PenPenWrites

Let’s call this a variation of the King Lear dilemma. How do we divide our estate so that all our children are treated fairly, particularly if there are reasons not to split everything evenly.

• If we have two sons and one is killing it as a venture capitalist and the other is doing good work for an underfunded advocacy group, it may seem fair to leave more to the “non-profit” son than the venture capitalist.
• Or, one child may be more attentive to the parents than the other. That is, one child may have neglected his aging parents for years while the other has shown up for weekly dinners, come by to watch a movie together or been there to help with doctor visits.
• In this somewhat privileged world of ours, there can be other wrinkles. A dad wrote Philip Galanes at Social Qs about his three sons. Two stand to inherit sizeable amounts from their well-off mom–the dad’s divorced wife–but the third son has a different mother who is not well off. The dad wonders whether he should “even things out” out by leaving a greater portion to the son with the not-wealthy mother. “I want all of them to be comfortable when I’m gone,” the dad writes, “but I worry that my older sons will be hurt if I leave more to my youngest son.”

There is nothing wrong in dividing an estate unevenly (even if Lear botched it). The problem is that money talks and it can whisper “favoritism.” We may not be here to witness the trauma but at least one of our kids may come away feeling that the way we parceled out our treasures is a reflection of parental love.

If we want to go the “uneven” route, there is a simple measure we can take to make sure that when we’re no longer here, our kids feel we loved them equally. In the case of the several-mother situation, well, there’s is an additional consideration.

Let’s start with the all-purpose general advice and then let Galanes chime in on the specific.

• One Size Fits All: No where is it written that the details in our will or the division of our estate must be kept secret–except in movies where the surprise of disinheritence or the leaving of a fortune to a beloved housekeeper is the melodramatic turning point in a story. (These scenes invariably take place in a lawyer’s office. Does that even happen anymore?). This is a long way of saying, we should talk to our kids about our estate plan while we’re still available to explain our reasons and to make adjustments.
• Stay Focused: In the case of the sons with different mothers, Galanes points out, “for better or worse — and probably for better — you are not creating an estate plan with your ex-wife. And while you believe that she is “financially comfortable” now, that may change depending on her health and other circumstances as she ages. (The same can be said of you.) I suggest focusing on what you actually control here: namely, your own finances.”

painting: Ferryman by Ivan Canu