PenPenWrites

We walk into our kid’s apartment and, yuck, there’s cat hair covering the sofa, dustballs in the bathroom and greasy fingerprints all over the refrigerator. Are we within our “rights” –are we exercising “good judgment”–so say something. Or, if not say something, do something like ask if we can treat them to a deep clean?

To judge by reader responses to this point in a Carolyn Hax column, this is another “Keep your mouth shut” area. It’s as charged as comments on an adult child’s weight, hairstyle or the way they dress.

The mom in Hax’s column was concerned that her daughter’s messy apartment was not just a matter of poor housekeeping but a health threat. Would it be okay, the mom asks, to offer a one-time clean-up service?

Here’s what Hax and others had to say about the urge to butt in.

HAX:

• Yeah, I see no role for you here. Anything can be a “health issue at some point” — including excessive cleanliness — so it’s not a magic portal into her business.

READERS:

• The desire to not be judged for petty housekeeping stuff is the No. 1 reason I dread my neat-freak mother-in-law’s visits. If you want your daughter to want you to visit, then keep your yap shut.
• My mom’s addendum to the “keep your mouth shut” advice is “and your wallet open.” Obviously this is only if you are financially secure enough, but I think a one-time, “You work so hard. I would love to help. If you want to book a cleaning service once a month, I’d be happy to cover it,” would be okay. Best delivered if/when she herself shows some frustration.
• My daughter was thrilled when I offered to pay for housekeeping. I waited until she brought it up by apologizing for how dirty her apartment was — but once she opened that door, I told her that I understood how busy she was, how hard keeping up must be and offered to pay for a one-time service. She accepted. Twenty years later, she has a busy job and two kids, so I still offer to pay for a housekeeper once in a while. It’s what she requests for Christmas.

HAX:

• And no to the cleaning-service offer. There’s only one context in which it’s not judgy, and that’s when there’s a life-event connection. New home (housewarming gift), new child, surgery, huge project, etc. Or, of course, if she complains about having to clean.

Painting: Frank Auerbach