PenPenWrites

PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Surviving Holiday Feasts: Getting the help you need

11/25/2024

At a coffee with my friend C a week before Thanksgiving, she put her head in her hands and said, "I'm already tired." Now, C's husband does most of the Thanksgiving cooking but C does the cold dishes plus all the prep work–the constant shopping trips to supermarkets and farm markets and cleaning the house and the chef's spills–plus she sets up the table to accommodate a dozen guests (including two toddlers and one newborn), searches out the requisite number of plates and chairs for the crowd then arranges flowers and greens to beautify the table and the living room. Her bottom line: why couldn't her son and daughter-in-law take over the next holiday meal? They have a bigger house and more room for guests who are under five.

She is not alone in her forward thinking. In a November column Caroline Hax reported that she had just been on a video call with "multiple middle-aged women who all would preempt the holidays for exhaustion recovery."

Personally, I handed over the Thanksgiving dinner "privilege" to my DIL (and son) several years ago. It was for practical reasons having to do with travel. But, whether it's practicalities or exhaustion, there comes a time when we pass the torch. In doing so we may find our kids simplify the festivities or change things up in a fun way. Our beloved traditions–the way we cooked the turkey; the heirlooms we used to set the table–may take hits but the world is changing and maybe the next generation's new way will take root and become a tradition.

A newsletter from Axios a week before Thanksgiving noted four ways to the week "a little less stressful and a little more joyful" –without veering too far from tradition or handing over the reins. Here they are:

Shortcuts are fine — and delicious. Store-bought pies and dinner rolls are great, canned cranberry sauce is a classic, and Butterball even has a new cook-from-frozen turkey that comes pre-brined, so all you need to do is unwrap it and cook it.

Make it up! Don't feel limited by the traditional Thanksgiving lineup. If there's a side dish you often prepare and that feels easy and comfortable, add it to your menu. Tweak tradition.

Summon the troops! Whether you throw a BYOB dinner, ask guests to bring appetizers, or put them in charge of reheating the sides, lean on them to make your job easier. If you're a guest, ask what you can bring or if you're needed in the kitchen during crunch time.

Focus on the fun. If you're hosting Thanksgiving, there's probably one or two things about it that you especially like — maybe that's roasting the juiciest turkey, making a favorite family dish or decorating the table. Put extra care into the parts of Thanksgiving that make you happy, and use tips and tricks to get through the rest.

Hope these tips help ease your way. Happy Holidays.

painting: Cezanne
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Surviving Thanksgiving Togetherness: 5 boundaries to keep the family in line during the “holidays”

11/19/2024

Here they come again: The holidays and their feasts. As parents of adult children (and possibly as grandparents as well) we have our expectations of how joyous Thanksgiving dinner or the long weekend of togetherness will be–or how stressful and difficult. Whether we're hosting or another family member is, our grown children have their concerns too and they might be very different from ours. One thing we've got in common, though, is the need to set boundaries–about how much time we'll spend together, what are appropriate topics to discuss at dinner and how to deal with overly personal questions. No one wants to be asked how much weight they've gained or why their face looks so tired.

Psychotherapists suggest that setting a few boundaries ahead of time can help keep the celebrations wherever they take place pleasant and peaceful. In that spirit and hope, here are five suggested ways on how to work those boundaries into your family get-together. They are paraphrased and edited from this article in Bustle.

1. Set Conversation Limits: Talk around the table or pre- or post- dinner can turn tense when politics, religion, money or queries about the love life of a family member arise. Set limits on what's permissible and if anyone objects, remind them that everyone is here for a happy visit and we want everyone to have a good time. "Framing it as beneficial to them might inspire them to be more understanding."

2. Personalize Time Limits: Thanksgiving and the Christmas Holidays often come with various other family events or parties. It's easy to get overwhelmed, burnt out or stretched thin. So, decide how much time and energy you’re willing to allot to family events — and stick to it. The same goes true for understanding how much time and energy your adult kids want to expend.

3. Prepare Newcomers: If your kids (or you) are bringing a new partner or a guest, remind them to fill the newcomer in on family dynamics and traditions–things like dress code, topics of discussion and sleeping arrangements. The more you share with them, the smoother things will go.

4. Pre–Script Retorts: If you know the awkward questions specific family members might ask, be prepared with simple answers, such as "Thanks for asking, but I’m focusing on enjoying dinner.” Or if you know some family members are likely to comment on other family members' (or your) weight, body shape and/or eating habits, you can be prepared with a universal rejoinder, such as "Please do not comment on anyone's body.”

5. Take a Break: All of us need a breather when we're surrounded by more people and for longer times than we're used to. Give yourself permission to step away if you start feeling overwhelmed–and recognize that your adult kids, grandkids or other family members may have the same need. No need to take their stepping away personally.

painting: Norman Rockwell
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Observation: An early 20th Century philosopher’s take on parents and their grown children

11/13/2024

We cling to the joy we remember from our early child-rearing days "in the hope of sucking vigour from its vitality." Thus wrote Philosopher and Logician Bertrand Russell in his essay, "How to Grow Old."

The early 20th century "influencer" didn't stop there. He also touched on parents and their relationship to their grown children, writing nearly a century ago:

When your children are grown up they want to live their own lives, and if you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them … I do not mean that one should be without interest in them, but one's interest should be contemplative and, if possible, philanthropic, but not unduly emotional.

He amplified his point about the personal dangers of being overly involved in our adult children's lives, and much of what he had to say–maintain your own interests; don't live your life around your children's lives–resonates today.

As to the dangers of not weaning ourselves from our day-to-day involvement in our adult children's lives, he wrote in his stiff and arch-like British prose:

But if you are one of those who are incapable of impersonal interests, you may find that your life will be empty unless you concern yourself with your children and grandchildren. In that case you must realise that while you can still render them material services, such as making them an allowance or knitting them jumpers, you must not expect that they will enjoy your company.

Russell was never one to sugarcoat anything, no less the parenting of adult children.

You can find even more about Russell's musings in this MSN essay What Do Adult Children Owe Their Parents?

painting: Bonnard, The Conversation.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Great expectations on gifts for new grandkids

10/25/2024

A friend, C, called this morning. Distraught. Needing to vent. She was upset about expectations for a gift for a second grandchild who is due in a few months. On a visit to her son and family over the weekend, C and her co-grandparent (D) had made an offer to their son and his wife: They would buy the basic room furnishings–crib and dresser–for the new baby, as they had for the first grandchild.

The son was appreciative, and the next day sent C a link to bed and dresser for their 4-year-old son–on the theory that the new baby would inherit the crib and dresser from their brother.

So far, so good–until my friend C opened the link. The bed and dresser were roughly five times what she and the grandpop thought they would spend as a gift–certainly, it was much more than the crib set they had sent as a gift four years earlier. True, there's been inflation and a bed and dresser for a young boy are more expensive than a crib and dresser for a baby. But my friend was outraged, in part at her son's expectations but also at the high-priced furniture he and his wife had chosen.

C is from the Midwest, born into a working-class family where money was tight and the idea of a gift for an adult child was a non-starter. She admits her background colors the way she sees things. That said, she was stunned not only at the high price of the furniture but its cost in light of the upcoming expenses her son and his family faced for a new baby.

C told me that she and the grandpop had agreed that they couldn't afford the furniture the son and his wife had chosen and that they would instead offer a cash gift to be used for furniture or other expenses. This seemed like a reasonable and fair compromise. But then she went further: She wants to sit her son down and tell him his expenses are too high and that he has to trim down his choices for such items as a new bed and dresser for the older grandchild.

Does that cross a line? In today's world of parenting grown children, unless we the parents are asked to contribute in a major way, our adult child's family budget is none of our business. Not only that. Spending habits and pressures have changed since our generation and that may be why what seems a value issue ("They bought too expensive a house!") is more likely a financial fact of life. (Housing is more expensive today.)

The share of money going toward essentials like food, housing and medical care has dramatically changed in the past few decades. For instance, when some of us were our parents' young adult children, we didn't have to spend as much on health care, housing or education as young families do today. But we had to fork out more for food, clothing and transportation. This is according to a Washington Post analysis of Consumer Expenditure Survey data. And then, of course, there are costs we never faced: charges for Internet access, wi-fi, cell phones and all the accouterments of the modern digital age.

After C vented, she backed off the idea of intruding into her son's financial affairs. After all, it wasn't as though he and his wife were behind in mortgage payments, not paying utility bills or failing to provide food for the family. There were no red flags that would invite an intervention. It's just hard sometimes to sit back and watch our kids spend their money in ways we would not. But budgeting is an exercise in setting priorities. They have theirs and they may not be ours.

Painting: Vincent Van Gogh, The Blue Room
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Grandparenting: Offering parenting advice to an adult child and family.

10/15/2024

Our kids are having kids. We have grandkids! Such good news. But what happens when we believe our children are taking a wrong tack in parenting those children?

We know–or, if we've read any advice columns on the topic, should know–that the answer is, we keep our mouths shut. There are two important caveats to that rule. One is if there's abuse–physical or emotional. The other is, if our child asks us for our advice.

This latter exception can get complicated. We don't want to barge in (even with the door open) and tell the young parents what they're doing wrong or how we did it differently or better.

Here are some approaches (edited for brevity) from Ask Sahaj on how to respond if your child (let's say, a daughter) is struggling with parenting and asks you for advice:

Point One:

You want to let her know you are on her side, saying something enpathetic like. "You’re doing your best, and I see that.” Or responding to her emotional needs by focusing on her feelings, “What are you feeling right now?” Or, “It sounds like you are stuck and feel alone in this. What do you think will help you right now?”

Point Two:

Sometimes when people ask for advice, they might be seeking validation or help understanding the problem they are having. Clarify what she really needs from you by asking her, “I want to help you in whatever way is best for you. Would you like to hear my observations or would you like to vent about what’s going on?” You may even add, “If you aren’t sure what you need right now, maybe I can ask more questions to help us problem solve.”

Point Three:

If she wants to hear what you really think, consider naming your hesitation by saying something like, “I want to be honest since you are asking me to do so, but I worry that this will be hard to hear, and I don’t want to say anything to upset you.” When it’s time to give your honest opinion, be careful not to make blanket, judgmental statements (i.e. you’re always impatient!) and instead focus on specifics using I-statements to express what you’ve observed rather than making assumptions. This can sound like, “I know I don’t see everything, but I have noticed that you’ve been quick to get annoyed with the baby.”

To all of this Sahaj adds that it can help the young parent in your life to share a story about your own parenting struggles or something you read recently from an expert that's on point.

painting: by Berthe Morisot
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

On Estrangement: Joshua Coleman’s counsel on reconciling with an adult child

10/07/2024

What could be more painful than a deep and long-lasting rift with one's adult child? How does one bridge that gap?

Joshua Coleman, a practicing psychologist who also researches estrangement preaches reconciliation. A key point he makes for parents in search of such a solution is for the parent to step up and make amends:

Parents are often confused by this recommendation, believing that making amends is the same as completely endorsing the child’s perspective. While sometimes that is required, more often amends should be viewed as a starting point; a frank recognition that there is something deeply wrong in the relationship with the parent that needs addressing.

How to go about it? Here's what Coleman advises his patients:

I encourage them to write a letter stating, “I know you wouldn’t have cut off contact unless you felt like it was the healthiest thing for you to do.” I say this because it’s true from the adult child’s perspective — even if not from the parent’s — and because it communicates the parent’s wish to understand and heal the distance.

…Yet, even if the cause of the estrangement lies more in the child than the parent, amends are still necessary from the parent to begin a conversation of repair. You don’t have to agree with your child to make amends. It’s about humility, not humiliation. While I don’t presume that a child’s perspective on their parent is accurate, I also don’t assume that a parent’s perspective on their child is either. We all have our blind spots.

For those interested in Coleman's line of thinking, his newest book is “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.”

credit: painting by Bonnard
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Observation: Living within the limits of being a mother-in-law

09/25/2024

I was lucky. My husband didn't get along with his mother but I did. She didn't interfere (as my mother did) and, unlike most women of her generation (my mother, again) she never had a negative word to say about my pursuit of a career. Not that I sought her out as a confidant. But neither did I see her as an enemy or rival–or someone to be avoided. I was fortunate and so, I guess, was she.

What happens when we're not so lucky? When our child's chosen life partner doesn't like us–or makes themselves scarce whenever we appear at the door. Or sets limits on visiting hours. Or keeps us at a distance in myriad ways small and large.

This was an issue for a Carolyn Hax reader who wrote that his wife, who had had a challenging relationship with his parents (who were difficult and needed to be kept at a distance) was now struggling with boundaries set by their son and his wife. More specifically, as the reader/writer put it, the young couple were "limiting contact, contacting her on their schedule, etc. My wife … complains incessantly to me that she does not hear from our son and daughter-in-law as often as she’d like, which would be multiple times a day. We do hear from them every week or so."

Hax beat right to the heart of the matter. What was past with the reader's parents was past. Today is what matters. Yes, the reader and his wife may feel hurt that the son and his wife don't call as often as they (the parents) would like–but they call. Maybe contact with the couple is circumscribed. But–and here Hax lays it on the line–it's up to the parents to comply with limits their adult children set. As Hax put it:

If you are on the cold side of a boundary, then there’s no better argument than to Back! Off! ….Respect for the couple’s space is the only answer.

credit: L. Saint Fleurant, Mother and Children

(I'll be addressing this issue again, in particular when it goes from the relatively benign (our adult child doesn't call often enough) to the truly malignant (our adult child no longer speaks to us). Psychologist Joshua Coleman has a book on the topic, "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.” I'll sum up some of his points, but I can tell you–reader alert–that we the parents don't get an easy pass when it comes to the healing part.)
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Grandparenting: Fun and games with grannie names

09/18/2024

When I first learned I was going to become a grandma, I panicked. I told myself, "I'm not old enough to be called that." I was. I had already passed into my 60s.

Much of my discomfort was with the aura around the name Grandma. This was also true for the person who was about to be called Grandpa. That's why we designed our own names, and we—and our grandkids—have lived happily with them. (I'm PenPen; he was BaPa.)

Recently I came across a piece by Linda Wolff that had fun with the names we grandmas choose to be called by our grandkids. Here's a taste of what she had to say (and a link to the rest of it):

Mimi: The name originates in the south though it oozes with French flare. Closest to mommy and might be confusing , but that's what therapy is for. Essentially Meemaw, but with more “Je ne sais quoi.” Mimis will have everyone (the kids, the dog, the neighborhood stray cat) eating out of your manicured hands. Shopkeepers will keep you on speed dial when your little Ella’s mini G-wagon rolls in.

Gigi: You’re not a regular grandma, you’re a cool grandma. You prefer Peach Bellinis to Kale Smoothies and relish the fact you allow the kidlets to nom nom chicken nuggets in your bed. You can be found prancing around town behind one of those new-fangled strollers. You dispense all your Gigi wisdom to future grandmas during mahjong and are famous for developing a Genovian accent every time you return from summers in Positano. You never turn on the white noise machine for the kidlets when you babysit. Who needs it when you’ve got the dulcet tones of Fluffy, your snoring Goldendoodle?

Yaya: Like a warm summer breeze, you’re probably sunning in Mykonos instead of watching your baby’s babies. That’s ok, this will remind them to accept your offer to vacation together the next time you offer them a plane ticket. First class only, of course.

Lili, Lala, Cookie, Babka: You’re wise beyond your years and have come to the conclusion that the baby will call you whatever it damn well pleases based on whatever they can pronounce. So you just keep bringing tins of cookies and whisper “I’m your favorite” as you rock little Ceecee into sweet slumber.

painting: Frida Kahlo
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Empty Nest: Support for the college-dropoff blues

09/09/2024

My yoga teacher is a single mom. She dropped her only child off at college a few weeks ago. The daughter is a freshman and this is the first prolonged time away from home. My yoga teacher came back a day after the drop-off with bouyant tales of the move-in, the roommate, the campus. This week she and a student who'd been absent from class for several months–a dad who dropped his child off for freshman week at college two weeks ago–commiserated with each other after class. I was busy rolling up my yoga mat and putting my props away but I overheard talk of the sadness each felt. "We–you and your wife–should get together," my yoga teacher said. "We have to support each other."

There has always been a sadness–mixed with positive excitement–when our kids leave home and the nest is empty. And now, it seems, there's a lot more reaching out for support–or acknowledging that we need support. Is it different from the days–a generation or more ago–when we dropped our kids off and came home to an empty and eerily silent house? Evidently it is today in that we the parents are not keeping our woes bottled up inside and at home.

A recent Axios newsletter reported the following tidbits about the current state of empty nest adjustment:

Many first-year college students from different states, backgrounds and majors have one thing in common: stressed-out parents struggling with the separation.

Parents are using tech to track their kids, micromanaging orientation week and even having dorm sleepovers.

As to the support side of the equation, Axios reports:

Parents' stress is on display in online forums and Facebook groups, where parents are asking questions and offering emotional support to one another.

On these online groups and forums parents ask about minute-to-minute details of orientation, for advice from other parents for advice on their kids' roommate woes and where to shop for basic toiletries.

The "good news" on this support network: If we're turning to Facebook groups or making dates with friends to talk about our worries and separation issues that may mean we're not bugging our kids. Go Class of 2028!

painting: Renoir, "Oarsmen at Chatou"
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Vacation Togetherness: Seven tips to keep a get-away with grown kids running smoothly

08/26/2024

'Tis almost the end of the season to revel in summer vacations with our grown kids and possibly grandkids. It's also the start of thinking about next year or a winter-holiday getaway with the kids.

So, here's an underlying truth to think about. Whether we're paying all or some of the tab, traveling to an exotic place, staying put in a beach or ski house or setting up tents in the great outdoors, we go into our vacations with high hopes: Everyone will enjoy being with each other. Everyone will be on their best behavior–we're all relaxed and on vacation, right?

We know there's a flaw in the logic. Everyone–our kids, their significant others, the grandkids, the whoever-elses included in our family vacation–brings themselves not some new iteration of themselves. Grownup brothers with gripes going back to their childhood may still get ticked off at a minor slight; boisterous grandkids may be irritating as 5:00 rolls around and we're ready to nurse a glass of wine.

We can't control others. We can, though, take some tips from various experts on how to keep the family togetherness as pleasurable as possible.

Space Out: Buy as big a tent (or several), rent as many hotel rooms or as capacious an Airbnb as you can afford. That leaves everyone–and I'm thinking of myself here–room to escape from whatever irritant is around.

Lower the Temperature: Steer clear of touting the vacation as the greatest opportunity to see the world or to have a fantastic family reunion. Keep expectations on the down-low. This is especially true if you're splurging on a pricey vacation. As one clinical psychologist put it in a NYTimes story, we may feel like our family members are "going to reward our efforts and our money spent with good behavior." They are not.

Build in Alone Time: Although we love our children, grandchildren and assorted relatives, we also need downtime without them. Many of us are no longer used to being surrounded by lots of people all day long. We need to take a walk, go out for tea or a beer, or find a quiet place to read or just plain think.

Spread the Planning Around: Check with everyone–including the grandkids–on what they'd like to do on any given day (or in planning the vacation). Even if their wishes can't be met, everyone is likely to feel better if they've had a voice in a plan.

Opt Out: As we get older we may have to be more realistic about what we can do physically. As the NYTimes story put it, "Halfway up a steep set of cathedral stairs isn't a great time to realize some travelers should have passed on the outing." Not that we have to be stay behind. One friend who's recuperating from a pulled hamstring says she went with everyone to the foot of a mountain trail her kids and grandkids were going to climb. But she brought along a book and found a shaded spot to wait for their return and tales of their adventure.

Be Prepared: It's not just physical limits that need to be taken into account–so do such realities as stroller policies, the availability of bathrooms and alternative transportation. That is, check on the availability and costs of cabs, Uber/Lyft and other means of making a side trip easier on and more comfortable for everyone.

Account for Costs: Before anyone steps into their car, onto a plane or hauls themselves onto a cruise ship, all adults should know in advance who's paying for what–or, if we're picking up the tab, what's included in our largesse.

This is not my first post on vacation togetherness. I've written about these and similar issues here and here and here.

painting: Travel Jetty at Trouville, Eugene Boudin