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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Holidays with Grown Children: More on that outsider feeling

01/05/2012

Christmas dinner at his daughter's house: Dick was surrounded by his wife, grandchildren, son-in-law, stepsons and their families. What could be warmer and nicer for the holidays? For those of us at a certain age, plenty.

Dick says that as everyone moved from the living room to the dining room for dinner, he sat down on the sofa and brooded. Am I still needed? he asked himself. As a business man (retired but doing volunteer work with a small business advisory group), Dick had been there to advise his son, son-in-law, daughter, and stepsons on their career moves–on getting started, on moving up the corporate or other ladders. Now that they were well on their way, they had reached a point where they knew more about where they were than he did. Never good at small talk, he felt left out of the general chit chat going back and forth between and among his grown children. "I didn't see where I fit in. I wouldn't say I felt irrelevant. I would say I felt almost irrelevant."

To put in perspective the feelings that flooded him that Christmas night, Dick says it has been harder to take than some of the physical diminishments he has experienced as he has gotten older–no longer having the same endurance or strength he had as a 60-year-old man who rode his bike for 50 miles or more on a Sunday outing. Illness and age have taken a toll (20 miles is the new comfort level). But he says he feels that diminishment of strength less keenly than the loss of his role as the wise head of a many-branched family. As far as he is concerned, the grownchildren have outgrown their need for his advice. "I brought them up to be independent," he says. And now they are.

Who knew success would feel so empty?
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Holidays with Grown Children: That outsider feeling

01/02/2012

The December holidays are filled with warm, fuzzy feelings: parents and their grown children get together to pay homage to cherished family traditions. There may be minor blowups and some discord, but the family is together again and that counts for a lot.

Then there comes a time in the life of almost every family when those traditions shift their ground, when our grown children start building their own family traditions with their homes and families at the center. And that can bring on a quietly sad trauma for us, the parents of grown children.

Here's one example of what I'm talking about:

Sam moved to Oregon 40 years ago–alone. None of his east coast family moved with him–not his mother, father, sisters or cousins. Sam married a west coaster and had one child, a daughter, who is now grown. Last year, she married a Portland man–a man whose family is three generations deep in that city. And that's what is making the holidays so difficult for Sam. In year's past, Sam, his wife and daughter came east for the holidays. They spent time with his sister and nephews in New York City, visited the tree in Rockefeller Center, window shopped the department store's Christmas extravaganzas and cooked Christmas dinner together. This year, his daughter, in the flush of her first year of marriage, invited her new Portland family and her parents to her house for a holiday dinner. Goodbye trip to New York and visits to all the cousins and nephews.

Sam's daughter decorated her house with garlands and tinsel. Made a good dinner for her first time at entertaining a lot of people. Sam's son-in-law's family was there by the dozens, people he barely knew. And that was the sad trauma for Sam. "It was the worst feeling in the world," he says, "to be a guest in my daughter's house and feel like an outsider."

Time and acquaintance may soften the feeling, but as our grown children put down roots with other families, we no longer make the holiday decisions or impose the traditions–regardless of how warm and cozy they felt for oh so many years.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Emerging Adults: What are those 20-somethings thinking?

12/28/2011

Grown children in their 20s are a parenting challenge–not as challenging as adolescents. But still, they can be prickly and difficult. We think they're adults and they are, but they are stil going through stages of emotional growth and change. It may be hard for us to remember what was running around in our heads when we were their age.

I was reminded of this in a post on Nathan Bradford's blog. Bradford is a former book agent whose blog is about getting your book written and published (if you're in that category, check out his blog: it's excellent.] He's also a young man who just reached his 30s and in one of his posts, he wrote about his reaction to two movies–when he saw them in his early 20s and then when he saw them when he turned was 30. And that's where he layed it all out–the change in the workings of the maturing mind.

The movies in question were "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset." Here's his description of those movies: "In the first, "Before Sunrise," … two early-twenty-somethings [Jesse) and Celine] meet on the train from Budapest to Vienna. Jesse has one night before his plane leaves back for America and he convinces Celine to spend the night with him wandering around Vienna, where they talk about life, love, dreams, everything. "Before Sunset,"…picks up after [an] intervening nine years. Now in their thirties, Jesse and Celine walk around Paris before Jesse has to fly back to the US, and this time they're dealing with the weight of real adulthood and exude a palpable sense of nostalgia and regret."

In the first movie, Bradford writes that the two characters capture the magical feeling of the rush of falling in love and of being with someone who excites you. The second is about testing the strength of that brief connection.

And here are Bradford's insights into his own maturing:

"The first time I watched these movies… I was in my early twenties and still in the exciting early days of a relationship. Of the two movies I naturally identified most strongly with "Before Sunrise."…I was roughly the same age as the characters, the world seemed full of endless possibilities, and my future was so excitingly uncertain.

At the time, "Before Sunset" struck me as poignant but also incredibly, almost needlessly sad. The characters were stressed and intense and (SPOILER) stuck in loveless relationships and thinking about what might have been if things had just unfolded differently on the platform six months after they first met.

But now, at age 31, I re-watched the movies at a vastly different place in my life and it was like watching completely different movies.

Now "Before Sunrise" was an exercise in nostalgia, remembering how intense conversations felt at that age, the sense of adventure, and the brave early twenties naivety of thinking life will be completely easy because we are the special ones, at long last, that truly get how the world really works.

And now it's "Before Sunset" that I identify with the most, not least of which because it turns out, like Jesse, that this year I was having a novel come out at the same time that I was starting a new life with some of the same weighty thoughts of what might have been. …

That intense melancholy of "Before Sunset" that I once found almost maudlin is something I now see all around me in my peers. It's the quarter-life crisis of reaching a certain point in your life just by doing the right thing and hitting the right benchmarks of college, first job, dating, marriage, before inevitably being beset by forces outside of your control. There's a sense of wandering and uncertainty that sets in when you begin to face the weight of major decisions and choosing the right relationship (or not) or sensing you're in the wrong career.

Your early twenties are the time when you think you have everything figured out; at some point before the end of that decade you realize that you don't."

What Bradford has to say is, for me, an important guidepost for parenting grown children–in that it reminds me of what it is like to be that age, and how we, as parents, would do well to factor that into the way we deal with our grown and still-growing children.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: The place where a few grandparent bucks have a big bang

12/22/2011

Those of us who came of age during the greatest economic expansion of the 20th century are now near to retiring or we're already there. We may no longer be earning top dollar but many of us have put away money, earned pensions, established 401k accounts, and are otherwise well-padded for retirement–padded enough that we look at the economy our grown children are dealing with and wonder how we can help with the fiscal challenges that lie ahead for them.

All of which is a long way of saying, some of us are in the position to and would like to give our grown children some pecuniary peace of mind by lifting a small burden here and there. For those of us with grandchildren, one easy-lifting spot is putting money aside for our grandchildren's college education. We don't have to take on the whole burden–who knows how grand a sum it will be a decade or two from now or whether they'll get a scholarship of some sort. But we can contribute.

It's easy enough to set aside money in our own account or set up a separate account with a grandchild's name on it. But a 529 adds a tax bennie to such savings. The money comes out of our taxable estate and, once in the 529, it multiplies [hopefully, it does not shrink] tax free. There is no tax due on it when it's withdrawn–so long as your grandchild withdraws it for education purposes. If your son or daughter has already set up a 529 savings plan, you can contribute. You can even get special coupons to do it on your own. Or you can set one up yourself for each grandchild you choose to help. Setting up a 529 yourself gives you more control over the money. If you find you need the cash after all–for, say, unexpected desire to take a trip around the world–or you change your mind (that grandchild turned out to be an ungrateful wretch) you can ask for the money back, though you'll pay a tax and 10 percent penalty on the withdrawal. But still, it's a way to help out unobtrusively–and give your grown kids some relief about the burdens that lie ahead.

Here's a link to an easy-to-follow briefing on 529s. It's called "15 Facts All Parents Should Know About 529 Plans." And another one that answers a lot of questions grandparents might have.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Name Calling: Are Mom and Dad honorific titles or something special?

12/13/2011

The name Mom or Dad is loaded. It's what our children called us when they were small and what they continue to call us–or some variation of that name. So it can create a little ball of hurt to hear a son call his mother-in-law Mom or hear a daughter call her father-in-law, Dad. For some of us, it's just the surprise of the moment–then we get over it. After all, we know who's who. But some of us take it more to heart, as a recent Dear Abby letter suggests.

To a Mom who wrote that she resented hearing her son call his mother-in-law mom in front of his very own mother, Abby writes: "Let it go. Your son was probably calling [his mother in law] "Mom" because he had been asked to do so. ("'Sonny,' we're family now. Please call me 'Mom.'") It would not, however, be confrontational to tell your son that hearing him do it was hard to swallow."

I can see letting it go. But bringing it up with the son or daughter? I'm not sure about that, and neither is Susan Adcox at About./com's Grandparents. She makes the very sensible suggestion of letting it go, period. "Friction with a daughter-in-law is one of the swiftest routes I know to becoming estranged from a son. Having a son with two moms is much better than having no son at all."

One of her readers added this point: "I believe my sons call their MIL’s by their first name, as my DIL’s call me. I do know though that it seems whichever Mom you are, you are only entitled to agree or there’s trouble."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Vacationing Togetherness: Two rules for avoiding friction

12/09/2011

She's become a veteran at this: hosting her grown children and their families at the villa she rents in Tuscany. We won't go into how some people are really lucky about their vacation deals–she teaches Italian and needs to keep her skills fresh; he's a successful businessman [retired] and can afford to indulge this form of refreshment. Over the years of visits by grown children, other relatives, myriad friends and acquaintances, she has learned how to handle the extended [more than one night] visit.

Her first house rule for her children–two sons, each with a wife and two children–is simple: Keep 'em busy.

Before anybody arrives, she makes the daily plans. When they get there, she shares. Here's her rationale: "We never want a day when they can say, what are we going to do today? Or a day when they are just going to sit around the house and swim in the pool all day. I hand them a calendar when they arrive. It shows them what the plan is for each day. If they don't want to do it, they know in advance what's coming. We can negotiate and make another plan. Of course, they tend to stay with what I'm planning since I go with them and I'm the only one who speaks Italian. That makes it a lot easier for them to take trains to visit other cities, go out to lunch, understand the guided tour at the aquarium in Genoa."

Second house rule: visits are one family at a time: serial visits only, never together.

Her rationale: Too many opportunities for sibling rivalry, resentments over child-rearing practices and misunderstandings among family members. Besides, two sons, two daughters-in-law and four grandchildren would be too many people to get moving in one direction at a specified time.

How do her kids take to this? One comes every year for a week. The other has made the trek to Italy only twice in six years. Their choice.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Grandparenting: Getting away with grandkids in faraway places.

12/06/2011

When our Grands reach school age, their parents–our grown children–may be willing to let them take a trip with us. One friend took her 11-year-old granddaughter to Paris. She made a deal with her: She would make sure the granddaughter could get the comfort food of her choice at dinner every night [plain pasta with butter]. In exchange, the little traveler had to be game to go to the museum or event of choice each day. It worked–there was hardly any whining. Also helpful: a midday return to the hotel for a wee bit of rest.

Another friend, who babysits one afternoon a week, was allowed by her son and daughter-in-law to take those Grands [ages 10 and 13] to the Galapagos this summer. Those one-afternoon-a week visits gave her a certain familiarity (with eating habits, personality ticks) and comfort with her grands–and they with her. Here's her report on the trip:

"There's a family history here. When my son graduated from college, his dad said he would take him on a trip to anywhere in the world. My son chose Galapagos, and they still talk about their trip with great nostalgia. As for my trip, I am on a "if not now, when!" kick. My husband [the granddad] couldn't go–nor did I want him to.

My grandboys are real animal/nature enthusiasts, and they're getting to an age, especially the 13-year old, when they may not be so thrilled to travel with the old grandma much longer.

They are very good travelers, not spoiled and not demanding and I knew that it would work out. They were much easier to travel with than their grandpa: No moaning and groaning, no frantic searches for bathrooms, no demands for attention, they can walk long distances–you get the picture.

They did go to bed earlier than I would have wished, and it meant that I would often go to bed early. (Come on guys, it's only 8:30! By the time I brushed my teeth and came back to the room, they were sleeping.) I was able to read, but how much reading in bed can one do without falling asleep! Then I would wake up too early while they slept on. But that's a minor point.

It's a vigorous trip. It's not for the halt and lame, though there were people on our boat who were overweight and not fleet of foot who managed well enough. To see the animals and birds in their natural habitats, totally unaware and unafraid of humans, was glorious. The boys each had their own cameras, birthday gifts I gave them last year when I knew we'd be going, and that was a big plus. Their photos are better than mine.

We were on a boat that carried 100 people, extremely well organized so there was no waiting, comfortable enough (we were three to a room), great food. We were on the boat for four nights and had five days of island hopping. I think 5 or 6 days would have been better, though we certainly saw a lot.

Now we've got that trip to talk about and reminisce about when we get together. We always find something new to share with my son and husband about what we saw and did–and how things have changed since they went."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Holiday Togetherness: Playing the Thanksgiving football game

12/02/2011

The day after Thanksgiving is a peaceful one. There's no more cooking to be done–it's a leftovers feast. Everyone's following favorite pursuits. At Thanksgiving Central for our family, the three granddaughters were doing something girly-girly together; Alpha daughter and my daughter-in-law were chatting. Outside, Uber son, my grandson, son-in-law and Paterfamilias were tossing the football around. They had some sort of "game" going when I wandered outside, with John, a friend of the family who was spending Thanksgiving with us. We watched them heave the ball around and establish rules for two-handed touch. I suggested we join them.

It was not a universally popular move. John wasn't particularly keen to play but he was game. The four players–PF and SIL on one side, Uber son and grandson on the other–seemed taken aback. Not at John's joining in. What was I doing out there? Since Uber son and the 10-year-old Grand were the "better" team, we joined PF and SIL. PF wasn't happy. He grimaced when, once in the huddle, I suggested a "surprise" move: a running play! He could fake a pass to SIL or John, hand the ball to me and I would run with it.

Ah, to have a photo of the faces of chagrin at my proposal. No. No. The game was all about the pass. But a few plays later, they relented. We ran the play. I took the ball, cradled it close to my midriff, hunched over, turned and started forward. PF tells me I did well–held the ball properly to avoid a fumble and lowered my shoulder to ward off players from the other team. Only I never quite picked up any speed. "You were standing still," is the way PF describes it when my Grand gave me the two-hand tag. A few plays later, when my Grand protested that it was 4 players to 2, I was immediately traded away to his team. He was too polite to protest.

Oh Well. I didn't cross the touchdown line on my running play. Or catch a pass. Or even come close. But I had a great time. So let's score one for the grannie. She got herself out there. Point made.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Holiday Togetherness: Calm, comaraderie and connection in the kitchen

11/30/2011

We arrived for Thanksgiving at Uber Son's house on the Tuesday before the great feast. The idea was to help our daughter-in-law out–make it easier on her by either doing the shopping or watching the Grands or some combination of both. On Wednesday, while the older Grands went off to school, Uber son went to work and Paterfamilias took the laptop to Panera to edit a transcript, my daughter-in-law and I had the kitchen and all that cooking to ourselves–with occasional help from the 3-year-old who puttered around, climbed up on counters and "assisted."

What a perfectly wonderful day it was. All morning and most of the afternoon, my daughter-in-law and I kept each other company while we each prepared our share of the dishes. How companionable it was. We talked about everything and nothing, about how the kids were doing in school, what my son's plans were for the future, how their trip to London had been, how she was composting and what tips I had, and whether she should make her own pie crust [her idea] or use a frozen crust [my favorite shortcut]. We set the table, pre-cut everything for the salads and other side dishes, brined the turkey, pre-baked the stuffing, and finally made the crust and baked a blueberry-cranberry pie and a pumpkin pie.

Three days later, when I called from home to thank her for her gracious hosting of our family's Thanksgiving, she mentioned Wednesday and how nice it had been to spend time together in the quiet calm of the kitchen.

Talk about a Thanksgiving gift. Can't ask for more than that.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Empty Nesting: Life and longing after the Thanksgiving weekend

11/28/2011

It is Monday, the day after the Thanksgiving weekend and colleagues at work are chatting about the holiday–who went where, how long the left-overs lasted and, for those of us of a certain age, what it was like to have the grown kids together again under one roof.

Betty's oldest son traveled home from his first job in another city; the middle son came home from college and the youngest was already in residence–he's still in high school. Here's her take: "It was so great to have everyone under one roof, everyone sleeping in their beds–the normal pattern of life. It's as though all of life we waited to come back to this. I felt like I finally got the right kilter back. I so lamented the break up on Sunday when two of my sons left. They'll probably be back in December for the holidays, but life shouldn't be waiting for these moments."

Kitty had her two children home for the holidays–her daughter home from college; her son back for the weekend from a job on the other coast. Her take: "It was wonderful having them both home–being our little family of four together again. The days are really limited in which we are going to be just the four of us. My son has a girlfriend. I really like her. She's lovely. I bet they'll get married one day. It's what you want for your children. But, from then on it will never be the four of us again."

I also had my family–Uber son, Alpha daughter, their spouses and children–under one roof. Not my roof this time. Uber son's. My take: It was touching to be together, to see my children and their spouses and my Grands reconnect–it has been over a year since we've had everyone together, not only under one roof but in one country. It was also bittersweet. Late on Wednesday night, when Alpha daughter and family arrived, it was heartwarming to see my children reconnect, to see the good feelings flow and hear questions asked and answered about each other's lives. And so bittersweet for Paterfamilias and myself. We were bystanders–watching the action but not really of it. After all, we'd kept up with each family–made it our business to get to Berlin to visit Alpha daughter and kept up on Skype. And we'd traveled to visit Uber son and his family pretty regularly. So we sat and watched the third leg of that family triangle connect–son, daughter, daughter-in-law, son-in-law. Happy to see it, but no longer at the center of it.

It's what Kitty and Betty are sensing lies ahead: Once the family is no longer the snug little four or five of you, the kilter changes forever.