A few posts ago, I wrote about a young woman who found her mother-in-law "too nice." The issue, as Carolyn Hax pointed out in her column, was whether the 'niceness" was a cover for manipulative, over-protective and intrusive behavior. Helicoptering carried to its highest level: an inability to let go.
Hax, in her column-writing wisdom, suggested the young woman read Gavin De Becker's The Gift of Fear–to better understand her mother-in-law and deal with the manipulation problem.
Don't know if the daughter-in-law read it, but I did–not to fend off a persistently meddlesome parent but to see if I saw myself in De Becker's descriptions of the controlling parent, sibling, or in-law who can't let go.
Of course I did not find myself there. Who would connect with the difficult –almost "call the cops"–personalities De Becker describes in his chapter, "Persistence, Persistence." That said, based on his chapter, here are some of the warning signs of overly-persistant personalities who can't take lift their finger off the control button.
–refusing to hear 'no'–that is, perceiving "maybe" as "definitely."
–projecting onto others committments that were not expressed and are not present–or are unwanted.
–demanding attention. or put another way, refusing to be ignored and using guilt, harrassment or insults to make sure attention is paid.
–insisting on constant communication despite requests to back off.
–exhibiting an extraordinary sense of entitlement
If you ever had to deal with someone like this, De Becker's book can help you figure out a strategy for making the relationship less painful–or at least give you some control over it, which is where Carolyn Hax' was sending her reader.
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