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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Emerging Adults: The impolite way they treat us is not necessarily the way–or who–they are

    We are waiting for our Southwest Airlines flight to be called, B boarding passes in hand. As the flight manager calls for passengers with A passes, a family kerfuffle is unfolding in front of us. A mom and dad stand up to take their place in the A line but the son–an early 20-something–is immersed in his smart phone. The mom tries to prod him along. "Don't you want a window seat?" she asks. "It's time to get on line so you can get one." There is no move to stand up and join his parents. Eyes are on his device, thumbs are flying. The exasperated Mom harrumphs off with a parting shot: "Well, you're old enough to take care of yourself."

    I lose track of the little drama. Paterfamilias and I are too immersed in managing our own travel–the roll aboard bags, the extra parcel of gifts for grandchildren, the sack with lunch sandwiches to eat on board. When the B's are called, we board and struggle down the airplane's narrow aisle with all our encumbrances. Spotting two seats together–a middle and an aisle–we pile luggage and winter coats into the overhead and I plop down in the middle seat. There at the window sits the 20-something from the pre-board family kerfuffle. He has managed on his own! And yes, he is still immersed in his device. I sneak a peak–is that Candy Crush on his screen? As I settle my belongings, I accidentally knock my elbow into his arm and apologize. He is impeccably courteous. No problem, he assures me. We have a mini-chat: I ask if he is flying home and he says no, on vacation, and returns the question. I get no surly lip; no leave-me-alone glare.

    Oh it is so nice not to be the parents and live through this post-adolescent phase of growing pains:The pushing us away; the preference for the company of anyone or anything but us; the seeming sureness that they know more than we do. 

    I have this instinct (fortunately repressed) to locate his parents and assure them that when he's on his own, he can not only manage to get a seat he prefers, he can also be polite and pleasant–everything they undoubtedly hope he'll be but fear he's not. Having been there, lived through that, I want to tell them: this too will pass. But not quite yet.

    With that, I rely on words often attributed to Mark Twain:

    "When I was seventeen, I could scarcely endure my father, the old gentleman was so ignorant; at  twenty-five I was astonished at the improvement he had made in the last eight years."

    Related articles

    Literary Insights: Alice McDermott on empty nests and backing off the control button
    Leaving a legacy: A mantra for cleaning, clearing out the closets. Basements, too

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Leaving a legacy: A mantra for cleaning, clearing out the closets. Basements, too

     

    In her blog After the Kids Leave, Karen Irving writes about downsizing in preparation to a move to smaller quarters. Clearing stuff up, cleaning it out: This is something about which many of us have thought, fantasized, made decisions or delayed decisions. In previous posts on Leaving a Legacy, I've written that cleaned and cleared closets (whether or not we're moving) are part of the legacy we leave our grown children and grandchildren–the gift is that it's something they won't have to do for us.

    In her post on tips for downsizing, Karen takes note of a guiding principle, thanks to William Morris, propounder of the English Arts and Crafts school of decoration. His words–her mantra and now mine as well: “Keep nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”

    As I tackle the mess of stuff in my basement and try to de-clutter my living spaces, I am tacking on an additional point to the Morris dictum: Check first with your grown children before tossing anything out–photographs, letters, figurines, decorative boxes or century-old baby shoes. There might be items they treasure for sentimental or other reasons. It's okay to store if for them; just be sure they will be willing to haul those treasures away when the final cleaning and clearing takes place.

     

     

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    Holiday Gifts: What about giving our kids some of the treasures our parents left us?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Social Media R Us: Staying in touch with our kids, Part 2

     

    Following up on yesterday's post on opening many lines of communication to stay in touch with our grown kids, there's this new Pew report

    Pew's research suggests we–parents of grown children–are keeping up with the times and opening lots of avenues of communication with our iEverything (All-Thumbs) children.

    Here's one excerpt from the report:

    Facebook continues to be the most popular social media site, but its membership saw little change from 2013. The one notable exception is older adults: For the first time in Pew Research findings, more than half (56%) of internet users ages 65 and older use Facebook. Overall, 71% of internet users are on Facebook, a proportion that represents no change from August 2013.

    Every other social media platform measured saw significant growth between 2013 and 2014. Instagram not only increased its overall user figure by nine percentage points, but also saw significant growth in almost every demographic group. LinkedIn continued to grow among groups with which it was already popular, such as professionals and college graduates, while Twitter and Pinterest saw increases in usership across a variety of demographic groups.

    And some other data of note:

    Fully 52% of internet users are on two or more social media sites. There’s wide overlap between users of different platforms.

    Onward and upward with ways to stay in touch.

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    Social Media Etiquette: The many ways to stay in touch with the grown kids
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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Social Media Etiquette: The many ways to stay in touch with the grown kids

     

    Uber son was looking for advice about where to stay/what to do on a family trip to Williamsbrg, a place we used to visit with him and his sister when they were little kids. Did he call to ask me or his dad? No he did not. He posted the request on his Facebook page. We could add our advice if we had any.

    Wondering what costumes the toddler-sized Grands wore on Halloween? No need to ask the parents: Check their Instagram account.

    We may complain that social media communication distances us from our grown kids–they seem so much less personal than a phone call–but we might be wrong. 

    We could improve our relationships with our grown children–the young adults–if we communicate with them through a variety of channels, according to a recent study. Research from the University of Kansas tells us that the relationship satisfaction our emerging-adult kids have with us, their parents, is modestly influenced by the number of communication tools we use to communicate with them. Think: cell phones, email, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting. 

    Here's how the study worked:Jennifer Schon, a doctoral student at UK, had 367 adults between the ages of 18 and 29 fill out a survey on what methods of communications they used to connect with their parents, how often they used the technology and how satisfied they were in their relationship with mom and dad. In most relationships, adding an additional channel of communication had a modest increase in relationship quality and satisfaction. On average, participants reported using about three channels to communicate with .

    While a parent's basic communication competency–the ability to get a message across effectively and appropriately–is the best indicator for how happy the child is in the relationship (according to the research), that doesn't mean adding a new tool is necessary. Parents who are already strong communicators won't see much of a difference by adding another way to communicate, but parents who aren't might.

    In particular, Schon's research points to fathers who tend to use fewer channels of communication and communicate less frequently and for shorter amounts of time. This should come as no surprise when you read the first part of the title of her research report:  "Dad Doesn't Text: Examining How Parents' Use of Information Communication Technologies Influences Satisfaction Among Emerging Adult Children."

    Schon's findings are all well and good. Who doesn't want to improve the communication with their offspring–especially when those emerging adults are so busy, busy, busy pushing their parents away. But never forget the other rule of social media: Don't overdo it. No young adult wants mom or dad lurking on their Facebook page or sending them daily barrages of tweets. Moderation in all things all-thumbs.

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Literary Insights: Alice McDermott on empty nests and backing off the control button

       In her National Book Award winning novel, Charming Billy, Alice McDermott tells a poignant tale of an Irish family and how a well-intentioned lie goes awry–a lie told to Charming Billy by his best friend. The book has nothing to do with the role of parents and their grown children, but that doesn't mean McDermott doesn't have insights on that relationship.

    In this scene, the young married daughter, who has flown from the west coast to New York for Charming Billy's funeral, is staying with her dad, Billy's best friend, in the family home. It is early morning on an early spring day–the day after the funeral–and they are heading outdoors to sit on chairs on the front lawn and have a morning cup of tea together:

    "She sipped from the cup. The breeze that had woken him had grown weaker in the sun, but something of the cold dawn still lingered. One did not dare say to a grown daughter, a married woman with children of her own, Are you warm enough? Do you need a sweater? Wouldn't you rather wear shoes?

    He said, "You'll have to give the in-laws a call while you're here."

    A kernal of self-control wisdom from Alice.

    Later in the novel, Billy's sister rants about the life and role of women in a big and loving–but tradition-bound–Irish family. Addressing Billy's best friend's daughter–the one who has flown in from the west coast to spend time with her dad and the family–the older woman adds this:

    "I'm sure [your dad is] glad you came in. And tomorrow you'll go out to the Island with him? Good. Your husband will manage fine, don't  worry about that. All young mothers think their kids can't survive without them, don't they? Didn't you? Soon enough you'll see. Next thing you know, they're all grown up and gone from home–isn't it the truth. Next thing you know, your house is empty again. Look at us…[names her four siblings] how many kids altogether? Fifteen, good Lord, sixteen, sixteen kids altogether and not one of them left at home, right? Thank God for that, but see what I'm saying, see how fast it goes?"

     It didn't seem to go fast when our children were young and we were in the parenting maelstrom. But looking back from the now-empty nest, how fugit the tempus.

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    Why Didn't Alice McDermott's 'Someone' Win the Pulitzer? (Review)

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Is it ever way-too-soon to set up a 529 for Grandkids?

     

    Some of us are early birds: We set up college savings accounts the minute a Grand is born. It's a gift of hope and trust in the future.

    Then there are those who are really early risers: We start paying into a 529 college-saving plan as soon as we hear a baby is on the way. It's a gift to celebrate the coming event and a bridge to the future.

    That's not all. There's an even more premature 529: the pre-grandparent account.  A recent story in the Wall Street Journal took a look at starting a college-savings plan before the grandbaby has been conceived and conceivably before the recently wed couple are sure they want to have children. "If that seems like rushing" writes the WSJ, "think again."

    Here are the numbers behind the idea: The cost of the average four-year college is nearing $165,000 and rising 3.7% a year. A 529 plan started with the maximum $14,000 initial gift, five years before a child is born, funded with $500 every month and earning interest at 3% compounded monthly, would yield $226,784 by the child’s 18th birthday. The same plan started at birth would yield $167,336.

    When an infant arrives and receives his or her own Social Security number, the parents—or the grandparents who still own the account—can designate the newborn as the beneficiary. Ownership of the plan can be transferred to the grown children–the putative parents of the college student–should that be desirable or necessary. Or, if a future grandparent thinks he or she may not live to see a grandchild’s birth, a will can provide for an executor or trustee to carry out 529 plans using assets in a revocable trust.

    And if there is no Grand baby? That's part of the chance you take.

    This post linked to the GRAND Social

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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Holiday Gifts: What about giving our kids some of the treasures our parents left us?

    I am not a creative gift-giver. I like to think I'm generous but when it comes to great ideas–I know I don't do so well. So on my Friday morning walk with friends, I asked what they were giving their grown kids and grandkids. Not being nosy–just desperate for something that might work for my giftees.

    Here's the point one friend made. There isn't much her grandkids need. They have all the clothes, books and electronics they can use–or their parents approve of. So this year, she decided to give her 14-year-old granddaughter one of the pieces of jewelry she inherited from her mother–her granddaughter's great grandmother. She chose a bangle style bracelet she thought a teenager would find wearable. For her 15 year old grandson (his name is Nick), she chose a pair of her father's cuff links (his name was Nathan) that are engraved with the initial N.

    There's something so meaningful in passing on a treasure from one generation to another. Whether the teenagers in question will like their gifts is unclear–and maybe even beside the point. The answer may be, perhaps not right now but eventually. 

    I'm now pawing through boxes of stuff in my basement that we harvested from my parents and paterfamilias' parents' homes.  My grandkids may be too young for anything that's in there now, but the grownkids might like some of the delicate and tiny serving bowls.

     

               

    Not sure anyone wants the porcelain statuettes of shepherdesses or their shepherd admirers that adorned by mother-in-law's bookcase for years or the one that sat on my mother's coffee table. Some things are of their time.

                                                           

    Eventually, though, our grandkids' kids might find them fashionable again. If so, we've got half a dozen hand-painted tea cups and saucers–collected by each set of our parents–to pass on to them. Here's to their holiday chai.

     

     

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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Giving a grown kid a helping hand without making it a handout.

     

    When our kids are 20-somethings, they may need a little financial assist. A good job may not materialize right after graduation; school loans may be a drag on an entry level salary; we might prefer to pony up for part of their rent than have them live in an unsafe, low-rent neighborhood.

    But when they get to their 30s or 40s, the calculus changes. They ought to be on their feet and independent. And yet, parents of 30, 40 and even 50-year-olds still feel the pull: We want to help out. A need is a need: Who's to judge? A 40-year-old child may have lost a job, be going through a divorce or have extraordinary education costs for the kids–your Grands.

    The problem for those of us who are retired–and if our kids are in their 40s, we may well be–is that we're no longer bringing in the big bucks. Pensions and social security aside, the earnings from savings are a big chunk of our income. What if we live to be 100? If we give too much away, we could be without adequate means.

    That said, if we can afford to help out, why shouldn't we? Here's one reason: Fairness to the other kids. Whatever savings we don't use up in this lifetime are part of the corpus we leave our children–all of them and presumably equally. And that's the hitch. We're giving more to the child in need by giving money up front–at the expense of the other children, all of whom split what's left.

    There is a way around this, according to B. Kelly Graves, a financial adviser. Writing in the Wall Street Journal, Graves suggests making the financial assistance to the child in need a loan that's due in, say, 30 years, or when the second parent dies. "Even though it’s a loan," Graves writes, "the chances are the client [that's you or your spouse] is never going to see that money again." But now the financial aid is, in effect, an advance on the child’s inheritance and the loan is repaid to the parents’ estate from the child’s inheritance. So the assistance is not a handout, the estate is made whole [at least on paper] and the split becomes equal among the heirs.

    Now all that's left is too have the conversation with everyone that explains the strategy. Good luck with that.

     

     

     

     

     

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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Empty Nesting: When our kids move back home, joy is not necessarily universal.

    The New York Times book review section on Russian lit leads off with a book called–are you ready for this empty nesters?–There once lived a mother who loved her children, until they moved back in.

     

    Need I say more. Of course, things are a little different for the Russian moms in the three novellas ((by Ludmilla Petrushev­skaya) that make up the book. They live in close quarters–kommunalkas (small apartments that house multiple and not necessarily related families). So there are privacy issues that pale in comparison to ours.

    Just saying: there's a universality of issues out there.

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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Helicopter Parenting: There comes a time for our grown kids to keep us at a distance.

    "What a b—- he turned out to be." The b—- my friend Cate is talking about is her first-born, 25-year-old son. He got his MBA last June and finally landed a career job this fall. But when Cate and the proud papa emailed him with a request to stop by to see him at his office–they would be in the neighborhood–he sent this email: "I appreciate the gesture, but i think it's time for you to stop visiting me at my workplace."

    A few months ago, when he had been a summer intern at a high profile government agency, she had asked to stop by–she wanted to see what the department looked like inside. "All I got to see was the lobby and the cafeteria, where I bought him lunch." Now she was feeling put out about not being welcome in his latest workplace–or this latest phase of his life.

    "It's part of growing up," I tell her, "He's setting adult boundaries."

    "He's pushing us away," she says.

    Comes to the same thing, no? Helicopter parenting has a sell-by date. Our kids are no longer singing in the chorus of the school play or playing for the local soccer team. When it comes to their career, there's no seat in the cheerleading section for us.

    Not that I don't sympathize with Cate. It's hard to let go of that desire to experience up close and personally the bits and pieces of our grown kids' lives–the way we did when they were little kids and living under our roof. Our very own Uber son dis-invited us to his adult soccer league games. There were some hurt feelings on the parental side, but the only ones watching the game are a handful of girlfriends and wives. Having mummy or daddy there would probably make him feel, well, like a little boy. An office workplace has even higher stakes.

    No one said letting go was easy. It's hard sometimes for us to believe there are boundaries between us and our children. But there are and should be. At least Cate's son was polite about laying down his mark. 

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