PenPenWrites

parenting blog, memoir notes, family punchlines & more

recent posts

© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: When rivalry with the other grandfolks morphs into resentment

    When their daughter-in-law became desperately ill–sick enough to be in the hospital for a week–Alice and Edward went into crisis mode: picking up and delivering the two small grandchildren to day care and bringing them home at the end of the day; feeding them; playing with them and putting them to bed. Their son–the dad–was around but he was also working and shuttling back and forth to see his wife and her doctors. It was a difficult time for everyone, especially since Alice and Edward work full time.

    "This is what we do," Alice says, when a very tired Alice and I are sitting and having coffee. I agree. We are programmed to put our lives on hold and help out when we're needed–at least we are at this stage of our lives.

    Or are we? The daughter-in-law's parents, who had lived many years abroad, had moved back last year to the city where their daughter was living. The father, who was with an international institution, was working full time but not the mother. Aside from visits to their daughter in the hospital, they were no where to be seen at the child-helping end of the equation. What had Alice really ticked off, though, was that her DIL's mother–the co-grandmother–left town in the midst of the crisis to visit another daughter so that the other daughter could take some time off. "If it were me," Alice says, "I would have called the other daughter and said, 'Your sister is seriously ill. I know you'll understand that I need to be here to help out. You'll have to find someone else to cover for you.'"

    When the DIL's parents first moved back to this country, Alice was worried that she and Edward would seem dull and oh-so-ordinary–they hadn't lived in Indonesia or Japan; they hadn't entertained high level diplomats and important business leaders. If she felt any rivalry with her co-grandparents, that feeling had now morphed into resentment–that they weren't there to take on some of the burden rippling out from their daughter's illness, especially when it came to bringing aid and comfort to two toddlers.

    Who knows why others don't feel compelled to drop everything and rush to the rescue of an ailing child and his or her family. Maybe they were waiting to be asked.  Not everyone has the same code,feels the same closeness or believes they would be welcome and needed. 

    As for Alice and Edward, they have gotten their reward: Once the daughter-in-law was at home and recovering, their son took them aside, thanked them for being there and told them they were "really special." That says it all, doesn't it?

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Parenting Grown Children: The curtain comes down when a family visit ends.

    They packed up the van and loaded my three Grands in the back. Six hours later, Uber son, wife and Grands arrived at the family manse for a weekend visit. Within minutes of their arrival, Paterfamilias and I began an immersion into their lives–in the ins and outs of who likes what for a snack and how things are going at school and what's happening with the indoor soccer team. It's exhilarating. Not just in a deja vu kind of way but in a real fascination with how the grown child's career is expanding and how the Grands are growing up–what their concerns are, what their many strengths and occasional weaknesses are. One by one, they plop themselves down at the piano and play. We can hear a growing sense of rhythm and musicianship by the two who are taking piano lessons. They take the Razor scooter parked in our carport out for a spin and we watch how adventurous they are–or are not–in scooting down our steep driveway and along our dead-end street. Soccer balls are kicked around. Basketballs heaved at a rickety hoop at the end of the street. The van disgorges a tricycle for the not-quite-four year old and we get to marvel at her new accomplishment.

    All this is a long way of saying that when our grown children arrive at our house with our Grands and they stay for a few days, we are suddenly and deeply absorbed by and into their world. We sop up all the small talk about what they're learning in science class and how the math is going; the challenges of a co-ed versus all-girls soccer team; how limits are set for screen time and games on the iPad. By Sunday, we're rolling along with the plans for upcoming birthdays and summer vacation in Vermont.

    And then the van is repacked, kids and tricycle loaded. Their world backs down the driveway and trundles down the road. When grown children and their families live far away, there's a yo-yo like relationship with their lives. So much intimacy. And then none. 

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: 10 reasons we can be terrible sitters

    Reader alert: This could get ugly.The view from the trenches of our grown children is not always a pretty one. There's a blog out there called findababysitter.org that suggests that some of us should not be called on to babysit. I agree. Not all of us enjoy it–especially if it lasts more than an hour or two. And evidently, the feeling is mutual: Not all parents enjoy having their parents do it, even if the price seems right.

    You can go to the site to read all 10 reasons. Some of them are cheap shots. See reason 2: "Concessions – For a moment’s peace, and the chance to perhaps recharge their pacemaker batteries, your folks are apt to give anything to your child."

    Some are issues we who have grandchildren struggle with all the time. "Discipline – For better or worse, in a lot of ways our ideas about parenting differ from our parents. Your child’s grandparents may not be 100% on board with your own ideas about discipline, and how to raise your child."

    But one really hits home. It's #8 on the list, and it gives one pause: "Privacy – Let’s be honest, some parents would just as soon not have their own parents spending any time in their homes unattended. For whatever reasons – and we don’t pry or judge here – you would prefer to have the neighbor’s daughter babysit instead. At least she just raids the fridge."

    ooooph. Makes me want to re-read my Notes to Self and see the wisdom in keeping good housekeeping hints to ones self.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Parenting Grown Children: Their jobs are high-wire acts that cause us angst as well.

    "I worry all the time about their losing their jobs," a friend writes about her two sons and their wives, all somewhere in their late 30s and early 40s. "They are doing well but the fields they are in could implode any minute."

    The problem: They need two incomes to maintain their lifestyle, and the pressures on them in the modern-day workforce are immense. One daughter-in-law's job expects her to be available 24/7–or night and day as we used to say.  "She's on a 24-hour cycle–emails and text messages all day and night," my friend continues. "On the weekend. if she doesn't answer, she could be fired. If she does, she ruins her weekend." Either way, it puts pressure on the marriage, on child rearing and on my friend's relationship with her DIL.

    Although she wishes there were a way to ease the stress for her grown children, all the understanding in the world doesn't ease the pain when she sees how tense her son's relationship with his wife has become.

    Neither my friend nor I remember this kind of pressure when we were at the heights of our careers. Certainly, texting and 24-hour communication wasn't as readily available. Maybe there would be sniping in the marriage anyway. But the complications of 24/7 jobs seem to make things worse. For them–and by extension–for us.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: Expert advice for the grannie as nannie

     Grandparenting isn't all fun and games, especially when we do more than pop by for an hour's visit. Those of us who help out our grown children with babysitting–from the occasional coverage so the parents can go out for the evening to a regular granny-as-nanny stint–may find our grands acting in less-than-adorable ways.

    There's a post on grannynannies.net that details "10 Common Reasons Grandparents Get Mad at Grandkids." It won't tell your how to deal with the ugliness of tantrums, the maddening unwillingness to go to bed or the frustrating habit of overindulging in video games, but it will bring comfort in knowing you are not alone, that some misbehaviors are universal. The 10 common reasons are not appalling-equal, but even the lesser of them can sure can tick off some grandparents. Number one in that category is probably the failure to say thank you for gifts or better yet, send a thank you note. Maybe it's a generational thing, but based on advice columns in the newspapers, it's one that gets a lot of granny and grampy goats.

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Emerging Adults: The guest room, the bedroom and your daughter’s boyfriend

    Times have changed; social mores too. But there still remains this issue: Your grown child comes home for the holidays (or just for a weekend visit) with a friend–as in boyfriend or girlfriend. They are a couple. At least they are in their eyes. Do you let them pile into your child's old bedroom together or do you provide separate sleeping quarters?

    For parents of college-age children it may be a bigger issue than for those with older, single children. But not necessarily. I've read some "Ask Amy" letters where grandparents don't want their grandchildren "shacking up" with their lovers under their roof–even when the grandchild in question is in her 30s.  That said, the younger the child, the trickier the issue–even though we all assume that in this day and age, our adult children are sleeping with someone they consider a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's mainly a question of what goes on under your roof and what you find morally objectionable.

    A mother posed the bedroom question to Social Q's. Her daughter, a freshman in college, was coming home for a visit with her first boyfriend. The home did not have a guest room–or any spare room. "I'm thrilled she wants to visit (and bring him)," the single mother writes, "but I don't know what the sleeping arrangements should be. Should I put him on the [living room] couch, or look the other way and let him stay with her?"

    When my children were that age, I had the luxury of a guest room. I suggested luggage and other accouterments be dumped in that room, closed my door and paid no attention to final sleeping arrangements. Nor did I offer any suggestions as to my preferences. But this mother had a space problem. And Philip Galanes, who writes the Social Q's column for the New York Times, came up with his usual brilliant answer. I offer it to those who are struggling with this age-old problem:

    "Once the baby birds have flown the coop, there are only two ways to lure them back: by making their visits congenial or by canceling their MasterCards. Opt for the former, Mother Dear.

    "It doesn’t sound as if you have a moral objection to lodging the lovebirds together. If you do, simply disregard the balance of this answer and make up the living room sofa. Eighteen-year-old backs can handle much worse.

    "But if it’s propriety you’re concerned about (or parental duty), you’ll fare better by phoning your daughter than gnashing your teeth with me. Say: “Honey, I’m trying to work out where Tom should sleep. What would make you most comfortable?”

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Emerging Adults: They get by with a little help from us

    Yet another confirmation of what many of us know: We are the generation that offers our grown children financial help. Pew Research Center's latest poll finds that one in 10 American adults receive money or financial assistance from their parents or other family members. The bulk of those receiving help are emerging adults–men and women in the 18 to 24 year old range. It falls off from there but doesn't stop–some of us are still getting help from our parents. 

    I'll let this Pew Research Center chart, courtesy of the New York Times, say it all:

    Based on telephone interviews conducted Dec. 6 to 19, 2011, with a nationally representative sample of 2,048 adults ages 18 and older.
    Based on telephone interviews conducted Dec. 6 to 19, 2011, with a nationally representative sample of 2,048 adults ages 18 and older.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Re-Nesting: Boomerang kids like living with us. A poll tells all.

    They're back. And they like the living conditions. According to a recent Pew Research Center poll,  68% of young adults ages 18 to 34 who are living with their parents or have moved back in temporarily because of economic conditions say they are very satisfied with their family life. (Roughly a similar proportion–73%–who are not living with their parents are equally satisfied.). Similarly, 44% of young adults who live with their parents say they are very satisfied with their present housing situation, while 49% who live on their own say the same.

    The Pew survey had more to say about the circumstances of young adults (18 to 34 years old) who've come home to re-nest. They are less likely than their counterparts who are living on their own to say they have enough money to live the kind of life they want. It's 21% of those living at home who say they have enough money now; 38%  of those who are not living with their parents.

    Not only are they satisfied, they're looking to the future with optimism. Says the Pew poll: "Living with mom and dad hasn’t dampened the economic optimism of these young adults. Overall, young adults are much more optimistic than middle-aged and older adults about their financial future, in spite of the tough economic times and difficult labor market they are facing."

    As for 'We the Parents', the poll finds we're just as satisfied with our family life and housing situation as are those parents whose adult children have not moved back home. The kids, they're pretty satisfied with their relationship with us. Here's the 'loving relationship' breakdown in chart form.

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparenting: Tips from a nanny on how to amuse the Grands

    Spring break is here. Summer is a comin'. Many of us will be seeing more of our Grands–and for longer stretches of time as our grown children take a weekend off or need coverage when school is out. Heather Smith, a former nanny (see note below), has written a guest post to share five tips on keeping the grandkids occupied and amused. Most of them are probably things you already do with your Grands; but one or two may be something you hadn't thought of. Her bottom line is simple: "Don’t worry about keeping them entertained," she writes. "As technology-obsessed as they may seem, they’re still kids and they’ll enjoy all the same things you did growing up." Here are her tips:

    1. Play games: Even though kids seem to be completely encompassed in video games these days you’d probably be surprised how much they would enjoy playing board games or card games. Teach them how to play some of your favorite card games, or play games that everyone can join in on like Monopoly or Scrabble.

    2. Bake together: Little kids love to “play” in the kitchen, so baking together is the perfect time to let them test out their culinary skills. They’ll have fun mixing all of the ingredients together and you’ll have a chance to pass onto them some family-favorite recipes. Then when they’re older and have their own grandkids they can pass it on to them, and thus a tradition will be born.

    3. Visit a petting zoo: This one is almost always a guaranteed hit with the grandchildren. Not only will you be able to get outside and enjoy the outdoors but they’ll get to play with all sorts of animals. It’s the perfect way to spend a sunny afternoon together.

    4.  Look through old pictures: You may think that they have no interest in learning about the past, but you’d be wrong. Little kids will have a blast looking through all your old pictures and hearing you tell stories to accompany them. Sure they make think your clothes were weird, but they’ll also look back fondly on those memories.

    5. Go shopping: Let’s be honest, grandparents love to spoil their grandkids. Having them come for a visit is the perfect time to indulge in some quality time with them and spoil them with love and affection… and a few new toys! Then you can keep the toys at your house so they always have something to play with when they come over.

     Author Bio: Heather Smith is an ex-nanny who regularly contributes to various social media and parenting blogs/websites and to nanny service. She can be reached at H.smith7295@gmail.com.