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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Generic guidelines for those fiscal apron strings

03/26/2009

The 401k is melting; retirement seems further away than ever. And then there are the needs of our not-quite-independent adult children. They've got their college debts, the difficulty in finding a job in this economy. They may move back home–as an affordability measure. And, of course, all those hurts hurt us. We want to help. We want to open our wallets and ease the way.

But sometimes we shouldn't. Or can't. For those debating whether to help or not, there's this tip from an expert on young adults:

Don't coddle them. Gifts of money, time, and assistance
should be reserved for times of need or special achievement; otherwise,
young adults fail to develop self-reliance skills that will help them
navigate life's choppy waters. Then, when parental support dries up,
they become frustrated failures. Give help when it's critical but don't
overdo it.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Hard Hit and Hating It

03/21/2009

Many of us who have grown children have been hit hard financially by the economic crisis. Money we thought we'd have to live comfortably on and still help out our adult children is gone. Is that changing our relationship with our adult children? Some of us may be worried about becoming dependent on them, or that they'll be dependent on us and we won't have the wherewithal to help.Or we jsut feel so bad about what's happening that we take it out on the grown kids, as one financial adviser noted recently.

Friends who used their second homes as vacation retreats for their children are having to sell those homes. May not sound like the worst crisis in the world, but it means the loss of a family gathering place and a familiar setting–one that may date back to their children's childhood–for their grandchildren to spend idle weeks of summer.

Friends who had planned to help their children buy a home are finding they don't have the cash to help out with the down payment. Or to pay off college loads. Again, it may not sound like a terrible crisis, but the loss of power–of still being the Big Daddy or Momma–are palpable. So many of us want to make life easier for our children, and this fiscal crisis is playing havoc with that plan. Maybe this is healthy–maybe some of us coddled our children. But a lot of us didn't. We just took great enjoyment from using the money we'd earned and saved over a lifetime to make our children's lives easier. And for many of us, that ability is gone.

How are you coping with fiscal losses? Is it affecting your relationship with your grown children? Or your own feelings about yourself vis a vis those children?
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Having less for the Little Ones (who are now big)

03/14/2009

I don't mean to be repetitious. It's just that the reality is all around us and everyone is feeling it: $3 trillion has seeped out and disappeared fromour 401ks and other savings or retirement accounts. For many of us, that loss wipes out money we had hoped would cover a downpayment for our kids' first house, their college or graduate school tuition, or tide-over money while they made their way through grad school or their first (low-paying) job. And, of course, our kids are scrambling to stay on their feet, knowing the safety net they had assumed was there is, well, not.

Not a good feeling. Here's a little statistical meat to back that up:

Stat one: Nearly a decade ago, the Center on Wealth and Philanthropy estimated that the U.S. was on the verge of the largest inter-generational wealth transfer in history—$41 trillion, with about half if that dough being passed on while the benefactors were still alive.

Stat two: A recent Boston College study estimates that as many as 30 percent of older households are less secure in retirement as a result of the decline in housing values.

The disappearance of a sizable chunk of our generation’s money and security has left many of us resetting priorities–particularly when it comes to spending. Vacations are the first thing that seems to get downgraded. One friend reports: We've canceled the three-week trip to India; we're renting a beach house and inviting the grown kids to join us. We hope they'll suggest chipping in. We'll take them up on it if they do.

What sort of trade-offs or steps are you taking to adjust to recent losses and keep what's left of your nest egg in tact? Have you changed your retirement plans? Travel plans? Spending patterns? Has it affected your ability to help your kids?

Not happy thoughts. But sharing ideas can help.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Helping the kids till it hurts

03/08/2009

For many of us, gone are the days when we could open our wallets with ease and help our grown children when they were in need–paying off a college loan, helping with the down payment on a house or even defraying everyday living expenses. Now our 401ks are half of what they were, the value of our homes has shrunk. Our personal sense of wealth is melting away. And yet the kids still have needs–needs we want to fill. Not just to ease their way but because right now it may be tougher for them at the beginning of their careers than it is for us at the tail end of ours.

It appears to be the same rough go for the Brits. A recent study by Scottish Widows (must find the origins of that name!) found that adult children were sapping their parents and
grandparents of large amounts of money, forcing them to cut back on daily
spending and to take on more debt.

The research showed that one in six of those parents who have given money to
their children have increased their own levels of debt, while one in ten
have had to put a stop to any kind of savings of their own in order to fund
their children. Moreover, nearly a quarter of adult children or grandchildren are using or have used
parental handouts to fund their day-to-day living expenses or spending
money. Over a third needed the money to pay off debt, and 30 per cent needed the cash
for a house purchase.

Here's one other point from the research: Of the 6,000 adults surveyed, almost
half of those that have already given money
to their children expect to dig deeper and
give them more in future.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Empty Nesting: We’re in the majority now

03/04/2009

We are not just our parents all over again. We rule. The majority of families in the U.S. today do not have young children at home, according
to a the most recent population survey by the U.S. Census Bureau. Compare that with our parents' generation: In
the early 1960s, almost 60 percent of families had children younger
than 18 living at home; that percentage has now dropped to 46 percent. Go back even further in time: In 1880, 75 percent of
couples in the U.S. had children at home.

The implications for us–we parents of grown children–are enormous. In a recent column, Abigail Trafford looked at the impact of those population stats on marriage. "After the traditional tasks of child-rearing
are completed," she writes, "the main agenda for gray marriage is mutual
satisfaction. Couples who have been together for decades have usually
learned how to resolve conflicts. But that is not enough. What predicts
happiness for older couples is the presence of positive elements: joy,
playfulness, humor, adventure, caring, empathy and common interests."

I would add to that our relationship with our children who are no longer young or being reared. We still have a relationship with them that can affect, as it did when they lived at home, our marriage [when our kids went off to college, i was struck by how many fewer arguments paterfamilias and I had] and our sense of well-being. There's an old aphorism: "You're only as happy as your unhappiest child." And that still holds true, even when they've moved out and on with their lives. Given the longevity stats that are in our favor, we will probably get to "enjoy" those grown children longer than our parents got to "enjoy" us.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Generic guidelines for those fiscal apron strings

03/02/2009

The 401k is melting; retirement seems further away than ever. And then there are the needs of our not-quite-independent adult children. They've got their college debts, the difficulty in finding a job in this economy. They may be threatening to move back home–it's an affordability measure. And, of course, all those hurts hurt us. We want to help. We want to ease the way. Here's advice from a neutral party. It's aimed at parents of young adult children:

5. Don't coddle them. It's typical for each generation to want to make
life easier for their offspring. Gifts of money, time, and assistance
should be reserved for times of need or special achievement; otherwise,
young adults fail to develop self-reliance skills that will help them
navigate life's choppy waters. Then, when parental support dries up,
they become frustrated failures. Give help when it's critical but don't
overdo it.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: When the kids face foreclosure

02/28/2009

To lend or not to lend when your grown children face losing their home. Not an easy call–especially if your own fiscal well being is greatly diminished. Here's some general advice on the subject from a Washington Post columnist Michelle Singletary. Singletary is answering a question posed by a sister about saving her brother's house when the brother is an undisciplined spender:

"If you ask someone to use a cash gift in a certain way, such as for
college tuition or catching up on a mortgage, the recipient should
honor your request to the best of their ability. However, once you
extend a gift, the money or item is no longer yours to control. You
have to leave it to the person's conscience to do the right thing.

"Before giving someone thousands of dollars to save a home, you
should ask to see a written budget and the underlying documentation,
such as pay stubs, bills, etc. Yes, this is an intrusive demand. Yes, the person or couple might balk, refuse or even cuss you out.

"But if people are asking for a significant amount of money, they
need to prove to you that your money won't be wasted. They need to
prove their financial situation has improved. Or they need to
demonstrate they are becoming better money managers. Otherwise if you
bail them out, and a few months later they are behind again on their
mortgage and the lender forecloses anyway, you've done what your mama
told you never to do — throw good money after bad.

"If you're not equipped to help someone establish a budget, then
require that the person see a qualified credit counselor. Send the
person or couple to DebtAdvice.org or call 1-800-388-2227.
DebtAdvice.org is a service provided by the members of the National
Foundation for Credit Counseling."

"Even if a friend or family member's foreclosure is looming, don't
let that person's desperation result in your giving money that in the
end will just postpone the inevitable. Help if you can, but in a way
that means your generosity won't be in vain. "
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Too Much Togetherness: Tips on vacationing with grown children

02/22/2009

It's always been a dream of mine, to gather together my two grown children and their children and vacation together. It's an especial longing since uber son and alpha daughter and their families live far from the family manse. But I've pretty much given up on that one–different parenting styles, sibling rivalry and personal habits get in the way. Serial vacationing with overlap–that seems to be the way to go.

We did have some successful trips together when our children were younger adults–with or without significant but not necessarily permanent others. Our best bet: ski trips. Everyone busy at their own level; no need to be attached at the hip.They felt free to go out in the evening without us. And we were too tired to care if they stayed home or not.

Families who've tried more ambitious trips have often found it a rockier road. Here are some excerpts–observations, forewarnings and pointers–from a grown child on her trip to Japan with her retired parents and brother and sister.

On my recent trip to Japan with my
20-something brother and sister and our retired parents, our great
times were tempered with an unexpected amount of tension for five
adults who were no longer a full-time family unit.

While Mom and Dad's idea of a family vacation may not have changed, the kids they were bringing with them sure had.

Many families …fall
into old parent/child roles and reprise arguments they may not have had
in years. While the children have adult relationships with each other,
it's their relationships with Mom and Dad that have yet to mature.

Some Good Pointers:

Mixing money and family can be worse on the
road. Avoid friction by establishing reasonable meal and accommodation
prices in advance. If budgets vary wildly, consider eating or staying
separately from time to time.

To keep things fair,
consider having a `slush fund' for incidentals. Have everyone
contribute the same amount of money to a common pool to be used for
taxis, tips, common needs

Plan
in advance and set everyone's expectations around activities that are
important to you. This will avoid last-minute conflict if there's
difficulty fitting everything in to your itinerary.

Be sure to have activities you want
to do privately, even if it's as simple as reading a book.

Though there were plenty
of tense moments on my family trip to Japan, we never took any pictures
when we weren't all speaking. As a result, we have an album
full of happy photo and positive memories.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Re-Nesting: It’s hard on the grown kids, too

02/22/2009

We all talk about how hard it is on us when the kids move
back home. And it is. The loss of privacy. The noise. The eating habits. The hours they keep. But here's a reminder that it's hard on them, too.

These are words of self-awareness written to give the grown children some perspective:

"The housing market is drawing some families together, but challenges
include lifestyle differences, generational differences, depression,
money squabbles and other issues when relatives huddle together for
economic relief. Moving in with relatives can be demoralizing, humbling,
dehumanizing–even though a growing number of people don’t have a lot of choice. “You lose that sense of independence, privacy and self-esteem,” he says. “You lose somewhat of your identity." [written by Nicholas Aretakis, a career coach and author of
No More Ramen: The 20-Something’s Real World Survival Guide]

Something to remember when those moved-back-home kids are particularly annoying.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: The costs of re-nesting

02/16/2009

We are living through difficult times–kids moving back home not just because they're out of college and haven't figured out what they'll do. It's more serious now: Our grown children are losing their jobs, or we're losing ours. Consolidated households are one answer. On her site, Linda Pogue blogs about some of the hidden costs of having the kids move back home.

Some highlights:
Grocery is the biggest expense increase, followed by water consumption
(more dishes and clothes to wash, more people bathing and flushing
toilets), electric bill increase due to more lights, TVs, computers,
etc., in use, and more paper products–toilet paper and paper towels,
primarily. While none of these expenses, except perhaps groceries, will
increase an exorbitant amount, there will be enough that it can
financially undermine the parents allowing grown children's families to
move into their home.

Check out her blog for observations on how to negotiate the issues, with this in mind: Do it upfront to keep peace in the put-back-together household, especially if grandchildren are part of the bargain. Her advice is written for the adult kids who are moving back in with us. But one key point she makes to these adult children really hits home: "If you do not want your parents
correcting your children, be sure that you do it yourself. Just understand that as long as you are in
their home, they may feel they have the right to correct your children,
especially if you do not."

Amen. It's a lot easier to hold off on the "corrections" when you're only there for a brief visit. It's another when you're all living together. It's an issue that needs to be addressed at our end as well.