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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: An Aussie take on what we can afford to give our adult kids

    The economic retrenchment is, as we know, global. We aren't the only families having to pull back financially, and that includes support for our grown children–be it paying off a college debt or helping with the down payment on a house. A report out of Australia mirrors what many here are experiencing.
    Evidently, the hard times down under are silencing the peal of wedding bells. Here are some highlights from a report by the St George Bank:

    Generation Y expects parents to help
    pay for weddings, house deposits and education fees, but concerns over
    retirement and debt have taken priority for most mums and dads.

    70 per
    cent of baby boomers believe the global financial crisis has seen their
    assets shrink in value, and 71 per cent are now concerned about their financial health. As a result, only 6 per cent of parents rate providing financial assistance to their adult offspring as a top priority.

    Almost half of those parents with adult children said they were
    focused on saving, either for retirement (25 per cent) or other future
    expenses (24 per cent).

    Another 41 per cent favored paying off debt, either their credit card (24 per cent) or mortgage (17 per cent), the survey showed.

    Bottom line: “Circumstances have changed for many and it’s understandable that
    parents are now having to focus on their own needs and financial health,"a general
    manager of the bank said. “As a result, when it comes to paying for things like weddings,
    first home deposits, overseas travel and childcare, many Gen Ys must
    now stand on their own two feet.”

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Who should get your favorite chair?

    Could there be a more boring term? Estate planning is somehow put-offish, in every sense of the word. And yet it's got to be done and it needs to be revisited from time to time. You may not be here when your last wishes are read aloud, but you can rest easy knowing you've taken care of not just the big things but the iconic treasures as well. Here's one interesting observation about that planning process from an expert in the field:

    "Make the key decisions.
    Too often, estate owners say, "Leave it to the kids and let them
    decide." Non-decisions often lead to family strife, wasted assets, and
    a general estate planning disaster. Estate lawyers always are amazed at
    the things adult children and other heirs fight over. Long suppressed
    issues and conflicts come to the surface. Seemingly meaningless items
    can have great symbolic value to someone, or at least the person claims
    they do.

    Personal
    property and iconic items such as the family residence or vacation home
    are the most likely to cause such problems."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Empty Nest: Feeling down in the dumps when the kids leave for college

    I always thought paterfamilias and I had a solid marriage. It was tested when our kids–they were one year apart in school–left for college. Within a year, the house was empty. We had more fights those first few weeks than at any other period in our marriage. It was, I came to realize, because both of us were feeling low about our children leaving home. Positive though that journey is for them and us.

    We survived. So do others. But every year a whole new flock of parents go through it. I just read something insightful by a health professional that I thought I'd share with the new flock:

    "It is normal to go through a crisis
    when the children leave home. It is not easy, even though it is
    a healthy and positive process. When kids leave home, they leave
    room for something else. There remains a space in the house, a
    void that has to be filled. An empty space can produce uneasiness,
    discomfort, anxiety, emptiness, etc. until it is filled with something
    new.    "

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Sharing the wealth–or at least your plans for the wealth.

    You never know where some gem or germ of wisdom will come from. Here's a little sensible advice from a law firm's blog. Of course, the writer is selling estate planning, but still, the comments make sense even if you're not drawing up an official plan. First, there's the question of whether you should share your estate plan with your heirs–the grown kids or even the grandkids, if they're grown, too.

    The lawyer-writer answers that point this way:

    "If
    you have a significant estate to leave to your heirs—but you are still
    alive and well—to whom does that significant estate belong, you or them? This
    seem a silly question, of course the property belongs to you, but many
    adult children have come to count on the property their parents will
    leave them, and—rightly or wrongly—to feel a sense of ownership over
    it. As potential beneficiaries, do your heirs have the right to be
    informed ahead of time of your plans for your own estate?

    David Cay Johnston, in his article Learning to Share, suggests that "although parents have no responsibility
    to inform their children of their plans, not talking to your kids about
    your estate plan is a surefire way to foster hurt feelings and
    inter-family fights once you've passed on.

    Every family and situation will be different,
    and some parents will have good reasons for keeping their plans under
    wraps. But in many circumstances, whether your
    intention with your estate plan is to ease the way for your heirs or
    merely to ensure that your wishes are carried out to the letter, open
    communication with your children or potential heirs is the best way to
    support the accomplishment of those goals.    "

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: How to talk about money

    They've got tips–100 of them–for discussing money, an always touchy topic when it comes to talking to your adult kids without making them feel like you are muddling in their financial life. They are Kathryn and Captain Frugal who write a Money Saving Blog.

    Here are some of the tips aimed at the adult children themselves (and that we, as their parents, should bear in mind):

    39. Set clear boundaries. Decide on your own what you will and won’t
    discuss with your parents and financially and stick to those boundaries.

    40. Respect your spouse and children. As you get older, your family
    priorities shift away from your role as a child and towards your role
    as a parent and spouse. When discussing finances with your own parents,
    respect the rights to financial privacy that your other family members
    have.

    41. Rely on parents for financial help only as a last resort. After
    you’re on your own, you need to be responsible for your own finances.
    If you rely on parents for help, then they are going to feel that they
    have a right to tell you how to spend and save and you want to avoid
    that.

    42. Don’t overreact. You don’t live in your parents’ house anymore so
    you don’t need to get all worked up about their opinions on your money.
    Just listen and let it go.

    43. Find non-money things to discuss with your parents. Parents
    sometimes try to get us to talk about money because it gets us riled
    up. In a weird way, this makes them feel that they’re still closely
    involved in our lives. If we are close in other ways, this will be less
    of an issue

    44. Use the “I” word. Parents still feel responsibility for your
    finances since you’re their child. They’ll feel less responsible if you
    talk about your own feelings and situation without blaming them.

    45. Stop talking about the past. The financial past is over with so deal with it and move on.

     

    Here are some tips for you, as the parent of grown and independent kids:

    72. Do more listening and less talking. Your kids needed you for
    advice and financial guidance when they were young. Now they need to
    sort things out on their own with your sound financial ear as support.

    73. Let your adult kids know that you’re willing to help them learn how
    to budget, save money and get into investing. Then wait until they say
    they are ready for your help. When they ask, be there to assist.

    74. Invite them to attend financial classes and workshops with you.

    75. Solicit your kids’ advice on technology as it applies to money. They probably know more than you in this area!

    76. Admit your changing financial fears. As your kids become adults,
    they are ready to hear the reality of your fears about money as you get
    older. Admit this and find a proactive way to eliminate those fears
    together.

    77. Consider their finances when planning family things. You may want
    your kids home for Christmas but if this puts a financial burden on
    them then it creates a lot of stress. Discuss the issue openly to
    resolve the financial aspect of these things.

    78. Put your financial affairs in order. This will help when dealing with money as you get into your older years.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Refilling the Nest: Economic woes bring older adult children home

    The latest census report and a couple of surveys hold some startling statistics for those of us with adult children: They are moving back home in force. And at mid-career–or older.

    Here are the numbers, starting with the younger ones:

    According to the most recent Census report, there were 5.1 million Americans age 25 to 34 living in
    the home of a parent. In 2004, there were only 4.3 million doing so.

    When AARP surveyed 1,000 adults this spring, it
    found that 11 percent of people between ages 35 and 44 were living with parents or in-laws.

    A recent survey by grandparents.com of 4,800 grandparents found 12.5 percent reporting that
    they lived in the same home as their grandchildren; of those, 53
    percent said that the adult children and grandchildren who lived with
    them could not afford to live independently.

    And the trend is likely to keep going as this deep recession just begins to hit bottom. These stats and some human interest stories to go with them are in this story from the New York Times.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Empty Nest Redux: When the kids come marching home again

    This just in from Great Britain. A survey by Selftrade of 2,000 Brits on fallout from the current economic downturn finds that "50% of British adults have been forced to make a ‘Plan B’
    in the last year, as their lives have taken a surprise turn in a
    different direction. In 87% of these cases, a life change drove a major
    shift in financial outlook and habits."

    While the survey identified "the need for people to empower
    themselves by taking control of their finances to secure against
    financial difficulties should a lifestyle U-turn be necessary," what was of interest to me–and presumably, readers of this blog–is the finding on how parents of adult children were reacting. Here's the excerpt on that point:

    "The Forever parents
    An emerging social trend in “Recession Britain”
    is the growth of the multi-generation home. Parents who experienced the
    surprise return of their adult children back home went through a number
    of sudden financial shifts. Suddenly devoid of their independence they
    were the group least likely to put themselves first (14%) or to be
    selfish when planning financial goals (15%). They were also the group
    most relaxed about taking on more debt (12%) and were least bothered
    about boosting their savings (10%) or investments (17%) – probably
    because they had little left over that they could put away."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Adult Children as Guests: Home for a visit–for weeks at a time.

    Lucy has three children–all grown and living independently. Two live nearby. One daughter lives far away–in a third-world country where her job is first rate and so are the perks. She has two nannies for two children. So when she came home for a three-week visit–part work, part parental visit–a nanny came with her. Only one of them. The one for the baby. Not the one for the 4-year old.
    I tell you all this to tell you what Lucy said when I asked her if having the nanny as part of the entourage made things easier. "No," Lucy says. "She was just another mouth to feed."
    Lucy, who's a very energetic person, was exhausted by the visit–even though she does regular duty taking care of her two grandchildren who live nearby.I bumped into her two weeks after her far-away daughter left and she said she was just recovering. And dreading/excited about another visit–the far-away daughter was due to come back for another three-weeker this summer.

    What is this all about? Almost everyone I know reports a similar response to a visit from their adult children with grandchildren in tow. It seems it's just as bad even when there's a nanny around to help with the child care, or when the adult children themselves pay full attention to the care and tending of their offspring.

    My theory is that it's the change in routine. And the provisioning of the refrigerator and the pulling together of meals three times a day. with special meals that cater to special tastes of very small people. "Why can't he just have cereal for dinner," Lucy asked one evening when her small grandson who lives so far away didn't like what was offered. This did not occur to her daughter. And Lucy's theory on this is that her daughter and her grandchildren are so used to having nannies around to cater to every need, they don't have to make do with cereal. Nor do they insist that what's offered will be eaten. Someone will hop up and boil the pasta and heap on the butter and satisfy the little one's appetite.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: What if the kids are over their heads in debt?

    It's one thing to struggle with your own fiscal problems–retirement looming, nest egg shrinking. But it's even worse to watch your kids fall into debt. What do you do about that?
    That's a question raised in a recent Washington Post column, which advises parents of grown children NOT to denude their own assets in an effort to save their children. Certainly, putting ourselves in a position where we are no longer self-supporting is dangerous. But sharing some of our assets with a child who runs into fiscal trouble can be the right thing to do–depending on the situation. As I see it, the help line can be drawn between a child's bad judgment and misjudgment.
    Here' are highlights from the column: 

    Don't jeopardize your own
    finances in order to help your child, particularly if you’re
    nearing retirement age and have a fixed number of years to build
    up/resuscitate your savings plan. Borrowing from your 401(k) (if
    there’s anything left in there) or tapping a home equity line of credit
    to help pay off your kid’s debt isn’t a great idea.

    Don't be afraid to pass judgment on your
    child’s debt. You’ve weighed in on everything from the cleanliness of
    their rooms to their Friday night date, so why should debt be any
    different? You may decide to treat student loans or health-care costs
    as worthy causes while credit card debt from that new flat panel TV is not. The last thing you want to do is enable
    them to continue what could be a vicious cycle of spending.

    Treat a loan to your adult children as a full-fledged loan, complete
    with interest. (If that makes you feel guilty, you could always return
    the interest to them after the final payment as a surprise.) As with
    any loan, write down the
    terms of repayment and decide what the penalties should be for late or
    missed payments.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Refilling the Nest: Two is company, three is crowded

    The semester is almost over. The students who went off to college as overgrown teens are heading home for the summer as adults. A friend's son, after two years of struggling with college courses, is coming home for the duration–to figure out what he'll do next, what he wants out of life, whether further schooling is for him. It's a tough time for him–and for his parents. 

    His imminent arrival feels, says my friend, "like an invasion of my space." He'll be bringing home–to the house where my friend and her husband comfortably raised two children–all his clothes, sports equipment and odd pieces of furniture he picked up to furnish an off-campus apartment he shared with friends.

    But I don't think that's what she means by an invasion. The physical presence of a young adult who's in some turmoil and the daily reminder of that internal contest is not to be discounted. And that's what I think she means when she says, "The house is too small for three adults."