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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Are you squandering their inheritance?

    So you took that lavish vacation–around the world in 90 days. Or you've remarried and are indulging your new spouse with a luxury condo or cash or other valuables. A recent piece in Money magazine looked at the issue from the grown child's point of view: What to do if your elderly dad showers a new girlfriend with diamonds or good-old mom maintains an expensive membership to a country club she can't afford and never goes to. Last fall I blogged about a divorced friend whose children wanted her to save some money for them because their father, recently remarried and a man of some wealth, was "spending it all" on the new wife.

    We can be a source of aggravation, especially to the grown child who's worried about buying his first home or paying his college debts. He may be wondering whether he can count on a legacy from us. She may even think she can stop our free-spending ways by asking us to "grow up."

    What Tyler Cowen, a professor economics at George Mason University and the author of the Money article, suggests is that these grown children take note of a classic paper called "The Strategic Bequest Motive." What they'll learn there: Time is money. That is, we parents of adult children want something in return for a bequest. Specifically, Cowen writes, "studies show that children who frequently call and visit their elderly parents tend to inherit larger amounts than those who don't." Taking that a step further, Cowen recommends that the best way to stop us from frittering away their legacy is for them to shower us with love and attention. "Whether consciously or not, they [Reader: That's us.] will treat their money more carefully because they'll want to leave it to you."

    I have a different take on the bequest outcome. Perhaps the care and attention translates into a larger legacy because the love and affection already infuses the relationship–even if the patriarch or matriarch is enjoying a childish spending spree.

    The authors of the original paper must have had their misgivings about false pledges of love and devotion. A quick check with the paper shows the authors give space up front and on the first page to a quote from King Lear:

    Tell me, my daughter

    (since now we will divest us both of rule,

    Interest of territory, cares of state),

    Which of you shall we say doth love us most,

    That we our largest bounty may extend

    Where nature doth with merit challenge.

    Frankly, we should all have a conversation with our grown children
    about legacies–what they can and cannot or should not expect. We can only hope the strategic bequest–or the need for it–never comes up. RIP King Lear–and Will Shakespeare as well. 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Your Child’s Ex: Don’t get too attached

    Lesson learned the hard way: Get attached to your child's boyfriend or girlfriend at your peril. They break up and you're left feeling the loss. Until they are an official part of the family, keep your emotional distance.

    Many of us have been through it. A recent Carolyn Hax column was from a woman who not only grieved for the loss of the daughter's boyfriend, but for his dog as well. "My whole family welcomed him as one of our own," she writes. Then the daughter broke up the romance. Now, the writer says, "I have lost a big chunk of my heart. I was very close to the dog; he spent weekends with me when my daughter and her boyfriend did things together." She is disappointed in her daughter's decision–the couple seemed so right for each other–and she would like to see the dog, and the boyfriend as well.

    Life is full of disappointments, and it hurts to get caught up in the grief of a breakup. It's so easy to say, keep your distance but what to do when the young couple spend time with you, move in together and make you part of their lives–then their relationship implodes. You're supposedly "safe" if  you get attached to a son- or daughter-in-law, but marriages implode as well. And if a couple lives together, how different is that from a marriage, in terms of the bonds you may form?

    Well, sad as it is and good advice that the warnings are, the important lesson many of us have learned is to keep the sadness to ourselves and not do anything–like visit the dog or the boyfriend–that would alienate your child. Grown children do not take kindly to a parent undermining a big and very personal decision. Even an innocent remark in passing–"Johnny was such a nice guy" "Cindy was such a good cook" "Tiger was the sweetest cat"–can be construed as a critique of their judgment. Even a year or two later. 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Helping the kid buy a car

    When Bud's stepson wanted to buy a car, Bud thought back to his own youth–a time when he was irresponsible and somewhat reckless. The son, in his 20s, needed a car to commute to a job. But he had no credit rating and couldn't get a car loan on his own.

    Bud was willing to help–even though he saw a few signs of the irresponsible and reckless in the young man. So here's the deal he and the young man's mom came up with: They would help him–but not by co-signing a loan. They feared that if the son missed a payment it would reflect poorly on their credit record. Instead, they would take out a loan for the car in their own name and the son would make monthly payments directly to them–but with this string attached: If a payment was missed, the parents [owners of the car] would put it up for sale. "I wanted to make sure he shapes up," says Bud. "I don't want him squandering his money on beer and other things. I want to make sure he takes responsibility for the car."

    How did it work out? Stay tuned. They just bought the car.

    For more information on the perils and pitfalls of co-signing for a a car loan, here's an article on teaching adult children financial responsibilities that deals with the co-signing issue. Bottom line: If you co-signed
    on the loan, you must make the payments if your child doesn't or suffer
    the consequences.  The bank lent the money on the strength of your
    signature and ability to pay.

    The article offers some tips on other ways to deal with the car issue:

    • Lend him a second family car.
    • Buy him a clunker. It can be a gift or he can pay you back.
    • If you feel
      you must buy him a new car, keep it in your name.
      At least that way, if your kid quits making payments, you have the vehicle. By
      co-signing, you get all the responsibilities and none of the benefits.

    Sounds like Bud is on the right track.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Staying on the job to help the kids out

    One friend is paying for her daughter's attempt to start a family through a surrogate pregnancy. The tab is high–$100,000 when all is said and done. Her husband is semi-retired and her daughter and son-in-law could never afford the tab. So she's continuing to work–"to pay the bill." At least, that what she says–that if she weren't paying for the surrogate's pregnancy and all the testing and medical procedures that were part of the pregnancy, she would retire–or work part time.

    Another friend is also not retiring. Her son has a prestigious job–but the salary is not nearly as high as the job's profile. Maybe someday he can cash in on all that prestige. Meanwhile, the parents want to be sure there's the wherewithal to help out–when the son's roof needs repair, the basement floods, the grandkids' dental bills mount–without eating up their retirement savings. So they, too, are continuing to work–despite tempting thoughts of retiring to travel around the world.

    Lots of us are doing the same thing–putting off retirement in order to have the cash to make life easier, better, more bearable for our children. Some of us are kidding ourselves that this is why we continue to work. A lot of us like working–like our jobs and the second family that work provides–or fear the loss of vitality that might come with retiring from the work force. We don't want to give it up, even if we are dog-tired weary by the end of the work week. While some of us continue to work "for our children," many times it's more of a mixed reason. What makes me nervous is any hint to the adult children that they are the reason we're still working. What a guilt trip that would lay down. And it might not even be true.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    where do you draw the line on helping your grown children with debts or big purchases, such as a car, house or college loan?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: Bonding is better when the parents aren’t around

    A friend is planning a trip to California–to see old friends whose eldest grandson is about to have a Bar Mitzvah.  The California friends date back to my friend's youth and the two families–one on the east coast, the other on the west coast–have stayed close for years. My friend's children and their children are invited. It will be close-friends reunion.

    As a special treat, my friend is planning to fly out to Los Angeles four days ahead of time with her 10-year-old granddaughter, her first and oldest grandchild. It will be a mini-vacation together for the two of them. Last year, she took this much-loved grandchild to Paris. She sees the Los Angeles trip as a continuation of a tradition: Grandmother and granddaughter going someplace special together–and bonding ever closer.

    Then her daughter, the mother of her Grand, had second thoughts. Maybe she got cold feet. Or just wanted to be part of the holiday. Or something. "I'll come with you," she told her mother. "Wouldn't that be fun?"

    My friend said no, it would not be fun. It was, in fact, a deal breaker. It would change the whole nature of the trip. When the parents are around, grandchildren relate to their nanas and poppies in a very different way. Instead of being the center of the grandchild's world for those few days, the grandparent–no matter how loving or special–is second fiddle. There's no longer the one-on-one relationship. Actually, my friend put the bottom line this way: If her daughter came along, she said, "I'd just be a credit card." 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparent Rivalry: Does more time with the toddlers translate into love and devotion?

    "It's not a problem." This is what a woman I am talking to at a party tells me when I tell her I've just posted a blog on the subject of grandparent rivalry. Her son, his wife and toddler twins live in Los Angeles; she and her husband–the grandpop–live on the east coast. The other grandparents live in Los Angeles and "are co-parenting"  the twins, says my new acquaintance. But it is not a problem, she says, because they are "very giving people." When she goes west for a visit–usually for four or five days– the L.A. grandparents make themselves scarce, giving the east coasters plenty of space to bond. "It works out just fine," she assures me. Except once.

    The once: She went out for a longer visit–nearly 10 days. And while she was there, her son asked her if she would mind if the other grandparents came by. They wanted to say hello to her–and they wanted to see the children. "I told him, if they have to come they have to come. But I'm very angry about it. If you ask me if it's OK with me, it's not." They did not come.

    I came away from that conversation thinking about what was at stake and how I would feel in her place. Are the stakes the fear that the toddlers will love the other grandparents more? That they will have a stronger bond and more allegiance to the other set of grandparents? Despite my previous blog on the subject– based on a Dear Carolyn Hax query by young parents–I was surprised by my party-companion's reaction. And shocked.

    I'd like to think that I would be more generous and welcoming, that I wouldn't ask my son to have a "you can't come by" conversation with his in-laws who have, as the east coast grandmother has already acknowledged, been "very giving" to her son and his young family. But emotions can run strong–and overrule what is in your head.

    But there's another emotion running around my head when I'm the out-of-town grannie visiting one of my children and their children: loneliness. There I am in a city not my own, away from my usual routine and  comforts, far from my walking buddies, husband, job, whatever. It doesn't matter how warm and loving the grownchildren and their children are, it is still lonely. Personally, I would welcome a visit from the other grandparents during the long, slow daytime.And a chance to talk ad nauseum about my grandchildren. Who else would be willing partners in such a conversation?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Putting money aside to help the grown kids and their kids

    This recession is hard on everyone–more so on those it affects directly: those with the lost job or the diminished 401k. But that hasn't stopped many of us from using what we've got to help those we love. A  study out of Britain may reflect what's happening here as well.

    Here are the basics of the report:

    13 percent of British grandparents are filling up savings accounts with money for their grandchildren to inherit:. A
    fifth of this group are saving upwards of £400 every year, which will turn into a £10,000 nest egg when the children turn 18. Additionally,
    a tenth of these over-50s are putting money into savings
    accounts to help their adult children through the recession.

    The
    study is in sharp contrast to a report released earlier that revealed that six in 10 over-50s are
    concerned that their pensions and savings will be insufficient to look
    after them in retirement.

    Meanwhile, back here in the U.S.A., a friend tells me what she's doing to assure that her 33-year-old daughter–unmarried and still struggling with job losses in this economy–will have savings in the bank on her far-in-the-future retirement day. She's has set up a Roth IRA in her daughter's name and is funding it for her–for now. More on this interesting idea in a future post.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Fighting over the grandbaby: New grandparents behaving badly

    The Scottish poet Robert Burns had it right: "O would some power the giftie gie us, to see ourselves as others see us."

    I was reminded of that line while reading a Carolyn Hax advisory in the Sunday Washington Post. Here's the gist of the complaint: Young couple with first baby are facing out-of-control competition by grandparents for them–new mom, new dad, new baby–to come visit. The divorced grandmother resents any visits to her ex–one of the granddads. Meanwhile, the young dad's  parents keep count of how many times they visit them versus one of her parents. "It has gotten so bad," the new mother [and someone's grown child] writes, "that they ask us where we are on weekends to see whether we are at another grandparent's house, and if we are, all hell breaks loose."

    I know wherein she speaks. Several of my friends have voiced concern that the other grandparents get to see their grandchild more than they do, that the other set will have more influence over, gain more love from, be more important to the grand child. The feelings run deep. I've had little inklings of them myself–don't we all? Fortunately, most of us keep these thoughts and emotions to ourselves or vent them to friends. As you can tell from reading this Post clip–"how can we help them to understand how hurtful it is to be given so much guilt"–the situation there is out of control. But more to the point, there's nothing these grandparents are gaining by making their grown children feel guilty.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Granny as Nanny: Offering your services, even from a distance.

    The magazine where I've spent the past 20 years of my career has been sold. The new owners have, as they say, brought on their own editorial team. In other words. my work-family of 20 years is no longer under one roof. So now I am free to spend more time on this blog (a plus) and to be available to help my grown children, who live in cities far from me, should they need it. This is the message I relayed to Alpha Daughter. To which she replied: "Well, I have a real problem with child-care coverage on Wednesday and Thursday. It would be wonderful if you could come up here from time to time to help out." I would pick up my little Grand at school, amuse her, get dinner ready–in other words, I would be a helpful, hands-on grandparent and parent.

    It takes some recomputing on my part to figure out how this would work: Free to travel on a Wednesday and Thursday? I'm used to thinking Saturday and Sunday. But why not? "Have computer. Will travel. Can help out." That should be my new motto–if I can just wrap my mind and new reality around it.