PenPenWrites

PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Letting Go: The surge in the urge to protect

07/23/2009

I spent a weekend with Alpha Daughter and her daughter. Alpha had to take part in a conference at a college that was a 4-hour drive from my home and two airplane flights from hers. She did not wish to be parted from her child for yet another weekend; her husband couldn't get away. I offered to meet her at the college, babysit by day and be there for a friendly visit in the evening. I drove there by myself [paterfamilias did not wish to partake] and it was unnerving–I was driving into unknown territory and it is hard to read a map when you're at the wheel and you want to double check those directions. In any case, I got there–rattled but I arrived. So did she–after several flight delays. So we weren't off to the best of starts.

The weekend wasn't easy. None of us were on familiar ground. But we made it through without any major meltdowns. Then came the time to part. I drove her to the little airport that serves the college town and told her to run inside and see if her flight was on time. In she went and out she came: the flight would be delayed; no one knew how long. It had yet to leave the airport from whence it was supposed to cometh. If that flight was late, she would miss her connecting flight and then… and then?

That was her problem. Here was mine. Stay or go? If i stayed, I could always drive her to our home and put her on a direct flight to her city. This is what I was thinking as she unloaded her bags and her daughter. I hesitated. The urge to protect was surging. Should I park the car and wait with her to make sure everything was OK? Or should I drive off–I had a four hour drive ahead of me and had to go to work the next day. What to do?

Reader, I left: Helped her get the bags out of the car; kissed my little Grand goodbye and started the journey home. With a heavy heart. Anxious. Uneasy. But here was the comfort I took: I reminded myself that Alpha daughter is a grown woman with a child. She will handle whatever happens. It's my maternal instinct kicking in that made me want to provide and protect. But she has that instinct now–for herself and her child.

I was reminded of this feeling when I read a piece in the New York Times by Michelle Slatalla, in which she describes how her college-age daughter on a trip to Haiti to do volunteer work becomes ill–sick enough to need intravenous fluids. The mother's first instinct is to fly to her side–but it's not really possible at that moment. As the daughter starts to recover, she calls and asks her mother whether she should come home. She wants to but doesn't want to. What should she do, she asks her mother? "Stay" Slatalla says, though she agonizes over the decision. "There's nothing that instructs parents on exactly how and when to let go," the mother writes. "No guidebook that says how much or how far to push."

Hers was clearly a closer call than mine. A younger child; a situation more fraught with danger. But the feeling at the core is the same: The need, the desire, the urge to take care of our children–even when they are grown up and leading independent and successful lives.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Moving Home: The Boomerang kids return to the nest

07/12/2009

This isn't the first time I've posted links to newspaper, magazine or blog items on how to handle a return to the nest. But it is the first time I've seen the topic covered at length by no less a media than the New York Times. In true Times tradition, "When Fledglings Return to the Nest" covers the basics thoroughly. Here are some highlights:

Should you take them in:"Given your own economic circumstances, you may not be able to afford
another mouth to feed. But if forcing children to live on their own may
lead to a bigger bailout later, it may not be economically smart. Besides, having kids at home again may help you save money."

Should they pay rent? The issue "isn’t so much whether you charge. It’s why the child has moved home in the first place." The anecdotes in the article suggest that if the children aren't slackers–are just in a tough financial spot right now–you might want to forgo rent or charge a token fee, one that rises with time until it's close to market rate. One parent put it this way: “I’m aware of the circumstances where within the family there’s the
proverbial 35-year-old living at home How does it get to the point where the
child didn’t decide to move on? The bond between child and parent is so
strong, it was easier for us in the abstract to say that this was the
program.”

If they pay rent, should you refund it when they move on? While some parents see the rent as a real contribution to the household, others "consider it a reward for good financial behavior, or a leg up on a future down payment."

Should you give them financial advice? Tread carefully here. Use other sources–books, articles–as a referral on the topic. One parent suggests this mantra: “When you have adult children, you
cannot tell them what to do. You can only tell them what you’ll pay
for. And if they don’t need you to pay for it, then you can only hope
that they ask for your advice and take it.”

What if the stay is prolonged as a way for the child to save money for the future? "It may work best if the child works 80-hour weeks or travels
constantly. It may help if the parents are gone most weekends, or if
the child crashes at the home of a paramour frequently. It helps, too,
to have no siblings underfoot and a bathroom (and better yet, an
entrance) of one’s own. And, of course, the child needs to save the
money as planned. If squabbles ensue, the child can always move out. But
if everyone gets along, these children eventually move out with a big
pile of money in the bank. And that safety net makes it more likely
they will never again have to move back in with you."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: How we view the recession’s impact depends on how old we are

07/05/2009

As readers of this blog may know, I've got quite a collection here of studies done in Great Britain, Australia and other countries on how "the bank of mum and dad" is faring in this economic downturn. Short answer: not well. To complement those reports, here's one from Pew on how our perspectives of the downturn and our financial well being are tempered or magnified by the age group we find ourselves in. Our grown kids, it turns out, are the most hopeful–time is on their side. But here's some of what Pew [Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends] found about the rest of us.

Adults 65 and older–most of whom have already retired and downsized
their lifestyles–have escaped the downturn's full fury. Adults in late middle
age (50 to 64) have seen their nest eggs shrink the most and their
anxieties about retirement swell the most. Younger adults (ages 18-49)
have taken the worst lumps in the job market but remain relatively
upbeat about their financial future.

Some details of interest:

Older adults are less likely to say the recession has been a source of stress in
their family. Despite the recession, three-quarters say they expect to
be able to leave an inheritance for their children–even though more
than half of all older adults say the recession has reduced the amount
of money or property they expect to bequeath.

Two-thirds of adults ages 50-64 say they lost money in the past year in
mutual funds, individual stocks or 401(k)-type retirement accounts. Of
those who report such losses, two-in-ten say they lost more than 40% of
their investments' value and nearly four-in-ten say they lost 20% to
40%. By comparison, far fewer older adults or younger adults report
losing money in stocks and retirement accounts in the past year.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Providing Child Care: The economy gives us yet another role

06/29/2009

This harsh economic downturn takes it toll in many ways. Our 401ks may be lighter and tighter but our grown children face even grater perils: job loss, job change, job downgrade. Where they might have had full time nannies before, that is now a luxury. Or is it? Some of us are filling that gap. The only stat I've seen is one quoted in the article below, that about 40 percent of grandparents who live within an hour’s drive of young
grandchildren provide regular child care while the mothers work; only 8 percent of them are rewarded financially. I have several friends who've answered the call for help–more about those stories in future blogs. Meanwhile, here's the phenomenon as reported by the Wall Street Journal (June 24).

WHEN GRANNY IS YOUR NANNY

By Sue Shellenbarger

Marie
Rej, a consultant and mother of two, and her mother, Antoinette
Traniello, often clash over the right way to raise kids. Antoinette
thinks Marie is too lenient, and Marie regards Antoinette’s rules as
too black-and-white.

But the Wakefield, Mass., mother and daughter are swallowing their
differences so Antoinette can provide the summer child-care help Marie
needs after a recent layoff and job change. Disagreements aside, Marie
says gratefully, her mother “has told me she’ll pitch in wherever she’s
needed.”

Similar
scenes are playing out nationwide, as grandparents step up to meet the
erratic child-care demands imposed by a rocky economy. Prevailing
child-rearing beliefs have taken many turns in the past 60 years,
creating ample grounds for disagreement between caregivers, whether
they’re tradition-minded World War II-era grandparents, hovering baby
boomers or the family-focused, informal moms and dads of Generation X.
Other parents wrestle with how to divvy up authority or whether to pay
grandparents for their help The problem-solving and peacekeeping
strategies families must use to make these two-generational setups work
can make already complicated family relationships even more challenging.

Some forecasters predicted this generation of grandparents would be
too self-absorbed to help with child care. But there’s no evidence that
today’s grandparents are backing away. The proportion of preschoolers
cared for primarily by their grandparents while their mothers work rose
to 19.4% in 2005, the latest data available, from 15.9% in 1995, the
Census Bureau says. A wave of closings and cutbacks in child-care
facilities suggest the trend is continuing.

Some 40% of grandparents who live within an hour’s drive of young
grandchildren provide regular child care while their mothers work, says
a 2008 survey of 500 grandparents by the National Association of Child
Care Resource & Referral Agencies, an Arlington, Va., nonprofit.
And grandparents’ child-care hours rise significantly in the summer,
the Census Bureau says.

It seems “boomers aren’t as spoiled as we thought,” says Georgia
Witkin, assistant professor of psychiatry at Mount Sinai Medical
Center, New York, and a senior editor for Grandparents.com, a Web site
on grandparenting. “It was anticipated that a lot of grandparents might
establish separate lives and might resent having those interrupted,”
she says. While some have, others “like to feel needed.”

(more…)
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Visitors: When the kids and their kids come home for a visit

06/22/2009

Alpha daughter and her daughter have come home for a visit–a long weekend. The Grand is six–not a difficult age. We don't have to watch her like a two-year-old. We are not tied to naps or strict schedules. We can go out to dinner together and enjoy ourselves. She can come to our office and charm our co-workers. We can go to museums or the zoo and discuss what we're seeing and why it's interesting. We can read books. She can sit and read a book by herself. She can play by herself for at least an hour or two.
And yet. And yet. They left today and we are in a state of collaptive exhaustion. Why should this be? Alpha daughter is helpful–she pitches in to prepare meals and to clean up. She doesn't expect us to babysit endlessly. She is here to enjoy some free time with her daughter and some quality time with us as well.

What is it that sets off the weariness? Part of it is tension: will we manage not to offend? Will Paterfamilias, the more critical of alpha daughter's parents, be too critical–of his daughter or, worse yet, his daughter's daughter? He does not take kindly to having his conversation interrupted and six year olds tend to, well, interrupt. And it's not easy for less-critical me. I never know when I'm going to stick my foot in it, so to speak. Say the wrong thing. And it's so easy to do. Just suggest that you can babysit if she wants to get a haircut, and you can feel the bristling begin.

But that's only part of it. There's another more neutral reason–at least I've come to think there's a more neutral reason. The exhaustion stems, in part, from the break in routine. We eat earlier when we have visitors–so there's a rush to get food prepared and on the table. No more sitting around to watch the evening news then chatting about what we might have for dinner and taking our time to prepare it. And the food they eat is different from the food we eat–they are vegetarians [no fish, no fowl, to say nothing of the beefier stuff; no cheese with rennet]. So I have to re-think meals. It's not terrible. Not impossible. But challenging. And adjustments like that add up. Are they comfortable in the beds you've prepared for them? Is the TV too loud? Are you watching something that should be turned off if the six-year-old wanders into the room–like news of war and bombings or terrible disasters or heinous crimes.

It was with some relief that we drove them to the airport. But no sooner did they walk toward security check in and wave goodbye than the tears welled up. I miss them. I wish they lived near by so that I could have a more natural to and fro with my daughter and her family.

Would that be any better? Friends whose children and grandchildren live in the same city as they do have their exhaustions as well–filling in for a weekend babysit so the parents can go away for the weekend; the last minute call in an emergency–driving to a grown child's house at 2 in the morning. We want to be there for all that. Why else are we still around? Why else do we call ourselves family? And yet, we all tell each other the tales of how tired we are when we've had some time–a visit–with our grown children.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Helping kids work their way through debt

06/17/2009

In a follow up to Vanguard's posting on adult children and debt, the site let's us know what readers think. Some of the more insightful observations of matters financial are these:

BUYER BEWARE: "Some of you admitted to, or alluded to, confusion over the terms of student
loans and the implications of those terms. “Read the fine print” was the phrase
that struck me. (I was looking at a promissory note from Sallie Mae this week,
and it’s not an easy document to get through.)"

CO-SIGNER BEWARE: "Interest deferral—and the eventual addition of
deferred interest to a loan’s principal—was a shock to some of you. One parent
who signed for a loan for her daughter experienced credit-score damage when the
daughter defaulted on the loan for a few months. So, “caution” may be a great
byword for all of us."

BACK TO BASICS: "Another reader got my attention with some advice I remember learning very
early in my career: “Financial prudence comes from managing limited resources.
You cannot learn to prioritize if you do not give up discretionary items for
essentials.”

YOU, THE TEACHER: "A number of students said some well-timed advice on managing money and debt
would have been very helpful. One former student related his college experience
of accumulating $17,000 in student loans as well as credit card debt—and not
having a clue how to pay it off. Many of you pointed out that the responsibility
for teaching our children to handle choices (money and debt included) is ours,
as parents. The bottom line: Everything may be possible—just not all at the same
time."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Are we too late to help them deal with debt?

06/16/2009

Through my 401K at work I get to invest retirement money through Vanguard. Vanguard, in turn, tries to keep me up to date on my investment options and, occasionally, more. As in this recent piece, which I've edited to shorten but you can read the whole thing here and follow any subsequent comments.

"Students these days are graduating from college with significant debt: According to the U.S. Department of Education,
the total outstanding federal student loan debt exceeds $500 billion.
Worse still, many graduates have little or no experience in managing a
budget, and many have had (and may continue to have) parents who bailed
them out of debt crises—postponing the inevitable experience of
managing their own debt. This is a serious problem.

A recent study by Sallie Mae
talks about students living beyond their means, and on average running
up credit card bills in excess of $3,170. That doesn’t include average
college-loan indebtedness of $21,000 at graduation, and an increasing
default rate for those loans just short of 7%.

Not all graduates are in the same circumstance. Plenty have worked
their way through, carried loans, competed and won scholarships, and
know exactly what they need to do to pay down their debt and keep
financial control of their lives. Kudos to them. But suppose we haven’t
done our children the favor of making them at least partially
financially responsible during or after high school? Is it too late to
remedy that?"

Well, that was quite a surprise coming from a financial institution. My reaction to the question she raises was one I posted as a comment on the site. It went something like this: While parents may have
postponed their children's ability to budget and deal with debt, many of us can no longer afford the bailout. Is it too late to teach adult children lessons that
should have been learned when they were in their teens? The question in my mind
is, if we couldn't allow them to feel the pain then, are we up to the challenge
now–especially when the are stakes higher and the pain may be more prolonged. I
think the financial issue masks an emotional one: The desire to ease the way for
our children. We aren't necessarily doing them a favor.

what do you think?

I
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: An Aussie take on what we can afford to give our adult kids

06/14/2009

The economic retrenchment is, as we know, global. We aren't the only families having to pull back financially, and that includes support for our grown children–be it paying off a college debt or helping with the down payment on a house. A report out of Australia mirrors what many here are experiencing.
Evidently, the hard times down under are silencing the peal of wedding bells. Here are some highlights from a report by the St George Bank:

Generation Y expects parents to help
pay for weddings, house deposits and education fees, but concerns over
retirement and debt have taken priority for most mums and dads.

70 per
cent of baby boomers believe the global financial crisis has seen their
assets shrink in value, and 71 per cent are now concerned about their financial health. As a result, only 6 per cent of parents rate providing financial assistance to their adult offspring as a top priority.

Almost half of those parents with adult children said they were
focused on saving, either for retirement (25 per cent) or other future
expenses (24 per cent).

Another 41 per cent favored paying off debt, either their credit card (24 per cent) or mortgage (17 per cent), the survey showed.

Bottom line: “Circumstances have changed for many and it’s understandable that
parents are now having to focus on their own needs and financial health,"a general
manager of the bank said. “As a result, when it comes to paying for things like weddings,
first home deposits, overseas travel and childcare, many Gen Ys must
now stand on their own two feet.”
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Who should get your favorite chair?

06/07/2009

Could there be a more boring term? Estate planning is somehow put-offish, in every sense of the word. And yet it's got to be done and it needs to be revisited from time to time. You may not be here when your last wishes are read aloud, but you can rest easy knowing you've taken care of not just the big things but the iconic treasures as well. Here's one interesting observation about that planning process from an expert in the field:

"Make the key decisions.
Too often, estate owners say, "Leave it to the kids and let them
decide." Non-decisions often lead to family strife, wasted assets, and
a general estate planning disaster. Estate lawyers always are amazed at
the things adult children and other heirs fight over. Long suppressed
issues and conflicts come to the surface. Seemingly meaningless items
can have great symbolic value to someone, or at least the person claims
they do.

Personal
property and iconic items such as the family residence or vacation home
are the most likely to cause such problems."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Empty Nest: Feeling down in the dumps when the kids leave for college

05/30/2009

I always thought paterfamilias and I had a solid marriage. It was tested when our kids–they were one year apart in school–left for college. Within a year, the house was empty. We had more fights those first few weeks than at any other period in our marriage. It was, I came to realize, because both of us were feeling low about our children leaving home. Positive though that journey is for them and us.

We survived. So do others. But every year a whole new flock of parents go through it. I just read something insightful by a health professional that I thought I'd share with the new flock:

"It is normal to go through a crisis
when the children leave home. It is not easy, even though it is
a healthy and positive process. When kids leave home, they leave
room for something else. There remains a space in the house, a
void that has to be filled. An empty space can produce uneasiness,
discomfort, anxiety, emptiness, etc. until it is filled with something
new."