PenPenWrites

Too fat? Too thin? Some of us are unhappy with the state of our adult child’s body. We remember when they were oh-so-fit soccer players, runners and dancers. But now, are they eating too much? Overindulging in junk food? Are they sitting around playing video games instead of jogging. It’s so tempting to remind them that they could diet or exercise their way back to fitness. We may work ourselves into a state of anxiety over what their body weight means for their health and/or their romantic happiness–and what we want to share with them in terms of ways to correct the imbalance in their body size. .

Readers, Don’t go there. To that end, I offer observations on the subject from three advice columnists. First up: Philip Galanes from Social Q. He is answering a reader who complains that people often comment on her and her family’s height (they are all tall) and her middle school-age child finds it upsetting, but his observations apply to weight and other comments about physical appearance. , Galanes writes

• For 17 years, I have advised readers that unbidden comments about others’ appearances are unwise. We never know what people are going through or how our observations will affect them. Even purported compliments — “What long legs you have!” — can trigger insecurities and private pain, even though that’s not what the speakers intend…..
• Yet, for 17 years, I have met with steady resistance. Many readers believe that they are entitled to give compliments and to be curious (“Just how tall are you?”). Some even assert that they are making the world a friendlier place by butting in.

Next up: The always reliable Carolyn Hax. A young woman wrote Hax to complain that her parents have been harping about her body size ever since she was a child and now have added the suggestion of taking GLP-1 drugs, such as Wegovy, Ozempic or Mounjaro. Hax is not buying it:

• Parents have no business discussing adults’ weight unless invited, much less harping on it.
• Should the reader try a GLP-1? Her doctor’s is the only outside opinion that counts.

Third expert: the NYT’s Ethicist ,Kwame Appiah. His reader writes that he longs for the day when his daughter was a lithe and graceful ballerina. As an adult, she’s overweight and his concern is for her health: There is a family history of diabetes on both sides. Appiah sees a little wiggle room for weight discussions given the bona fide health concern. His suggestion:

• Speak to her as an adult, with respect and candor, rather than as a child whose body you wish were different. That means keeping the focus on health and family history. Make sure she knows the concern comes from love, not disappointment — that your concern is for her well-being, not her waistline.

photo: Maia Lemov