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So your adult kids are now young parents. Babies are gurgling; toddlers are beginning to walk, drunken sailor style. Pre-schoolers are making friends and picking up reading basics. For us as grandparents, this is such an exciting and joyful time. For some of us, though, it is tempered by our concerns that our kids’ parenting skills are not what we’d like them to be. They aren’t doing things quite the right way–or at least, not how we did them. Is it surprising, then, that when we offer our advice on a better way to, say, organize the grandkid’s toys or make sure the kiddies have cleaned their plates that our adult kids take affront. Joyful and exciting are replaced by tension and fighting.

Evidently, it happens often enough that Perri Klass, a pediatrician and a grandmother, has written a column on the point, “5 Common Mistakes Grandparents Make.” Even for those of us “not guilty” of any (or maybe just one) of the Five, the column serves as a gentle guide and reminder of how best to share our well-earned wisdom with our grown children, no matter the topic.

Here’s a summary of the Five Big Ones on Klass’s list:

• Recognize that parenting patterns change with time. What was reckless for one generation may be conservative for the next one. Or vice versa. We may see the offer of cookies as a snack as a grandparenting indulgence while the parents may see it as a flouting of sugar-rules that are important to them.
• Don’t blame your child’s partner. If you disagree with steps the parents are taking, remember the parents are a unit and that your adult child is one-half of that unit. If you have a suggestion to make, don’t go behind anyone’s back.
• Don’t assume it’s the parent’s fault if a grandchild is struggling. “This is not the time to say “I told you so” or to point out that things in the home have been too disorganized or too strictly organized.” Our role is to be part of a support system.
• Discuss important health issues with respect. You may disagree with the parent choice about immunizations or other important health-care steps. “These can be very hard conversations — in the home as well as in the pediatric exam room — and you have to try to stay respectful, be clear that you’re speaking out of love and concern, make your case, leave the question open if necessary and return to it — and don’t let it dominate the relationship.”
• Don’t weigh in with advice too often. Pick your battles carefully and, for the most part, wait to be asked for advice. “There may turn out to be issues along the way, but choose those topics carefully — and pick your words with even more care.

painting: Pierre Bonnard, The Conversation