide it into 72; that tells you how many years it will take for your money to double.

    The nifty thing about Roth IRA is that, should there be a financial emergency, the contributions to it (but not the earnings) can be withdrawn for any reason. (That would, of course, impact the millionaire scenario.)In the meantime, the account is generating earnings that can continue to compound.

    The Vanguard graph below shows how the wealth curve bends upward as time goes on (using the $200 a month from age 20 as an example) —especially as you get to 40 years and beyond. In this example, it takes 35 years for the median investor to get to half a million dollars. Then just 10 years for the next half-million. Then just 8 years to tack on another million.

    Median projected value for an IRA with a $200 monthly contribution*

    Median projected value for an IRA with a $200 monthly contribution

     

     

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    Getting Around Income Limits for a Roth IRA
    Modest 401(k) and IRA Changes Coming in 2014
    Financial Literacy – What is an IRA? Why You Might Want One
  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

     

    "I'm an adorer." This is my daughter's college roommate speaking–several years removed from her college days. We are having coffee together–she has come east for a conference and had some spare time. After running down the ages and genders of her three children, Paterfamilias asks her what kind of parent she is. With a half-guilty, semi-embarrassed smile, she gives the "adorer" answer.

    I know exactly what she's saying. I was too, I tell her. I thought my daughter [her roommate] was the jewel in the family crown and that our son was the most amusing person to ever walk, well, if not the earth, at least our small part of it. A friend–and I use that word advisedly–once told me that she and her family used to laugh (and not in a good way) about how I would gaze at my son when he talked and laugh so over-enthusiastically (in her opinion) at all his jokes.  Oh well. maybe she didn't find her kids as delightful as I found mine. Clearly, she wasn't an adorer.

    My point is that even if my delight in my children went overboard, it didn't hurt them then –and it doesn't hurt them now. I am still an adorer–of them and now of my grandchildren as well. (To my credit, if I am over the top on this, let the record show that I don't force tales of adorableness on friends.) Not that I don't have reality-check moments about my children, but I like to think that a parent who thinks her kids are the greatest may be blind but is also offering her kids a solid base to grow on. They can graduate from my home to a life lived independent of me and know that someone out there–someone who knows their messy habits and teeny tiny temper tantrums–thinks they are wonderful.

    So adore on, I tell my daughter's roommate. There's nothing to feel embarrassed about.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Gorgon Head Roman Baths, BathGorgon Head Roman Baths, Bath (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Our son has packed up his family of five and moved them to London for three months. They are living in a sweet little house in a leafy neighborhood. They can walk to several parks. They've played Scrabble at a nearby pub, climbed Primose Hill and visited Bath–spending some time at Farleigh Hungerford Castle. The two eldest kids have kicked the soccer ball in North London near Wembly and are trying out for youth football teams there.

    We don't know this because our son,  daughter-in-law or any of the kids have emailed, texted, Skyped or cell-phoned to tell us so. In fact, there's been very little personal interchange. We know what we know from the Facebook posts, photos and lengthy caption descriptions–down to their visit to Bath and their delight in a tour of the 4th century Roman baths –that are on our son's Facebook page and on a Shutterfly account he set up.

    Even though it's informative, the means of communication feels impersonal . We don't know what the 6-year-old thought about the walking tour of Medieval London or how the 11- and 13-year-olds assess the football/soccer played by Londoners their age. Or how the home-schooling is going. We know what they're doing, and we can see by the sweaters they're wearing that it's a lot chillier in London than it is here, but that's it.

    It isn't the same as keeping in touch by Skype or Google Chat–something we did regularly with our daughter and her family when they lived in Berlin for a year. Clearly, three months is not a year, so there isn't the same need. Still, we wouldn't mind the chance to sit in their kitchen–virtually, as we did in our daughter's Berlin apartment–and chat about this and that.

    We shouldn't complain. We're part of a general (albeit select) audience. This is how information is shared in the digital age.

    We're not alone in our social media half-life. In answer to reader-parents who wanted to know what to do about the online means their son uses to inform them (and everyone else) about his activities, Philip Galanes, the New York Time's Social Qs columnist, suggested this: "Find a way to stop feeling slighted by your son's use of social media. It is not about you….Think of your son as a newfangled memorist. That's what his blog and social media posts are aiming for. And read them. What better way to show him that you're interested in his life."

    We're heeding that advice and staying au courant. We're also solving our personal communication issue the old-fashioned way. We're cashing in our frequent flyer miles for a week-long visit across the pond. Nothing social media about that.

     

     

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