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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    The Pain of Parting: A grown child will be living abroad for a year. Again.

    Three years ago, Alpha daughter moved to Berlin for a year, taking with her my Grand, my son-in-law and my grandpup. We visited, we Skyped, we emailed. There was all the excitement of new experiences. Time went by. She moved back. We made it through.The dog did too, narrowly.

    But now she's packing her bags, leasing her house, inoculating the dog and heading for another year in Berlin. Where there was the first-time sense of adventure, that's missing this time. This time I know too much. Which is to say, I don't remember time flying by so much as I remember how much I missed her and her family–and the sympathetic warmth of her voice.

    We may not live through our grown children but what they do can give a little extra edge to our lives–from the kudos they win at their jobs to the triumphs their children achieve in math class. The second year abroad is a positive for her career, so we should be thrilled–again–about the move. And yes, we'll go visit  and use the trips as a jumping off place to see more of the world. Maybe go bicycling in Portugal or hiking in Turkey. We'll brush up on our minimal German. Tschüs (bye bye) will be in our working vocabulary again. We'll bring our laptops and work side by side in a cafe with our daughter and feel for a few days that we also live in Berlin. It is, after all, an exciting city with energy coming up out of its sidewalks and streets. And when we come for a visit, we can be helpful in bringing our relocated family those things that it's hard or very expensive to buy in Berlin–middle-school novels written in English; Mexican-style hot sauces.

    All true, but as the parent of the grown child, I'd prefer not to have a repeat performance. Not that I have a choice, but I'd rather have her family close enough so that when I get that overwhelming longing to see her, I can hop a short flight and be there, without a change of six time zones.  

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    Parenting Grown Children: "The Way We Were" isn't necessarily the way they want to be.
    Visiting Grown Children: What are the good-guest rules when you don't feel well?
    Berlin / Zitadelle / Dead Can Dance
    In Berlin, Michelle Obama, daughters visit Holocaust memorial

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters:Our grown kids’ financial struggles are tougher than ours were at their age.

     Our generation may be "overinvested in our children." That's the reason financial planner (and consumer advocate), Eleanor Blayney, gives as why some of us have let ourselves slip into debt–despite carefully saving for retirement.

    There is, of course, the job market problem–an issue for those coming out of college in the past few years. Now that they are grads, we may help them with rent, put them up rent free at our place and otherwise offer a helping hand until they find their footing. It can become a problem when the costs go beyond our vacation funds and tap into out retirement kitty.

    But the issue is wider than that. Even their older brothers and sisters who entered the job market at a more generous time are struggling with financial disadvantages. According to a March study from the Urban Institute, they have considerably less wealth than we did at the same stage of
    life: They bought homes at the height of the bubble–the market's peak–and are now stuck dealing with the decline in home prices; they also
    put less money down (unless we helped with that 'little' investment), making it more likely that they have negative home
    equity. The UI study also reports that younger workers have tended to marry at a lower rate, have
    lower incomes than their parents, pay much higher costs for health
    insurance, and are more likely to be carrying college debt.

    No wonder many of us rush to "invest" in them, to try and even out the balance and keep them heading in the direction of a lifestyle that al least nears the equal of ours. If that sounds frivolous–or keep-up-with-the-Joneses–it is nonetheless at the heart of a worry many of us have. A friend remembers her daughter's post-graduate apartment in a run-down (low-rent) section of a city in California. It was in a dreary neighborhood in a one-room apartment that had hooks on a wall for a closet, an entryway covered with planks (to keep you from falling into a hole) and space for little more than a bed and night table that doubled as the table where she ate her meals. "It made me want to weep," my friend tells me. "How could her father and I live in such comparative luxury and let our child live in such reduced conditions. I wanted to write her a check right then and there and demand she find a better place to live."

    Most of us resist (as did my friend) and let our kids build character and work their way through the "tough" times. That is, we do that unless we feel the safety of our child is compromised. And then we invest, whether we have to tap our 401k account or not. It is one thing to say–as friends without children do–that children should stand on their own two feet, that we do them no favor by sheltering them from reality. No one helped them out when they were our kids' age.

    And yet, times have changed. the burdens are blurred–and heavy. We don't want to spoil them–whatever that means–or enable destructive habits. And that remains a basic tenet in whether or not to help support a grown child. But beyond that, for many of us, the investment seems both necessary and worthwhile.

     

    Related articles

    Lackluster job market drives thousands of young adults back home to live with parents
    Young adults really do have it tougher
    Money Matters: Not so easy to cut the lifeline of support
    Money Matters: Retire? Not as long as we feel our grown kids need our help
    Half of Adult Children Think Parents Made No Money Mistakes
    Emerging Adults: When is it time to cut the cord on financial support?
    Money Matters: There's still a positive ROI in a kid's college education

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Parenting Grown Children: Keeping your thoughts bouyant even when they’re not

     

    There's that old phrase: "We're only as happy as our unhappiest child." And it's true. We often feel down when there is a bump of trouble in one of our children's lives. We also feel less than upbeat when things are going not quite well in our lives–from job-related woes to health stress.

    What am I getting at? We want to be honest with our kids about the big issues in life–not everything is a joy and a smiley face–but we don't want to visit on them our everyday anxieties or woes–or the over-reaction to theirs. The telephone can be a dead give-away. My kids have me at 'hello' when they are feeling troubled. I assume they can read my voice as well. So, I was struck by a recent blog by happiness guru Gretchen Rubin that talked about comfort foods of the mind–little ways to turn our bleak thoughts around and keep us from being negative when we talk to our grown kids.

    On her list of "comfort food"
    for your mind–ways to pull your mind away from worries onto positive topics:

    Watch a movie — and not an upsetting one — or a favorite TV show.

    Read or re-read a favorite book (preferably an upbeat one). Rubin prefers children's literature. My pick: anything Jane Austen but especially Pride and Prejudice for its humor and the wonderful fairytale like ending.

    Find
    an activity that gives you exercise, gets you outside, or brings you in
    contact with other people. Taking a walk alone is not necessarily a good idea. It can lead to brooding unless you've got something upbeat on your iPod.]

    Got any other ideas?

    Related articles

    Visiting Grown Children: What are the good-guest rules when you don't feel well?
    Giving Yourself a Boost
    Happiness Project Update 27: I Fell Off the Wagon … But I Found Refuge

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Emerging Adults: What does it take for employers to want to hire our college grads?

    These are the hours–or years–of our discontent. It remains difficult for our recent college graduates to get their foot in the door of a career job. They are far from oblivious to the challenges. There is fear and trembling amongst them. A friend tells me her son  wouldn't write his resume–and when finally forced to do so (on pain of some penalty or other) came up with a lame version–a piece of work that was not adjusted to the real world of full time work. He actually had no clue. The dad was traveling and the mom had been out of the work force for 20 years.

    What employers in the real world are looking for–what the resume and personal interview need to show–are part of what's discussed in a New York Times Economix piece. It's must reading for parents of recent college grads–for insights into what the problem might be in terms of getting employers interested in hiring their talented, smart and well-above-average son or daughter.

    If you don't want to wade through the whole story, here are the main highlights:

    –There’s always been a gap between what colleges produce and what
    employers want, but it isn’t necessarily specific technical skills that are lacking.

    –he skills most needed by employers and the skills most lacking among job candidates
    are written and oral communication skills, adaptability
    and managing multiple priorities, and making decisions and problem
    solving. 

     –Young employees are very good at finding information, but not as good
    at putting that information into context. They’re
    really good at technology, but not at how to take those skills and
    resolve specific business problems.

    –In the U.S. and in other countries, there are problems among new employees with collaboration,
    interpersonal skills, the ability to deal with ambiguity, flexibility
    and professionalism.

    –Most recent college graduates expect
    employers to provide on-the-ground training, but most of them don’t
    actually receive it.

     

    Related articles

    Paying for College: Congrats on graduation. Now here's an update on whether the degree is worth it.
    Money Matters: Caught in the web of generosity guilt
    Recent college grads face 36% 'mal-employment' rate
    What do employers really want from college grads?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Slicing and dicing the financial legacy for your grown children

    Where is it written that, when we write our Wills and split our estate into legacies, each of our grown children has to be treated equally? That is, the worldly goods have to cut down the middle if there are two children, into equal thirds if there are three–on down to fourths and fifths or more.

    There are lots of reasons why we might not want to divvy things up evenly–reasons beyond dis-inheriting a badly behaved child. A friend, recently divorced, has three children–two daughters, one son. She wants to leave the bulk of her considerable estate [the divorce agreement left her very comfortable financially] to her daughters. The reason is simple: The son has hit it rich in a business he runs with his father. He has no need for a share in his mother's estate. The daughters are both struggling financially–one in a low-paying but rewarding job; the other as a stay-at-home mom with four children and a husband who, says Will-Writing Mama, will never earn a lot of money, at least not by the standards of the family.

    Her mind is made up, and she had a plan to explain it to her son–later, in a letter that would accompany the Will and be read when she passes on.That's when her estate lawyer gave her a solid piece of advice: Give her son a heads up in advance. She's working on it–by writing a letter he can read now that explains it all and makes clear that this has only to do with his financial success and nothing to do with the son's partnership with his father.

    That's one way to handle the decision to disperse unevenly. In answer to a similar issue in Social Qs, Philip Galanes suggested the legacy-leaving parents have a heart to heart talk with the child whose financial success is so much more secure that her sibling's. "Talk with her privately," Galanes suggests, "and say: 'We always
    imagined leaving our money to you and Bobby 50-50. We love you both. But
    you’ve become so successful, and Bobby really needs our help. How would
    you feel if we left him a bigger piece of the pie?'
    Then listen." It's the dialogue you open that counts, Galanes says. And he adds one additional point to make to Super-Successful Child: "Be clear that if anyone’s
    circumstances change, your estate plan will, too."

    Solid advice. The money in our estate is ours to disburse as we see fit, but we don't want the sharing of our wealth to create ill feelings between siblings–or a grudge against a demised us. The reality is that one child may not need the money where the other does, but being unprepared to be read out of a
    Will can lead to unintended and unhappy consequences. Besides, as Galanes put it, "the sanest people can go bonkers where cash is concerned."

    Related articles

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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Parenting Grown Children: Letting their success stand for itself

    Friends are visiting. We haven't seen them in years. The two husbands grew up in the same New York neighborhood. We wives became friends as young marrieds. Then they moved north to Vermont; we moved south and we would see them once a year when we headed for the Green Mountains for a summer vacation. Those annual two-family dinners and picnics became a marker of sorts–of how our children were growing up. We started when our kids were still in preschool and continued into the college years. It was a limited, once-a-year history, but a tracking of passages in the life of our families.

    So it isn't surprising that on this visit we are talking about our kids and reveling in how all four of them–their two and our two–have turned out to be independent and productive. It's not a matter of bragging rights–it's more a catching up with some of the details on what our children have accomplished and are doing.

    Our friends are very proud of their children–with good reason. Like our children, neither of their two daughters live close to home.
    One of them is currently living as far away as Madagascar. So it comes as something of a surprise when the mom tells me, with a little laugh, how when one of her daughters comes to visit mom and dad in the old homestead they hang out and occasionally, my friend suggests something–a little something about her daughter's clothes or hairdo or her children's play-together habits. Just a wee critique that slips out in the course of a long day. That's when, my friends tells me, her daughter tells her: "Mom, I run a household. I have two kids. I'm working. I'm an adult now. Back off."

    She says it in a nice way, my friend tells me. And she tells me this story by way of saying how good she feels about having an independent and resourceful child. Isn't that what it's all about? Isn't that the message we want to convey to them–even if we slip from time to time and forget to "back off."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Parenting Adult Children: When their romantic relationship is not who we want

    This is an addenda to my post a few months ago, "Backing off when we don't like their choice of romantic partner." We don't always understand why our grown children choose the love interest they bring home for us to meet. Somehow, the new love doesn't measure up to our vision of who would be a good match for them.

    It isn't easy to come to terms with a person–a possible son- or daughter-in-law–who seems, well, less educated or less sophisticated or just not as classy or too old or too young as you had hoped. Sometimes, we don't even wait to meet them–we don't like them based on description alone.

    That was the case in the Social Q's (Philip Galanes, New York Times) answer to a woman worried about her 23-year-old graduate-student son's relationship with a 28 year old woman he met at school. Not only has the mom not met the woman her son is bringing home for a weekend visit, she has received a request from him that she dish out vegan foods (quinioa, seitan and tempeh) for himself and his guest–he no longer eats meat, fish or fowl and neither does his guest. After Galanes tells the mom how to deal with the challenge of the cooking request ("Reply to your son, "When you get home, we'll go shopping for groceries together."), he addresses her real concern: that her son "is living the louche life with an old cougar when he should be holed up in the library."

    "Let me be clear Mama Bear," he advises. "You have nothing to gain, and everything to lose, in going to war with them…. Time will tell whether this gal is a distraction or enhancement to your son's academic career…. In the meantime, try to be happy for him and his falling cholesterol levels."

    And there's the hitch for all of us–trying to be happy when we think we see an unwise relationship in the bud. But we can't nip it. It's their life now. The control button is no longer at our fingertips. Unless we see signs of abuse, all we can do is swallow hard, smile and hope nature takes the best course.

    Related articles

    Philip Galanes Answers Your Wedding Etiquette Questions
    Parenting Grown Children: "The Way We Were" isn't necessarily the way they want to be.
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  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Not so easy to cut the lifeline of support

    We've brought up our children to be independent. And many of them have grown up to be just that. Certainly, my friends Pam and Don have two such children. One of them–a daughter–lives in apartment near them. She's married with two small children. Pam and Don play an active part in their daughter's family life–picking the kids up from pre-school two days a week; babysitting on Friday evenings so the young parents can enjoy a date night. That's the kind of support they've been giving since the grandkids were born.

    For the past year, though, support has turned financial as well. Their son-in-law lost his job last year; then their daughter did. Neither held high-paying positions but they were able to make ends meet on the two salaries. Though they are out of work, rent has to paid, food has to be purchased, the pre-schoolers need to be clothed and fed. Pam and Don have stepped up. Don had been a successful businessman and though he is now retired, there is a hefty nest egg in place. They can afford to use some of it to help their daughter and her family. Better now, they reason, then later when their daughter might have no need of a financial legacy.

    They sat down with their daughter and son-in-law, figured out what they needed financially to get by on a no-frills budget, and Pam and Don started supporting them. "These are decent kids. They haven't done anything wrong," Don says.
    "They've worked hard, applied themselves. But they got hit by this
    downturn."

    Both young parents have been job hunting for
    more than a year now and looking into entrepreneurial opportunities. But as the weeks and months tick by, Pam and Don
    are wondering when the joblessness will end, how much longer they can afford to do
    this and what they will do if it gets to the point where the drain on
    their resources will mean a change in their life style and a real threat to their financial well-being.

    These are close friends, and we've gnawed over "the situation" with them and wondered what we would do in their place. They are, of course, fortunate that they can afford to help out right now and probably for another year. But should they suggest their daughter and family move into their home–the daughter's old room is still available as is the guest room/home office. Should they insist that their son-in-law, who spends his day on various aspects of job hunting, take a Starbucks-McDonald's type job just to bring in some cash. Or that their daughter do the same. Pam can't imagine what some of these choices would do to their relationship–the too-closeness of living together; the feeling that they were asking their daughter and SIL to throw in the towel on their future careers. "People talk about tough love," Pam says. "That may be something that applies when your kids are coming out of college, but when they've got a family and they're trying as hard as they can–well, it's different."

    "The groping accident of life" Thomas Wolfe called it. There's so much risk out there–unexpected incidents that happen despite our best intentions and careful precautions. When our grown children are groping along the detritus of an accident, shouldn't we be there for them? Financial counselors will advise you, Don't pauperize yourself helping out your grown children. But sometimes they aren't the only ones in the accident.

     

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    Money Matters: Retire? Not as long as we feel our grown kids need our help

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Visiting Grown Children: What are the good-guest rules when you don’t feel well?

    The first morning of our weekend visit to Uber Son and family, we got up early: Soccer, soccer, soccer was the all-day plan. Paterfamilias was off to the four-game tournament the oldest Grand was playing in. PF was over-the-top excited about watching his grandson on the soccer pitch. All day: Couldn't be a better plan. This is why he wanted to come for a visit.

    I tagged along with my daughter-in-law to watch the youngest grand–she just turned five–at her game. Magnet ball is more like it as all those wee people scrum around the ball, their tiny legs jutting out to try to kick the ball. This was a 9 a.m. game; five-year-olds aren't asked to remain on the pitch for very long. We were back at the house within an hour. But all of a sudden I felt light-headed and nauseated. Heat sick? But it was only 10:00.

    So I crept to my room–the guest room–plopped down on the bed and waiting for it to pass. When I came back downstairs, preparations were being made to get everyone into the van and join 'the guys' in time to see the third and fourth game of the soccer tournament–in 95 degree weather. Yes, it was a hot summery weekend. I apologized for disappearing –especially since a lunch had to be packed, small soccer players needed help removing shin guards, umbrellas and chairs needed to be stowed in the car and other preparations made. Of course, my DIL was on top of things and getting it all done. But one feels an explanation is needed for not being there to help. I told her I had needed a lie-down. She looked concerned but we agreed that, as she put it, I was feeling 'off.'

    What do you do when you're feeling 'off' when you're visiting your grown children? You don't want to disrupt the carefully planned day or miss seeing what you came to see–or cause your children to worry about you or spread your germs should the "off" be something more unpleasant. You're there to help not be helped. So, I soldiered on 'cheerfully' through the soccer games and kept the feeling lousy feeling to myself.

    But then we're back at the house and I am not doing my usual helping out–I am letting my DIL and Uber son cook dinner without so much as a helping hand from me. It feels downright strange to sit there and not bustle around–if not helping in the kitchen or folding laundry then reading to a Grand or doing something else with one or all of the Grands.

    Behind it all was this question: How to be polite and loving but cut the visit short and go home? The fear of being a burden is just below the surface–even though I was hardly feeling really ill. I just longed for my own home and own bed–to pull the covers up and sleep off whatever bug was bugging me. 

    What is it that compels some of us to mount a drive to get away–away from letting our grown children or Grands see us as ill or infirm or even just mildly 'off?' PF and I have been fortunate–to be physically well and able to go bicycle riding with our grown children and our grands, to kick the soccer ball with them and go on hikes–to say nothing of being part of a family touch-football game. Feeling Off reminds me of how lucky I am but how lousy I feel at this moment about being there. Have I put too much in store in my persona as a can-do parent and grandparent. Am i too busy hiding vulnerabilities to enjoy the togetherness just because I feel off? 

    When we finally got home–we did leave early; thunderstorms were predicted for later in the day and the thought of canceled flights tipped me over to an earlier flight–my DIL texted me to see if I was feeling better. I wasn't. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her so. Off is off, but even from a distance, one can't press the burden button–or rather, the fear of being a burden. Why is that?

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Paying for College: Congrats on graduation. Now here’s an update on whether the degree is worth it.

    The assumption has always been that a college education is the ticket to a good job–a career that will lead to financial independence and middle or upper middle class solidity. Then came 2008 and the great Recession. Kids who graduated from college since then have struggled to gain a foothold in career jobs. Friends whose kids have been entering or trying to enter the workforce since 2008 –well, those kids bear the marks of trauma. They are saving their money more carefully. They are not as free spirited, not as blithe about taking a post-grad year or two off to be a ski bum or bar tend their way across the country as a lark. A serious job outlook calls for a serious mien.

    Today, only 45 percent of young Americans in that age group have a job,
    almost 6 percentage points less than when the recession started in
    December 2007. This trauma has raised the question about whether college–which can cost upwards of $200,000–is worth it. Is it worth it for our kids to take out loans to finance an education or for us to invest our savings–or income–in paying for four years of college? Some studies during the Great Recession and the slow-as-molasses recovery suggested it was a close call. But now there's this.

    Writing on the New York TImes' online Economix, Catherine Rampell notes that "despite all the questions about whether college is worth it or not,
    college graduates have gotten through the recession and lackluster
    recovery with remarkable resilience."

    The unemployment rate for college graduates in April was 3.9
    percent, compared to 7.5 percent for everyone else. Moreover, among all
    segments of workers and their educational attainment, college graduates
    are the only group that has more people employed today than when the
    recession started.

    Here’s the graph the TImes ran to show how employment has changed.

    Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics, via Haver Analytics. Data refer to workers age 25 and older. Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics, via Haver Analytics. Data refer to workers age 25 and older.

    And here's another chart that shows that the number of college-educated workers with jobs has risen by 9.1
    percent since the beginning of the recession. Meanwhile, those with a high school
    diploma and no further education are the near mirror image, with
    employment down 9 percent on net.

    Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics, via Haver Analytics. Data refer to workers age 25 and older. Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics, via Haver Analytics. Data refer to workers age 25 and older.

    "In other words," Rampell writes, "college-educated workers have gobbled up all of the
    net job gains. In fact there are now more employed college graduates
    than there are employed high school graduates and high school dropouts put together." Even young college graduates are finding
    jobs.

    So congratulations to all you college grads out there–my nephew among them. (Yay Ray!)                 
    For them and their parents, it's a brighter picture out there than it was a year or two ago. It was worth the time and effort–and money it took to get that degree. So props to you and an old fashioned pat on the back, too. Now, can you pick up the tab for dinner?

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    Re-Nesting: Our grown kids can make their fortune by moving back in with us.
    Emerging Adults: What, me worry? All about a college grad who lacks ambition, to say nothing of a job.
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    News Flash – Unemployment and underemployment rate among college graduates shows the problem isn't lack of skills
    Economix Blog: Life Is O.K., if You Went to College
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