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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparents Rule: We’re a growing presence in cyberspace

    We who are not only parenting grown children by grandparenting their children are part of a growing and vigorous online community.

    I know this not only because I've discovered Susan Adcox's excellent about.com grandparenting site [see blogroll], but because another blogger was good enough to post the 50 best sites for grandparenting.

    Who knew there were so many of us?–though we are not all doing exactly the same thing. The list is divided into categories–some by active grannies, some by papas and others that are only in part about grandparenting [such as this one].

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Sharing Your Gifts: A grandchild can be overwhelmed by your talents.

    My friend Pat is a pianist. Oh, not a famous, concert-touring pianist, but a serious student who works hard at and enjoys music. She teaches youngsters as well. Not her own 7-year-old grandchild: She lives in another city. That said, Pat says it felt quite natural, on a recent visit to that granddaughter, to sit down at the piano with her and ask her to play one of the pieces her new piano teacher had given her to practice. 

    Uh Oh. That's when Pat realized that the piano lessons were not quite what they should be. She held her tongue, but at one point she suggested, ever so gently, that one particular note should be held just a little bit longer. The 7-year-old defended her teacher's instructions and that was the end of that.

    Or was it? When the piano teacher arrived the next day, Pat took a seat in the next room–one where she could hear the lesson but be out of sight. Before she could settle in, her granddaughter marched right up to her and said, "I don't want you to listen to my lesson."

    Was Pat hurt? A little. But seven is seven. Pat's bottom line: "It made me realize that my role is to sit at the piano, listen to her play and say 'Brava! Brava!' And leave it at that."

    When she told me this story, I was reminded of a recent incident with one of our grandchildren. Paterfamilias is a soccer player. In his youth, he played for his high school and college teams and then went on to play in local men's leagues. So he knows and loves his soccer. When he watched his granddaughter play, he saw a yawning need for more precise instruction.

    Uh Oh. The next day he kicked the soccer ball around with her and gave her a few "gentle" tutorials. She allowed as how that wasn't how her coach had told her to play. Long story short: the session ended in tears (hers, not his).

    I may be over-generalizing from two anecdotes, but it seems grandkids don't like to have their grandparents horning in on what they're learning from coaches or teachers. Maybe it disrupts the proper order of their world or tears at a coach-student bond–or the urge to conform. There's probably a time and place to share our gifts and talents with our grandkids, but when they are young, the best sharing may be a show of enthusiasm. "Brava! Brava!" says it all.

    This posting is one of several featured in About.Com's blog on grandparenting that dedicates its September issue to grandparenting day. You can read these takes on grandparenting here.

     

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: It’s okay to let your grown children treat you.

    It was my birthday, and I was visiting Uber son and his family. My daughter-in-law proposed a lovely gift: A pedicure for two–me and my 7-year-old granddaughter. What a great idea. It would be her first. But my main thought was, how can I maneuver things so I pay for it. I didn't want my daughter-in-law to have to foot the bill. I didn't want to burden them with an additional charge. 

    This was a little bit crazy on my part. They are, after all, on pretty firm ground financially–the double pedicure at a suburban strip mall outlet wasn't going to break the bank. So why couldn't I just sit back and enjoy?

    I was finally forced to. When my daughter-in-law dropped us off for our pedicure, she pre-paid the bill. I'm glad I kept my "I want to pay" neurosis to myself. It was a perfect gift and a memorable experience to have this precious 7-year-old sitting with me while we picked out the nail polish color we'd try. We were going to do the same color so we had a lot of intense discussion about various shades of red and orange. We both dismissed the idea of blue or green. And then we sat side by side in big lounge chairs while we had our feet bathed and washed, our toe nails cut and polished. I could see how tentatively she sat on the edge of her chair, just a little bit worried about what was coming next. And I was able to sit right next to her, knowing I was right there to reassure her if something seemed strange or scary.

    What a special gift. My grandchild and I still chat on the phone to compare nicks in our polish. And I've finally gotten over the feeling that my grown children shouldn't treat me. I was perpetuating an out-of-date reality–that they couldn't afford it. It's healthy for them to treat me. And it was wonderful gift for me–both the pedicure and the recognition that they were financial grown ups.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Facing the loss of their legacy

    "It was," she says, "a very hard conversation to have." My friends DeeDee and Mel had to tell their  daughters that there was no longer an inheritance for them.

    DeeDee and Mel had invested the lion's share their hard-earned money with Bernie Madoff. Now it was gone. Gone, too, was the lifestyle they were used to. They still had their 401ks–much diminished though they were by the 2008 crash–and social security. But, where they were used to being generous with their grown daughters–"we always liked sharing with them what we had accumulated"–that is no longer possible.

    "When we told them," DeeDee says, "they were wonderful. They said, 'Mom, Dad, we don't need your money. If you need anything, let us know.' "

    "As a parent," DeeDee goes on, "that's a very hard thing to digest. You always think it will be the other way–that you can give to them, that you'll be there to help them out if they need it. This is a whole new revelation. How do you process it? It's very difficult. We seem to be surviving."

    Her bottom line: "Leveling with the kids was hard but I'm glad we did it."

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Skype Me Up, Scottie: Visiting face to face with the grown kids and the grandkids.

    I may be a little late to be an enthusiast, but I've discovered Skype. Had heard about it, of course. But had no real reason to use it. Now paterfamilias and I do. Alpha daughter and her family are living in a country that is an ocean–and a six-hour time difference–away. But with Skype, we "call" each other through our computers and can both see and hear each other. It makes it feel like we're right there in our daughter's apartment, sitting in her kitchen, looking out her kitchen window and chatting over a cup of tea. Our granddaughter sometimes sits still long enough for a conversation. But often she just dances by, says hi, and dances off screen. Or plays the piano for us. Our grandpup also makes her presence known.

    Alpha daughter has also used Skype on her laptop to give us a tour of her apartment and a closer view of the courtyard outside her window. When we go on vacation with our son and his family next week, we hope my little notebook-laptop will Skype us a visit–the cousins can see each other and tell each other whatever silly things small children manage to convey via a computer screen.

    Other friends are further up the evolutionary ladder on their Skype. One, whose granddaughters live on the other coast of the U.S., says she reads stories to the youngest kids–turning the book to show them the pictures. Has anyone tried checkers? Or another game? Or found another inventive way to use computer-phone technology to bridge the distance between our homes here and their homes way over there?

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Grandparents and Birthdays: How many visits is not enough visits?

    Is there such a thing as grandparent overkill? Or, for that matter, under kill? Our friends who have two sons and six grandchildren living in two different cities have yet to miss a grandchild's birthday–even if it means flying across the country for a weekend after they've just spent a week vacationing with that  family. Sometimes it's only the grammie who goes, but at least one of them is there to help blow out the candles for each and party with every grandchild.

    It floors me. Like our friends, we have two children and four grandchildren living in two different cities far from us. We have missed several birthdays–in fact, we've probably missed more than we've made. Physically. But we hope we've added to the general birthday excitement in each household by marking the occasion with bouquets of balloons (florists deliver!), presents or promises (always kept) to shop together for a bike or go to the circus together. We've sung songs on the telephone and tried to make a fuss in a variety of ways. But we have not usually been physically present. Sometimes it was by choice–other obligations got in the way. Sometimes we weren't invited–birthdays were celebrated by a weekend train trip to a city with a great zoo. Or sometimes it was too much hassle–the celebrant and her family were spending a week or two in a city where they once lived and partying with friends she'd met at pre-school there.

    Do I sound like I'm making excuses? Paterfamilias doesn't think so. When the subject comes up for discussion–should we be there for the birthday party–I feel faint at the thought of all that noise and the commotion of a house filled with dozens of children I don't know and of how little help I would be. Paterfamilias likes to say, "I still have my own life to live. I'll be there if they need me." Do birthday's qualify as "need me?" Are we–make that me–letting the grandchildren down? Is there a model for what a grandparent should do about birthdays?

    These children are precious to us, and yet, a birthday weekend is a hectic one. Lots of preparation and excitement about all those friends coming over or taking all those friends some place special. The kids get keyed up. The parents are busy, busy, busy with preparations and overseeing children and making sure no one goes home crying and that everyone gets a goodie bag. We don't get to spend quality time with anyone–unless it's our child's in-laws, the other grandparents, who've made their way to the birthday weekend as well.

    Paterfamilias was away on business when the 4th birthday for one of our grandchildren rolled around. I wasn't going to go until my son hinted that it would be really special if I came, that a 4th birthday was a big deal for this child. So I packed my bags and got on a flight.. And when I arrived, my granddaughter took my hand and walked into the house with me. "My house," she told me solemnly, "is your house when you're here." Quite a reward for showing up.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Assuring a grown child’s safety net, one Roth IRA at a time.

    As grown children move into their career-finding years, they don't all prosper equally–in a material sense. Some can use a helping hand; others are doing just fine, thank you very much. So how do you deal with the equity issues that raises? Can you hand out needed cash to the one in need and not give an equal amount to the siblings, even if they have no need for it?

    Many families I've talked to about this come to one of two approaches: One is: If you give to one, you give to all. The other: To each according to his or her need. That's the route Paterfamilias and I have followed in our family. Recently, friends told us how that approach played out in their attempts to make sure each child would have an adequate savings base to fall back on–at retirement or if a financial crisis struck.

    Here's what they've done: When each of their three children started to earn money–no matter how little–the parents insisted they open a Roth IRA account. (A Roth IRA is like a super-advantaged IRA. It's funded with after-tax dollars but allows for
    tax-free growth of earnings and withdrawals.)

    In the beginning, the parents helped all three meet the maximum contribution level. Then, as each child prospered–or labored at worthy but low-paying jobs–the parents adjusted their Roth subsidies accordingly. They have not, as yet, discussed the varying contributions they make with their children, but they should–just to avoid any misunderstandings on why the big brother [a social worker] gets lots of help and baby sisters [a lawyer and an investment banker] no longer get any.

    The quick answer is this: They are proud of their son's decision to work with the less-advantaged. They recognize that his work will never pay well and that he does not currently have the wherewithal to put money aside for retirement savings. This is their way of saying, stick with it. We'll help you set up a safety net–with a little assist from a favorable tax law.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Setting a Deadline: When grown children move back home, how long should they stay?

    When her son's business crashed, Sheri invited him and his family–wife, two toddler-aged children–to put it all behind them . She encouraged them to move across the country and into her house until they got back on their feet. Two and a half years ago, they accepted the invitation. They're still living with Sheri.

    "Friends asked me if I put a deadline on it," Sheri says. "Did I tell them they had a few months or a year or something like that?"

    She did not. "If it had been just my son or just my son and daughter-in-law, I might have put a time limit on it. But when there are two children, it's different." Besides, it is not as though they wanted to prolong the stay. As Sheri puts it, "I have sympathy for my daughter-in-law.  Who at 33 wants to come live with your mother-in-law? I have been cognizant of that."

    And then there was Sheri's past history: "My first husband passed away when I was 35 and I had three  children. My parents and my sister were there for me. My mother never said, "We can’t always help you." So there's a unique bond because of what happened. I'm giving  back to my son the way my mother gave to me."

    Even if there were no emotional reasons, hard economic times make it trickier to set a deadline. And certainly, Sheri's son and daughter-in-law faced harsh times, moving as they did from the fire of Florida into the frying pan of California–two states that have suffered inordinately from the economic downturn. Besides, Sheri wanted her son to not just get a job but a career-line job. "I told him to take time to get his feet on the ground," she says. "You can't put a time limit on that."

    In a few months, the family of four will be moving to a rented house an hour's drive from Sheri's. Both adults now have good jobs. Although there were difficult times and Sheri is looking forward to having her house, her husband and her life to herself again, she is not sorry she did it. Friends badgered her about not setting a time limit, but she doesn't see why she should have. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was uncomfortable. But she had a goal in mind–not just employment but good employment–for her son and her daughter-in-law. And she was fortunate enough to have the means to afford the luxury of time it took for her son to get back on his feet. She can count the 2 1/2 years but she has never toted up the cost of the gift in terms of money. Do her other children? That's another issue.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Money Matters: Who pays for what when the kids move back home

    When Shari's son, daughter-in-law and two children moved into her house, they had, financially speaking, nothing. The cookie business they started together had failed–despite infusions of money from the family. So when Shari and her husband Hal opened their home as a refuge–"a lifeline" she calls it–money was an issue. "We could have subsidized their rent," Shari says of the decision to have the family move in with her, "but their needs were so far above and beyond that. They needed food, medical insurance, car insurance, clothes–the works." Shari and Hal were fortunate to have the wherewithal to pick up the tab for the big things, but what to do about "walking around money" while the son and daughter-in-law were job hunting?

    At first, the four adults held Sunday night meetings: to go over any unmet needs or frustrations; to keep Shari and Hal up to date on job interviews and other employment prospects. Once it became clear what some of the day-to-day cash needs were, Hal came up with a plan. Every Monday morning they would leave Shari's son a check that was big enough to cover lunches, car fare, outings with the kids, other incidentals for both the son and his wife. That way, the younger couple wouldn't have to ask every time they needed something. This was important to Shari: "Money can be very divisive," she says. "It can be a wedge." She didn't want her son to feel demeaned by his circumstances, that he had to ask his Mommy for money to meet a friend for lunch or take his kids to the movies. And there was this: she didn't want either her son or daughter-in-law to rush into a job that wasn't on a career path.

    It helps when you can afford to be as generous as Shari and Hal were. But the important point, to me, was not so much how much they could give and how many bills they could cover, but the open way they communicated. Talking things out–being up front about even the most personal money issues–can ease a tricky financial situation. And for Shari, setting a clear goal–jobs for her children that were on a career path–helped her formulate a plan she could live with and not resent.

  • PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

    Share the Wealth: To help our children now or to leave a legacy later?

    Paterfamilias and I have been incredibly lucky. We've had good jobs and rewarding careers–to the point where we have been able to set aside enough padding for our retirement–and a little bit more. It's that "little bit more" than wiggles and jiggles inside my brain and bank account.

    If we have "a little bit more," why not share it with our grown children in the here and now? Not to spoil them but to step in when there's a crisis or a need. And to let hem know in advance that should they need help, we've got their back. If we can afford it. We see nothing wrong in that. But recently, I've been doing some research on the question and that has raised some doubts about how good a practice this is.

    One book by a psychologist suggests that to keep on offering money both spoils grown children and infantilizes them. It's a way to control the kids by keeping the apron strings tied to money. He suggests we who offer cash are suffering from affluenza, that our financial parenting has run amok.

    I took all that to heart, but then i read an online story that interviewed several psychologists who all tsk-tasked the idea of helping kids out with money. When questioned about their own personal practices, however, all admitted to being guilty of helping out or indulging their grown children.

    is this a case where common sense and best psychiatric advice differ?

    And does it all come down to what we're comfortable with, what makes sense for our particular children and their behavior. If they aren't dependent and don't make constant demands and suggest they expect your help indefinitely, then why not help out on an as-needed basis? Isn't this a case of no harm no foul?