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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Home Visit: A special welcome for the grandchildren

    Uber son's family of five live in a city some 400 miles north of us. So it makes more sense for Paterfamilias and I to visit them, then it does for my son and daughter-in-law to drag three small children back to the family manse. Which is why it has been almost two years since they've been to our house for a weekend. 

    Rarity has its charms–and inspirations. My store of toys and amusements for children were in sore need of an update–the two "big" Grands have outgrown the Matchbox cars and play dough. Instead of just laying in a store of stuff for them to do–just-in-case rainy day amusements–I decided to try a variation on something I had read about and posted a while ago: Creating a special bag of stuff for each child–anything from a funny toothbrush to a word-game book to a box of crayons.

    It turned out to be a more interesting way to shop for stuff–thinking about each child and what he or she  would like. I ended up packing each bag with a few small items–from colored drinking cups with built in straws (one for each of them) to assorted small puzzles, a small board game, stencil kits and other art supplies. Bottom line: It didn't cost a lot of money but they seemed thrilled with having their own bag of tricks to rifle through. Especially the 2-year-old: She felt quite grown up being treated as an equal–especially since she got a page of stickers all to herself. 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Home Visit: A son and his family come home for a weekend

    I wake up this morning to the sounds of my house. All the beds in it were full last night: Uber son and his family have come home for a weekend visit.

    It is an hour before I usually get up, but I hear my toddler Grand. She woke up in a cheery mood and is now pattering around the house–her mom in tow–having a babbling conversation with herself. It's such a happy sound–like a soft, lilting song. Then I hear the "big kids." They are up and around and leave a more definitive step on the stairs.

    Now they are all in the kitchen. I can hear cereal plopping into bowls, milk being poured and the chatter, chatter, chatter of children in the morning–a little tiff over something or other but otherwise breakfast is being wolfed down while I pull myself out of bed.

    My house has come alive. It is stretching and expanding to shelter and care for them. Me, too.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    The Power of “No:” Over-indulgence has its limits.

    Our grown children may have great expectations about the goods and services we can–and often do–provide. That's' why, a friend says, she felt liberated when she said "no" to one of her children.

    It may sound trivial–and clearly this is a parent and grandparent who enjoys indulging her children–but she has her limits. She had arranged for grown daughter and her three children to join her and grandpop for a long winter weekend at a resort in Florida. The grown child pays her family's air fare to Florida but my friend and grandpop foot the resort bill–room, meals, entertainment. They can afford it, and it gives them pleasure. One vacation day, my friend, daughter and granddaughter went shopping. As they passed a pricey children's boutique–the kind only grandmas shop at–my friends daughter told her daughter to go in there and pick out something,that grandma will buy it for her. And that's when my friend said No. "It was a tiny little thing, but I felt liberated. I was finally able to say, 'I'll do this, but not that.' " When she said no, my friend adds, "Chicken little did not fall from the sky."

    The question for many of us is along the same line: How many times do we pull out the credit card or send the check because our kids make us feel it's expected? Even when we can afford it, are there times when we should say "no," when enough is enough?  

    The Just Say No extends to matters beyond money. When we're expected to babysit–even tho we have other plans; when they want to come by for a visit–even though it's inconvenient. Many of us drop everything–cancel plans with friends, rearrange our schedules. Sometimes we should–our kids genuinely need us and the loving service only we can provide. But sometimes there's a feeling that they are taking advantage of us, that we still have an active life we're leading and can't drop everything just to make things more convenient for them. As my friend says, "It's a very interesting process to begin to do this."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Helping kids with big purchases

    When it comes to money, we're all over the place–tight-fisted to spendthrift; controlling to reckless; obsessed to careless. When it comes to our kids, it's even worse. It gets emotional, often reflecting where we've come from in our own lives.

    Here's what I mean: A friend of a friend is a very successful and high-profile lawyer–a millionaire many time over with a big house and many expensive cars to his name. And he did it by himself: Started with almost nothing and slogged his way through to his current position of power and affluence. That, at least, is the routine he has always given his sons when he tells them he will not help them out financially–no loans to buy a car, a house or pay unexpected expenses. When they were heading to college, he insisted they work their way through. His message: They should work just as hard he did. He doesn't owe them anything.

    This is not to suggest he isn't a loving father. But he draws a tight fiscal line and has yet to cross it. I've written before about those of us who prefer to use our hard-won money to help our kids out–to see them enjoy in the here and now the relief our money can bring. But we also have friends who say, we put our kids through college and that's it; we don't intend to help them with anything else–not that they can't afford it; it's a principle. It's an issue I've visited before on this blog.

    It may get down to something as basic as our life experiences. If our parents were generous, we may have that model and want to be generous as well. Or, if our parents were fiscally restrained, we may decide we don't want to follow that path. Or perhaps they were generous to one of our siblings and that brother or sister squandered the money and our inheritance as well. We might want to be more cautious in the help we offer our children or the strings we attach to that help.

    If you have the money to do help your grown children, where do you draw the line? Or are you all or nothing? Some things–help with paying off college loans, perhaps–but not others? And how do you come to your philosophy of giving?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesting: Togetherness across the generations

    One big happy (or unhappy) family is taking on new meaning. Older moms and dads are moving in with their adult children, or the grown kids are moving in with them and those adult children have children of their own. One house: two or three generations. It's called multi-generational housing. And economists tie it to both the down-turned economy and health needs.

    It's growth is for real. According to a January 2010 survey of its real estate agents, Coldwell Banker reports that in the past year, there has been a notable rise in the number of home buyers looking to purchase homes to
    accommodate more than one generation of their family. Nearly 70 percent of the sales agents see economic
    conditions accelerating that trend in the coming year.

    Here's how the survey breaks down the reasons behind the multi-generational housing purchases: 39 percent give financial reasons as the number one driver; 29 percent point to health issues; 6 percent cite a strong family
    bond.

    The emotional issues that tie into such togetherness can be, as comedian Sarah Silverman might say, "beyond beyond." On a more practical level, though, the Coldwell Banker survey has a tip for those preparing to be multi-generational homesteaders:

    "Extended families purchasing a
    home together should consider signing a written contract outlining
    everything from finances to chores and childcare. Each family should
    assess their situation individually and find a plan that works best for
    them."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Parenting Advice from Experts: Seven tips on getting along with your grown child

    Sometimes our relationship with a grown child sours. Maybe it's just going through a bad patch right now; maybe it's part of a general downward spiral. There are always reasons for a deterioration. Some of them may stem from–or be exacerbated by–things you say or do that you may not realize are toxic. Here's a checklist of seven such hot buttons–complied by Dr. Joshua Coleman. He calls them "recommendations to
    decrease conflict and increase closeness with your adult child."

    · Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have
    raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know
    better about who they should be with.

    · Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of
    experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent
    intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.

    · Don't criticize their sexuality. This should go without
    saying, but we don't choose our sexuality, our sexuality chooses us.
    Criticizing something about your child that is part of his or her
    make-up is a guaranteed recipe for alienation.

    · Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you.
    Guilt increases distance and resentment.

    · If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other
    form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or
    criticism.

    · Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.

    · If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with
    retaliation. Work to understand why your child feels the way that he or
    she does. Assume that there are separate realities in every family and
    that your adult child has a legitimate perspective, even if it isn't
    obvious to you. Get a lot of support for the inevitable feelings of
    hurt, anger, guilt, or shame evoked by the alienation from your adult
    child.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Letting Your Kids Know What Their Legacy Will Be

    Heartache and heartburn lie ahead for grown kids whose parent's don't let them know how they plan to disburse their assets. That's what the estate-planning experts say and they may not be exaggerating.  Of course, right or wrong, you won't be there to see it. But still.

    The misunderstandings that can arise range from hurt feelings over who the executor of the will is to why one sibling was chosen to inherit the house and another got the jewelry–when the kids would have preferred it the other way around.

    Yes, it's time to have a conversation with your grown children about your estate plan. Not necessarily how much you'll be leaving them but why you're doing what. One set of parents with a financially successful son and a do-good-works but much poorer daughter, sat their son down to explain why the daughter would inherit more of their money than he would. Having the information come directly from mom and dad and the reason behind it meant a lot to the son, who said he might have felt that somehow he had disappointed his parents–rather than that they felt so good about his success that they didn't feel he needed further backing. He also felt that if had disagreed with their reasoning he would have had a chance to argue against it. And he was able to tell them what items of theirs had sentimental value for him.

    Such a nice story. And you're probably saying, as I am, I'm going to do it, I'm going to have a conversation with my kids about my estate–however big or small that estate may be. Besides, sentimental value can't be overestimated. And yet we don't do it. I haven't done it yet. Is it the confrontation with mortality? The discomfort of talking about money? Of appearing to play favorites? Of re-stoking sibling rivalries?

    Time to come to terms with those emotions. If you need a little rational support, this New York Times story may be just the ticket. 

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesting: When the grown kids move back home

    The economy is taking its toll on those empty bedrooms in your house. More young and not-so-young adult children are finding the only way to survive the downturn–the loss of job or the piling up of bills–is to cut their losses by moving back home. The number of people between the ages of 25 to 34 that are living with their parents increased 17.8 percent between 2000 and 2007, according to the U.S. Census Bureau–and that was before the recession firmed its grip. Wonder what the 2010 numbers will look like?

    Here's another view of those numbers: Almost 16 million
    families had at least one child over 18 living at home in 2003, up 7 percent
    since 1995 and up 14 percent since 1985, according to the Census Bureau's
    American Housing Survey.

    They're "boomerang" or "back-to-the-bedroom" kids. They leave.
    They come back. Sometimes more than once, often after college, between
    jobs, before marriage, after a divorce or when housing costs are so
    exorbitant that moving in to their old bedrooms is more appealing than
    sharing a small, rundown apartment with three roommates.

    Zhu Xiao Di, a research analyst at Harvard University's Joint Center
    for Housing Studies, has studied boomerang kids for years.In a recent paper, ["The Effects of Housing Push Factors and
    Rent Expectations on Household Formation of Young Adult,"] he finds a
    direct correlation between rent prices and an adult child's decision
    to live with the parents. Couple that with big increases in college tuition and fees, and young adults find themselves
    saddled with debt before they start collecting their first paychecks.No wonder they head home.

    The good (or bad) news, depending on how much you like have your grown children living at home, is that such arrangements aren't usually permanent. The number of kids moving back in with their folks usually escalates
    during cycles of crisis, such as wars and economic depressions.

    Sound like what we're going through now?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Empty Nesting: Clearing out your child’s old bedroom.

    It took us almost 10 years to clear out our children's bedrooms. They were launched into the world and starting families of their own before we came to terms with the idea that they no longer needed their old bedrooms. And that if we took over those rooms, they wouldn't feel disowned.

    I was reminded of those feelings when I read a recent piece in the New York Times by Michelle Slatalla. She is moving east and had to clean out the bedrooms of her college-age daughters who were away at school. It made her remember how awful she felt when her mother bundled up all the talisman's of her youth and dismantled her room. She was concerned that her children would feel the same way. 

    Maybe it was the grace of ten years, but I didn't worry about what my children would think. They would still come home for visits but they wouldn't be sleeping in their old beds surrounded by memorabilia from their grade school days. But Paterfamilias was unnerved by the dismantling–in fact, he resisted it for several years. He worried that his children would feel less welcome when they came home for a visit. On an even more gut level, he seemed to feel it was proof that our family had changed, that our children had grown up and moved away to other cities in other parts of the country. And he didn't like to admit it.

    Empty nesting is a tricky thing. I've read stories–usually in decorating magazines–about parents who, garbed in a celebratory mood–re-do their now-extra bedrooms within days of their child moving out. I don't necessarily envy them. I wonder at the quick dispatch of the past. Of course, it may be that they desperately needed the extra space. Our son and daughter had the two biggest bedrooms in the house–on the top floor with high cathedral ceilings, skylights and huge picture windows. We took the room off the kitchen–it had more closets and a bigger bathroom. For us to move upstairs to their rooms meant ripping out the built-in desks and bookcases and replacing them with closets and an addition to the bathroom. There was nothing impermanent about the takeover of their space. We carefully boxed up anything they had left behind–that stuff is still in its boxes in the basement; they have never opened the boxes or asked after the old notebooks, textbooks or drawings in them.

    They still come home to visit. They sleep in the guest room or on the pull-out couch in the downstairs rec room. I like to think that not retiring to their old rooms–or sleeping in their old bunk beds–makes them feel more grown up and independent, that it helps change the dynamics of the visit. There's no reason to slip back into teen-year patterns. It's a whole new adult world inside the house. The only little kids in it are theirs.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Communications: How it feels when we feel left out of our grown childrens’ lives.

    "Only connect." That's the famously underlying theme of E. M. Forster's Howards End. It also applies to our relationship with our grown children. We want to stay in touch–not just on a superficial level. We want to know what's happening in their lives, where we can help, where we can offer advice. And there are also those vicarious thrills. After all, our lives are slowing down while their's are picking up speed. And the place where those places interconnect can be uncomfortable. Forster is far from the only writer to look at the frailty of those connections.

    Poet Cortney Davis captures the essence of a difficult parent-child moment when she writes of a parent and grown child sitting in an airport cafe:

      How's work? I'll ask my son, trying to catch up.
      He'll concentrate on his plate. I'll pick up the bill.