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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Too Much Togetherness: Tips on vacationing with grown children

02/22/2009

It's always been a dream of mine, to gather together my two grown children and their children and vacation together. It's an especial longing since uber son and alpha daughter and their families live far from the family manse. But I've pretty much given up on that one–different parenting styles, sibling rivalry and personal habits get in the way. Serial vacationing with overlap–that seems to be the way to go.

We did have some successful trips together when our children were younger adults–with or without significant but not necessarily permanent others. Our best bet: ski trips. Everyone busy at their own level; no need to be attached at the hip.They felt free to go out in the evening without us. And we were too tired to care if they stayed home or not.

Families who've tried more ambitious trips have often found it a rockier road. Here are some excerpts–observations, forewarnings and pointers–from a grown child on her trip to Japan with her retired parents and brother and sister.

On my recent trip to Japan with my
20-something brother and sister and our retired parents, our great
times were tempered with an unexpected amount of tension for five
adults who were no longer a full-time family unit.

While Mom and Dad's idea of a family vacation may not have changed, the kids they were bringing with them sure had.

Many families …fall
into old parent/child roles and reprise arguments they may not have had
in years. While the children have adult relationships with each other,
it's their relationships with Mom and Dad that have yet to mature.

Some Good Pointers:

Mixing money and family can be worse on the
road. Avoid friction by establishing reasonable meal and accommodation
prices in advance. If budgets vary wildly, consider eating or staying
separately from time to time.

To keep things fair,
consider having a `slush fund' for incidentals. Have everyone
contribute the same amount of money to a common pool to be used for
taxis, tips, common needs

Plan
in advance and set everyone's expectations around activities that are
important to you. This will avoid last-minute conflict if there's
difficulty fitting everything in to your itinerary.

Be sure to have activities you want
to do privately, even if it's as simple as reading a book.

Though there were plenty
of tense moments on my family trip to Japan, we never took any pictures
when we weren't all speaking. As a result, we have an album
full of happy photo and positive memories.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Re-Nesting: It’s hard on the grown kids, too

02/22/2009

We all talk about how hard it is on us when the kids move
back home. And it is. The loss of privacy. The noise. The eating habits. The hours they keep. But here's a reminder that it's hard on them, too.

These are words of self-awareness written to give the grown children some perspective:

"The housing market is drawing some families together, but challenges
include lifestyle differences, generational differences, depression,
money squabbles and other issues when relatives huddle together for
economic relief. Moving in with relatives can be demoralizing, humbling,
dehumanizing–even though a growing number of people don’t have a lot of choice. “You lose that sense of independence, privacy and self-esteem,” he says. “You lose somewhat of your identity." [written by Nicholas Aretakis, a career coach and author of
No More Ramen: The 20-Something’s Real World Survival Guide]

Something to remember when those moved-back-home kids are particularly annoying.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: The costs of re-nesting

02/16/2009

We are living through difficult times–kids moving back home not just because they're out of college and haven't figured out what they'll do. It's more serious now: Our grown children are losing their jobs, or we're losing ours. Consolidated households are one answer. On her site, Linda Pogue blogs about some of the hidden costs of having the kids move back home.

Some highlights:
Grocery is the biggest expense increase, followed by water consumption
(more dishes and clothes to wash, more people bathing and flushing
toilets), electric bill increase due to more lights, TVs, computers,
etc., in use, and more paper products–toilet paper and paper towels,
primarily. While none of these expenses, except perhaps groceries, will
increase an exorbitant amount, there will be enough that it can
financially undermine the parents allowing grown children's families to
move into their home.

Check out her blog for observations on how to negotiate the issues, with this in mind: Do it upfront to keep peace in the put-back-together household, especially if grandchildren are part of the bargain. Her advice is written for the adult kids who are moving back in with us. But one key point she makes to these adult children really hits home: "If you do not want your parents
correcting your children, be sure that you do it yourself. Just understand that as long as you are in
their home, they may feel they have the right to correct your children,
especially if you do not."

Amen. It's a lot easier to hold off on the "corrections" when you're only there for a brief visit. It's another when you're all living together. It's an issue that needs to be addressed at our end as well.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Re-Nesting: Moving home–to help us out

02/07/2009

Here's a twist on refilling the empty nest. In these tough economic times, families are piling in together to cut costs, but it isn't always kids moving back to have mom and dad help them out. The kids may move back in to help out with the parent's rent. Here's the recent story:

"Last year, Kanessa Tixe’s dad had just finished building a
three-family house when he lost his superintendent job in February. He
wasn’t sure how to make the $5,000-a-month mortgage on the new house in
Queens, N.Y.

So Tixe and her siblings decided to help out in an unusual way: They
moved in. In December, her father moved into the first floor; her
stepsister and husband moved into the second floor; and her stepbrother
and Tixe took the third floor. The entire family has become roommates,
banding together to pay rent and help their dad with the mortgage until
he finds long-term tenants."

Sign of the times?

Here are the stats to watch: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, In 1915, the average number of people sharing a home, including
parents, offspring, and “extended squatters,” was 4.5. By 2006, that number had shrunk by nearly half to 2.6. By 2010–who can say what that number will be. And how many of us will be inviting our kids home to help out with the overhead.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Helping the kids with their expenses

02/01/2009

Sally is feeling good about how she's handling the helping hand she gives her adult son: She's offered to pay for day care. Her son is in the middle of the struggle years–finished with graduate school but just starting his career; ditto for his wife. Right how, with a one-year-old, costs are suddenly high [day care; bigger apartment] and income not quite what it will be.

Day care is not an inconsiderable expense in the city where her son lives–close to $18,000 a year. Fortunately, Sally can afford it. She's still working and so is her husband and the father of her children. Nonetheless, it's a bite out of their budget, and Sally is proud that she's paying the tab "with no strings attached." That's what she likes about the arrangement: She pays the bill and she doesn't have to concern herself with whether they are doing with the "loan" what you want them to do with it. It's control without actual control.

Or so she thought. One Saturday her daughter-in-law came by with the baby so Sally could babysit while the daughter-in-law ran some errands. No problem. Sally enjoys taking care of the baby. It's her first and he's delightful. When her daughter-in-law got back to the house, she pulled out her shopping bag to show Sally what she'd gotten. A beautiful outfit to wear to a friend's upcoming engagement party. Sally got a glimpse of the price tag and flipped out. It was, she told me later, twice as much as she would ever spend on an outfit. In her mind, here she was shelling out $18,000 a year for day care to help her son's family get through the "struggle" years and here was her daughter-in-law splurging on a high-priced blouse and skirt. Sally resented it.

So the question is whether we can ever cut the string–the tie between gift and spending? Do we have the right to control the money we help our kids with? Andif we do, will they resent it? Will we feel uncomfortable? I come from a family where my widowed mother was generous but there were strong and bounding ties to what I did with her generosity. So personally, I am all for giving the gift and letting it go. Don't look back. Just assume you've helped and move on. But is that reasonable? Should there be guidelines–a blueprint for use; a performance measure of sorts–when we help out our children?
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Can we still help our kids if the 401k melts?

01/25/2009

A friend says she was only joking when she told her grown children she might have to borrow back the money she and their father had "lent" them to pay for college and graduate school.These are friends with a small apartment in New York City and a sizeable vacation spread in Vermont. But came the shock of the bear market and their portfolio has been sliced in half.

It's a scary time for them. They are both retired. They are tightening their belts: cutting off travel plans, eating out less, going to local movies rather than the Broadway shows, laying off the woman who cleans their apartment. But they still have to carry two homes on half a portfolio–and what if one of their grown children loses a job or runs into a financial problem? They've always been there to tide them through, and though they may joke with their children about "repaying" education "loans," what if they do need help with two mortgages–this is not exactly an easy time to unload a house or two.

Are these troubled times going to see a shift: From comfortable parents always there as a safety net to help grown children in case of a fiscal emergency to parents who may have to lean on their adult children to survive.

Her last email to me read, "Let's hope for an uptick in the stock market." It went down another 300 points the next day.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Here’s to You Mrs. Robinson: The things we do for our kids

01/11/2009

"What a sacrifice!" Those were the first words out of my friend Eva's mouth when I brought up the subject of Mrs Robinson–mother of Michelle Obama and mother-in-law of the president-elect. Mrs. Robinson is the one who,famously, made the whole presidential campaign possible by stepping in and overseeing the care and nurturing of her grandchildren while the Obamas set off to bring change to the country.

That wasn't the sacrifice either Eva or I were alluding to. Rather, it was Mrs. Robinson's decision to pull up stakes and move with her daughter and family into a new home in another city.

Those of us the business of parenting grown children who have children know what it's like to be called in to help out. There are health emergencies–grownchildren get sick or the grands do at an inopportune time. Or the grownchildren are scheduled to attend a conference or whatever and they need a loving pair of hands to help out while they're gone. Most of us have been there, done that. Willingly. When that call is to help out and the grownchildren live in cities far from our own, that raises the stakes. I've done it four or five times and each time I find it rewarding, yes; I'm thrilled, frankly, that I'm trusted to help. But it's incredibly lonely, and that's true no matter how loving the Grands are and whether my grownchild or their spouse is around or not.

I've tried to put my finger on why this should be so. Maybe it's the lack of independence. You are at home but it's not your home. You are cut off from the things that are familiar to you–your job, the people who say hello to you, your sense of purpose. Yes, you have another "purpose"–you're there to take care of your grandchildren and help out your grownchildren. That's worthwhile and necessary. And they are always appreciative. But I still have this , as though I can't quite find my footing.

As I understand it from press reports, Mrs. Robinson weighed several factors–possibly some like these. She didn't make the decision to head for the White House–glamorous and exciting though it is–easily. Those of us who've had even a little bit of a toe in her shoes can only admire her decision–and recognize what a sacrifice she's making for her grown child.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Empty Nesting: The honeymoon’s over when the kids come home again

12/26/2008

No less a source than Newsweek is tackling the empty nest syndrome. They start off with this good-news phenomenon:

"Rather than feeling bereft without kids, many couples find themselves swept up in what's commonly known as a second
honeymoon after their kids leave. There's even scientific backing for
the notion that a marriage gets a lift when the kids leave. A
University of California study published in November in the journal
Psychological Science followed 123 middle-aged women for 18 years and
found a strong correlation between empty-nest status and an increase in
how much the women enjoyed spending time with their partners.,"

Ah science! With the economy tanking and adult kids less able to live independently, however, the bliss–well, it could be missed. Here's Newsweek again:

"These extended stays can jolt the marital relationships of
couples that have settled into happy new kid-free patterns. "It's hard
to put their needs on the back burner and have the kids be the first
priority again," says Phyllis Goldberg,
a psychotherapist and counselor in California. But by not losing focus
on themselves, parents can ease the transition and keep their re-lit
flame burning."

Yes, amidst the return to living through the minutia of their lives–the ups and downs of romance, of job hunting, job holding, tiffs with friends, to say nothing of poor housekeeping habits. Good luck with the romance.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Home for the Holidays: Being a good vistor or host

12/13/2008

Whether your family comes to you or you go to them, the holidays–Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover, whatever–can be a strain on everyone. Setting aside the emotional pitfalls, there are also the day-to-day physical displeasures–beds to make, food to prepare, individual needs to cater to. That's what I found so helpful in this blog: It's full of simple ways to ease the hospitality issues.

One of the writer's ideas: keep little tote bags for each grandchild–or adult child. Fill it with special little things each one likes or needs (a wash cloth, slippers, favorite lotions; for little kids, crayons and a pad of paper.) On arrival day, put the tote on each child's bed, along with a towel, new box of tissues and a bottle of water. Repeat for each visit.

So simple. So welcoming. And so easy to do if it becomes a habit. I like it! I may even try it.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

College Bound: Our kids’ college plans are tied to our home ownership.

12/07/2008

Some of our grown kids take on college debt–and we may help them repay it. Some of us pay for their schooling outright. A recent study from the University of Michigan finds there is a clear connection between parents' home ownership and
home equity, and adult their children's college attendance.

The findings suggest, the economists who ran the study say, that sagging college enrollments may be the next nasty fallout from the sub-prime
mortgage mess.

The researchers used data from 2005–"during the happy days of the economy," says U-M researcher Frank Stafford. "Mortgages were
easy to obtain and rapidly rising home equity led a lot of parents to
feel that it was possible to help their children with college
expenses."

The study found that, among the 745 families
sampled–and even after controlling for parental education–64
percent of the children of home-owners were enrolled in college, compared with 33 percent of renters; 51 percent of
children whose parents had less than $25,000 of home equity were enrolled in
college, compared with 88 percent of those whose parents had $350,000
or more of home equity.

Bottom line: WIth the downward spiral to the economy and the deep falloff in real estate values, our ability to help our kids with college costs is likely to translate into lower enrollments and delay of college for many of our kids.