PenPenWrites

Sometimes our relationship with a grown child sours. Maybe it's just going through a bad patch right now; maybe it's part of a general downward spiral. There are always reasons for a deterioration. Some of them may stem from–or be exacerbated by–things you say or do that you may not realize are toxic. Here's a checklist of seven such hot buttons–complied by Dr. Joshua Coleman. He calls them "recommendations to
decrease conflict and increase closeness with your adult child."

· Don't criticize their choice in romantic partners. You have
raised your adult child to be independent, so don't assume that you know
better about who they should be with.

· Don't criticize their parenting. Yes, you may have years of
experience, but most people like to learn on their own and resent
intrusions from the outside, especially from parents.

· Don't criticize their sexuality. This should go without
saying, but we don't choose our sexuality, our sexuality chooses us.
Criticizing something about your child that is part of his or her
make-up is a guaranteed recipe for alienation.

· Don't guilt trip about their lack of involvement with you.
Guilt increases distance and resentment.

· If you're going to say no to a request for money or some other
form of support, do it with affection and not as a complaint or
criticism.

· Take responsibility for mistakes you've made in the past.

· If your adult child has cut off contact, don't respond with
retaliation. Work to understand why your child feels the way that he or
she does. Assume that there are separate realities in every family and
that your adult child has a legitimate perspective, even if it isn't
obvious to you. Get a lot of support for the inevitable feelings of
hurt, anger, guilt, or shame evoked by the alienation from your adult
child.