PenPenWrites

PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Re-nesting: Being polite to our adult children

05/23/2011

We've lived through the adolescence thing. We don't want to face that experience again, but there's the threat of doing so if we have a young adult in or around the house–or a fully grown adult child living or visiting the home front. Close proximity can create frictions that simulate some of the tumult of those teen years. That's why I was drawn to points made in a recent column by psychologist Carl Pickhardt, who writes about dealing with adolescence on his blog on Psychology Today's Web site.

A recent one had to do with little things that mean a lot–namely courtesy and the importance of it in our interchanges with our family members. He may have been aiming specifically at an adolescent in the home, but the points he makes in Adolescence and the power of parental courtesy, would seem to apply to dealing with grown children no matter the age.

"Courtesy behaviors," he writes, "are those small gestures that define how thoughtfully people treat each other on a daily basis."

What behaviors is he talking about? Here are his examples:

Would you rather be told to give help or be ASKED to give help?

Would you rather be interrupted or be LISTENED to when saying something important?

Would you rather be ignored or be NOTICED for the special gesture you made?

Would you rather be criticized or be COMPLIMENTED for trying your hardest?

Would you rather be taken for granted or be THANKED for doing a favor?

Would you rather be untouched by a loved one when feeling sad or be HUGGED?

Acts of common courtesy, he suggests, "contribute to quality of family life by causing the giver to act thoughtfully and the receiver to feel treated with consideration."

As the grown kids head home from college–or the once-independent grownup moves back home with mom and dad for a while, it doesn't hurt to remember those little ways of framing a request or a thank you. Miss Manners would approve.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Grandparenting: Are we up-to-date on stranger danger?

05/20/2011

It all started with a Washington Post's Kids Post on robots and the cool things robots can do–play soccer, solve Rubik's cube. When she was visiting her grandkids, Lee read it over with them and discussed with them their ideas about what they would want a robot to do if they had one. The Post asked readers to send in their ideas and the grandmother and her grandchildren complied. Lee thought the Post would compile the answers and let its readers know that X number of children wanted a robot to cook for them and X wanted them to play chess, etc. But Post editors picked out a dozen answers that they found engaging and printed them–with the names and home town of the children who made the suggestions. Lee's grandkids made the list.

That's when Lee ran into a boatload of trouble. Although her grown son had been present for the discussion, her daughter-in-law hadn't. When Lee showed her daughter-in-law the contest results in the newspaper, her daughter-in-law became enraged: yelling, screaming, angry at Lee. She had not been consulted about sending the information in, but more important, she never, never, never allows her children's names to be published online or anywhere. Ever.

Lee was stunned. She explained, she discussed and then she apologized. Several times. She cried all the way home, she says. The apology was finally accepted the next day when Lee agreed to call the Post and have her grandchildren's names removed from the online version.

Lee tells this story at lunch with two friends who are also grandparents, and our small group is shocked by the daughter-in-law's reaction. Except that we shouldn't have been. Many young parents today see the Internet as a dangerous place for their children to be–to wander through without supervision, of course, but also as a place where their names or, worse, their photos could appear. They see predators lurking everywhere on the Internet. This is a big issue on Facebook. Parents are very careful with privacy settings when it comes to family news and photos. I asked my daughter–mother of an 8-year-old Grand–her reaction to Lee's story. She says she wouldn't have been angry, but she did understand the concern about letting your child's identity get out of your control.

I also repeated Lee's story to a couple–Elliot and Ann–we were having dinner with that evening. Just as I got to the part where Lee showed the newspaper to her daughter in law, Elliot interrupted with a shout: "She was furious! She didn't want her children's names in the newspaper!" Turns out, his kids are the same way. Ann added that she had been invited by friends at work to open a Facebook group page so they could swap personal information and chit chat. When her daughter-in-law got wind of this, she objected and asked Ann not to do it. Why? What else would the women talk about but their grandchildren–and post photos of them as well, and she didn't want her children's names or photos online. Ann, who says she doesn't understand Facebook anyway, didn't join the group.

As our grown children make their way through the perilous child rearing years, we stand ready with advice from the wisdom of our experience. We are there to guide them around the shoals of childhood and teenager-dom–as we remember them. But here is something with which we have no prior experience–and little understanding of the fear behind it. It's a whole new world out there.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Re-Nesting: College grad moves in but not on

05/17/2011

The complaint comes not from the mother of the son who has returned to the nest. It comes from the sister. The brother, a recent college grad, has a low-paying, late-night-shift job and can't afford to rent his own place. So he's moved back home with mom. His girlfriend is the problem. She doesn't officially live with the brother but she's there all the time–and she sits in his room all day, stoned, the sister says. She wants to know what her mother can do about this inappropriate and unhealthy situation–a situation that bothers the mother. The sister/daughter writes Carolyn Hax, a Washington Post advice columnist,that her mother "is at a loss as to how to confront my brother and this girl without stomping on his nascent adulthood and causing a huge fight."

Ah, yes. The "trampling" on the "nascent adult." Just what so many of us face when college students, young adults or emerging adults move home while they come to terms with where their life is going–and all the anxieties that accompany that: for them and us. It's a problem. We don't want to step on their toes, but when they start stepping on ours or we are confronted with unhealthy choices they are making, we may have to do some trampling–nuanced and with some with some emotional subtlety–but nonetheless something that addresses the point.

Here's Hax suggestion: Mom needs to treat son like an adult, not as an emerging one. She could say something straightforward and non-emotional, like, "I've said nothing about your girlfriend's staying here, hoping you would recognize for yourself that it is totally inappropriate for her to sit in your room, full-time, stoned…Please steer her out of your room, and ideally to some help, or else I will have to get involved."

Hax's point–and it's one I find worth remembering–is this: Don't get sucked into an argument. That would send the message that the mother sees her son as fragile, and that would undermine her respectful intent.

To say nothing of trample down hard on his nascent adulthood.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Grandparenting: When the discipline is too strict

05/13/2011

"I was no pushover," a friend tells me. "When my children were small, I had all my nick-nacks out in the living room and I taught them not to touch them. They never did." That said, she says her children's approach to disciplining their children makes her so uncomfortable she no longer enjoys visiting them. "Both my daughter and my son are so strict and about such minor things," she says. Moreover, when she is in their house, she is expected to enforce the disciplinary rules of the house. "They expect me to be a third parent. But that's not who I am. I'm the grandmother."

She has written her daughter a lengthy email on this point–written when she had calmed down after an unpleasant confrontation over what was expected of her when she babysat. In the aftermath of the email, promsies have been made to make sure she does not feel–and is not expected to be–a third parent.

She has come up with other solutions to her problem. Rather than visit in her daughter's house, she invites her grandchildren–they are 9 and 11–over to her house by themselves for a special treat with grandma. Or she arranges to take them out to a movie or for lunch–on their own.

Her son, however, lives half way across the country. His son–her grandson–is only two years old. Right now, she has decided to call a temporary halt to visits. She can't stand to see him corrected and punished for refusing to eat zucchini or forgetting to ask to leave the dinner table or misthrowing a ball beyond his indoor play area. "He holds out his little arms to me, crying–and all he's done is mis-throw a ball. He's only 2!"

It can be painful to watch your children parent. Either they don't impose enough disciplinary measures–raising your concern that your grandchildren will be brats. Or, the discipline comes with too heavy a hand–raising your concern that your grandchildren will turn into frightened robots. We also don't have the back story–which issues have been festering without our knowing about it.

One grandparent I talked to about the discipline dilemma made this point: "As much as we'd like to, we can't always come to the rescue of our grand/grands. All we can do is to make the best of what time we have with them without making them feel they can expect us to break their parents rules. This could cause conflict between parents and grandparents, and we wouldn't want this, as this may cause us not to be able to see them." It's also an issue discussed on About.com's grandparenting

Grandparenting may mean we get to go home before the meltdowns start. But it also means we have no say in how the kids are being brought up–no matter how painful it is to watch.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Emerging Adults: Supporting them is an investment in their future

05/09/2011

When her son graduated from college, Norma says he was all at sea–he had no idea what he wanted to do. He'd been a good athlete in college–he was a star on his school's baseball team–and earned good grades, but all that discipline and focus didn't add up to a career choice.

Norma, who is my physical therapist, is also my new "best friend": We spend an hour with each other, twice a week. While she works on my sore leg and back, we get to talking about a lot of things. She would like to cut back on her hours, but she can't: She and her husband are supporting their son, who lives in New York. And New York, Norma tells me, "is very expensive."

Six years ago, her son went to Big Apple to visit some fraternity brothers who were there trying to make their way in the world. One was working at a radio station that had an opening in its sport research department. Her son knew a lot about sports, got an interview and the job, and moved to New York.

The job didn't pay much. Norma and her husband helped out. They paid his rent–they wanted him to live in a safe neighborhood, so the rent was sizable–and his credit card bill. "Lots of charges for bars and meals out–he doesn't cook," Norma says. The job was just for a year. When it ended and her son was out of work, Norma suggested he get a job at Starbucks or something like that to earn a little extra money. He didn't want to. He now had a career in mind. He took film-editing classes and within a year landed a job with a television production company. He's been there four years now, but he still can't make it on his own. He pays his own rent now, but Norma and her husband still pay the credit card bill. The good news: they are seeing fewer bar charges on the card. He now has a girl friend and she cooks. Norma hasn't met her yet but it sounds "serious." The girlfriend is from Los Angeles and has a sous-chef internship at a restaurant. But her job is not exactly a high-paying one. Norma asked if they were thinking of moving in together. They are not–they are not ready for that level of commitment, although a move would make financial sense. The people it would make the most fiscal sense to, however, are Norma and her husband and the girl's parents–they're supporting her.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Losing Control: We’re the offstage players now

05/03/2011

One of the trickiest parts of parenting adult children is recognizing that we are no longer the center of the family universe, that our grown children are now the sun and stars. We are revolving around them.

In her 2008 book Patriotic Grace, Peggy Noonan wrote about politics and our need to face common challenges together. But she might as well have been talking about parenting adult children when she wrote: "There is even a feeling, a faint sense sometimes that we have been relegated to the role of walk-on in someone else's drama, that as citizens we are crucial and yet somehow…extraneous."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Emerging Adults: Their dating life and your input

04/28/2011

"What does he see in her?" 'How could she go out with him?

As our kids move through their "serious" dating years–as they prepare themselves to find and settle down with Ms or Mr Right–we may get to meet a lot of their romantic interests. The historical marriage age, after all, has moved up to 26 for women, 28 for men, and that could mean we'll witness either one or two long-term relationships or a lot of serial dating. Few of the "interests" will meet our criteria as worthy of our precious child's love and devotion. We inevitably set a high bar. But even so, some will fall far far below it. And the longer the relationship lasts, the more tempted we'll be to try to steer our child away from a mistake.

Not a good idea. As we all know, even if we can't help ourselves, negative input from mom and dad is likely to push two young people together. But what's a parent to do? I recently read some good tips on the subject in an AARP posting by Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, who's been a leading voice in research on "emerging adulthood," and Elizabeth Fishel, a writer on family issues. Here are some highlights beyond the "keep your opinions to yourself" stuff:

"If you must say something, comment on what you observe, rather than on the person in question…such as: "He puts you down" or "She interrupts you." Sticking with observed behavior gives your son or daughter room to open up — or tell you to back off.

"Hold the judgments and…listen with empathy. We call this approach "friends with barriers," and it's all about the delicate balance between support and intrusion, between staying connected and being overly invested in your emerging adult's every move.

"Ask yourself what your child's relationship is providing that you're not seeing. Just considering this question reframes your perspective from criticism to greater understanding.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Why our grown children may not take our financial advice

04/22/2011

When it comes to financial decisions–paying off debt, buying a car–we just don't understand our 20-something kids. Why would they buy a flashy car and ignore that student loan? And when we give them the benefit of our advice, why don't they take it?

Turns out, there's a scientific reason for that. There's a big difference between the way a 20-something's brain works and the way ours does, especially when it comes to financial matters. Our brains have grown and matured into a different set of skills than the one we had at our children's age. That's a point Barbara Strauch makes in her book, The Secret Life of the Grown-Up Brain. She takes note of work done by Harvard economics professor David Laibson, who has done research in the field of neuroeconomics (how people use their brains to make financial decisions). Laibson has found that when confronting complex money issues, such as mortgage or interest rates, those in middle age (40 to 65) make the best choices. Not only that, the "sweet spot" for having the best judgment in matters of personal economics is the 50s.

On the other side of the divide are our grown children–especially the newly grown in their 20s (emerging adults)–who are just coming into their own and are facing critical personal economic decisions: not just how to pay for beer but whether to rent or buy housing, how much debt it's safe to carry, the financial implications of taking one job over another. Their brains are skilled–their memories and brain speed are sharper than ours. But brain research suggests that our minds have developed in a way that gives us better, more long-range judgment about financial matters. Theirs are at a less mature stage. And that's where the conflict comes. Just because they have adult bodies and hormones and jobs or positions with responsibilities, their brains are in a "primitive" stage in terms of neuroeconomics.

Which doesn't mean that unsolicited advice won't help them avoid the financial shoals of life. Or that giving advice is necessarily an exercise in frustration. It just means there may be a reason why they don't see the wisdom of our financial ways.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Visiting Privileges: Talking to your grown children when the grandkids are around

04/19/2011

A reader writes: "How do you have an adult conversation with your adult children when they are so focused on their children?" When the family is all together–out for a pizza dinner or sitting around in late afternoon–it is hard, he says, to get the conversation away from his grown children's constant monitoring of and chatting with the four- and six-year olds and onto affairs of the world or state. Or just anything that would constitute a grown-up conversation.

Is he being unrealistic? Is this the norm for how the generation of our grown children behaves. When I open the question to friends, most nod knowingly. Yes, their grown children are child-centric; yes, it's difficult to talk about anything that is not relevant to their offspring or of interest to said small children. What do they do about it? Grin and bear it. And wait for the pre-schoolers and kindergartners to grow into school-age children who can be induced to take an interest in the world outside the nursery (if nursery is still an appropriate word).

"Children should be seen and not heard," is a point one friend made. He was harking back to what he thinks was his back-in-the-day day. But were our parents ready to ignore our presence to the extent that our grown children are not similarly willing? Is that progress? What would a Tiger Mother say? Her children would probably be giving us a large and loud dose of Mozart's Rondo a la Turk on the piano and there would be no room for conversation.

The reader's frustration may also hark back to the reality for our generation: We are no longer central to the family–our grown children are. We play by their rules. And we may not like them.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Letting Go: Knowing when to take our hands off the control button

04/14/2011

We've all had an Aha! moment–the little epiphany that tells us, it's time to let go of the controls, that our children are adults and it's time to treat them that way. For me, it was when Alpha daughter came home from college for the summer of her junior year. She asked if I was excited about a vacation I was planning–a hiking trip in Corsica. I would be, I told her, except that I couldn't think about it: I had so much to take care of to get her brother and her ready to go back to school. "If you did a little less," she told me, "and we did a little more, we'd both be happier."

I thought about that moment when a friend from my own college days sent an email commenting on control issues and adding one from her own experience. "My son," she wrote, "had been married almost a year before it dawned on me that I should no longer buy his underpants."

Aha!