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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Insights from Experts and Others: Getting Beyond the Empty Nest

    Here’s a light but trenchant observation by Nora Ephron on the adjustment to the post-college era, when the kids finally move out and are on their own–or trying to be. [Paragraphing is Ephron’s.]

    “But eventally college ends, and they’re gone for good.

    The nest is actually empty.

    You’re still a parent, but your parenting days are over.

    Now what?

    There must be something you can do.

    But there isn’t.

    There is nothing you can do.

    Trust me.

    If you find yourself nostalgic for the ongoing, day-to-day activities required of a modern parent, there’s a solution: Get a dog.”

    Nora Ephron, “I Feel Bad About My Neck”

    I’ve filed this one under one of my Notes to Self: Keep Up Your Own Interests

    .

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Real Life: Looking for a Balanced Relationship

    I started to make a list of tools to use to find the road to a healthy relationship with my grown children–Notes to Self. The first iteration ran to things like, keep your mouth shut, walk on eggshells, wait to be asked for advice. And then it struck me, those were rules for keeping the peace and not much more. They reminded me of a Dorothy Parker poem, The Lady’s Reward.

    Parker starts off with some genteel advice to a woman who, presumably, hopes to land her man:

    Lady, lady, never start
    Conversation toward your heart;
    Keep your pretty words serene;
    Never murmur what you mean.

    Dorothy goes along in that vein for several verses  until she unleashes her killer ending:

    “And if that makes you happy, kid,
    You’ll be the first it ever did.”

    (see full text here [http://poetry.poetryx.com/poems/4970/)

    Dorothy tapped into the vulnerability of one of the partners in a relationship, and it seems to me that a similar vulnerability lies at the core of the maturing relationship between us, the seasoned (and aging) parents, and our adult children who are in their prime and making their independent way in the world. So how do we have a lively intercourse with our children without intruding on their space?

    I started rethinking what to put in Notes to Self [see left hand column], a list that will grow with time, experience and new insights. I’m not there yet, but here, with a bit of borrowing from Dorothy Parker, is where I hope I’m not.

    Moms, Pops–always give
    Your advice on how to live.
    Be sure to ask if who they’re dating
    Is the one that they’ll be mating.
    Let them know how much the parent knows
    About the cut of hair and clothes.
    And you should surely question why
    They want that bigger piece of pie.
    Always, always be intent
    On whether they can pay their rent.
    Be sure to pierce through bluster-bluff
    To suggest that they’re not good enough.
    If their behavior doesn’t fit the bill
    Threaten to cut them out of your will.
    And any giftie that you bring
    Should always come with a little string.
    It will always be a service
    To bring up that which makes them nervous.
    And if this brings closeness to your kid,
    You’ll be the first it ever did.