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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Parenting Grown Children: Tips on keeping in touch and keeping that touch personal

04/16/2018

photo: Palo Coleman

For those of us who don't see our adult children on a daily or weekly basis, whose children don't live in the same city, time zone or country, communication can be a challenge.

There's texting. Short and to the point, it's good for details–"I'm de-planing. Meet you at baggage claim in 10 minutes;" "Dad's birthday is tmw–I'm just saying." An emoji–a happy face, rainbow or birthday cake–can add a little flavor, charm or even humor. But texting is not a fulsome means of discussing anything that needs nuance or explaining.

E-mail is a longer form of texting. It feels like there's more space and time to write something meaningful. But like texting, it's flat and tone deaf. Stick in what you think is a witty line or a line of humor and it may come across as a scold.

There have been times when Paterfamilias and I have looked at an email or text from one of our kids and thought, "They're keeping their distance." It ain't necessarily so.

Facebook comments are a form of communication. But here it's parent beware: You may enjoy reading about what your kids are doing and thinking–and of advice they're seeking. But they are seeking it from their peers. There are some adult children who enjoy having their parents join in a discussion, but before you hit that comment box, bear in mind that most adult kids don't want to know their parents are reading along–or feel their parents are monitoring their lives.

That leaves the old-fashioned way: the telephone.

We're told by the experts (generally people younger than we are) that our grown children–whether in their 20s, 30s or 40s–do not answer their phones, preferring to hear messages or texts. We can verify. This is true. But one East Coast dad tells me he pre-arranges phone calls with his West Coast son via text-based appointment. As in, he'll send a text: "Can we talk tmw?" and he'll get a one-liner back setting a time.

The calls–whether it's a straight call, Skype or Facetime–do not lack for emotional tone on your part or theirs (unless one of you is a fine actor). But there are frustrations, especially when both the mom and dad are speaker-phoned on the line or sitting together in front of the Skype or Facetime screen.

Three-ways are a problem. You think you're going down one road with a conversation–maybe you even have an agenda or an issue you want to raise–but then the other parent horns in with a question or comment that takes the conversation in a different direction.

Our East Coast friend says that's the point of the pre-arranged call. It is a one-on-one. His son is calling him and only him. He and his wife–the mom–have a rule that only one parent at a time talks to their son or daughter. It leads to more satisfying conversations and feeling of closeness.

There is one hitch to the East Coast dad's system. Sometimes his West Coast son calls at the pre-arranged time and his wife–the mom–picks up and has a long, lovely conversation with her son while the dad taps his toe in frustration. The rule of the house is sometimes a harsh master.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Bank of Mom and Dad: Five tips for handling gifts or loans to grown kids.

04/05/2018

We are our children's bankers–at least we start off that way. When our children are young and living under our wing, we try to teach them the value of money and how the financial world works. How else will they grow up to make responsible financial decisions.

Despite our best parental advice, they may start their independent lives off fiscally wobbly–wobblier than we were at their age. They may have hefty bills to pay: college and car loans and smart phone services. The world we came to independence in may not jibe with the financial experiences our young adult kids are having today.

All of which begs the question: At what point should we expect our children to be self-sufficient? When does the Bank of Mom and Dad close? It's an emotional as well as financial question.

Financial planners and advisers generally stick to the fiscal side of the equation. So let's do that as well. First up is the question of whether we can afford to keep the bank open. That is, can we help our kids without impoverishing ourselves or stripping our retirement savings. If we clear that hurdle, here are some tips from the experts that we might not have thought about.

Set clear expectations: Have a heart-to-heart with the bank's "client" about what we are prepared to help them with and to what extent. If it's ongoing support, the bankers should set a time limit for how long we'll keep doing this. We might ask them to make a contribution rather than giving them all of what they need.

Act like a banker:If our child went to a real bank to borrow money they would need to disclose their assets, debts, income and expenses so the bank could decide whether to lend or not. No reason why the bank of mom and dad shouldn't do the same. We need to understand why our child is in the situation they are in. If we expect money to be repaid, we need to know how likely it is that this will happen.

Get legal advice for large sums: Payback disputes happen. To avoid them , have a written loan agreement. If your adult child has a partner, there may be legal issues if the relationship ends. Will the loan or gift become relationship property? These are some of the issues that need legal advice.

Consider your other children:They ought to know upfront about what help we are giving their brother or sister and why. Sibling rivalry exists, and your other children can feel deeply hurt by being treated unequally unless they understand the reasons. You can address the equality issue by making adjustments to how you divide your estate, taking into account prior assistance.

Complications if there's a divorce: It's a remote possibility but a possibility nonetheless that if we consistently –that is on, say, an annual basis–gift our child money that improves the family’s lifestyle, it could effect support obligations if the marriage falls apart. In a Canadian case, a judge considered those gifts to be part of the son's income for determining support obligations.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

March for Our Lives: Being there to support kids and grandkids in their cause.

03/28/2018

One of the many things I loved about parenting when my kids were young and living with us was the opening up of new universes based on interests my kids developed. If they got involved in gymnastics–as my daughter did–it was up to us to get her to practices, cheer her on at meets and shuttle her to the orthopedist when the injuries occurred. But we also learned a whole lot about the world of competitive gymnastics. (Fortunately, this was well before the evils of sexual abuse at the elite level surfaced.) It was a fascinating world we never would have known about if our daughter hadn't had her heart set on the Olympics–a desire that faded when she turned thirteen and found she preferred the piano.

I thought back to those days when Paterfamilias (above) and I Metro-ed to Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. to rally for gun control. We were one of the 800,000. We believe fervently in the need to get military weapons off the streets, out of homes and far, far away from schools. But we also felt we were there on behalf of our grandkids–none of whom live in the Washington area.

They were equally–if not more–involved in the issue. They protested and gathered in their own cities with their friends. They didn't need us to show them the way, but we felt we were there for them–supporting them in a cause that effects them on a visceral and immediate level. #EnoughIsEnough.

Plus we got them tee shirts. That's also what grandparents do.

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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Grown Children: Are we parenting them or are they taking care of us?

03/19/2018

Two years ago, a friend's son advised his parents to stop skiing. As a doctor, he'd seen too many broken hips among his older patients; he didn't want his mom and dad to be among them. This year he wanted then to stop bicycling.

A number of our friends say their kids want them to buy new cars with lane-change warnings and other driving aids. Or they don't want their parents to take adventure vacations in less-trod parts of the world.

When we were living in our three-story house on a hill in suburbia, our son had a chat with us. "You guys ought to sell the house," he said, listing lots of positive reasons why we should dump the house where we raised him and his sister. Then in tones that hinted at the deeper core of his message he said, "Then there's the driveway." It's a long one, steep and curving. It's hard to shovel when it snows and treacherous when black ice pools on its lower rungs. He didn't want us to deal with its dangers anymore.

Our kids are not just coming up with reasonable suggestions, they are starting to "worry" about us–just as we worried about them when they were toddlers or fifth graders. Is there a tipping point when our kids become our advisers instead of us being theirs? We clearly do not yet need them to manage our finances or make decisions about our welfare–we're not old or fragile–but we sense the first tilt in the balance of care.

The shift is a subtle part of a continuum. We've gone from being parents who controlled their lives ("No, you may not put your finger in the electric socket.") to ones relegated to advisory. ("Have you checked with another insurance agent?) That's the role we play as they marry and have children of their own: Advisory parents but ready to leap to action if we sense danger, disaster or some other set back. That's what parenting grown children is all about: We sit in the back seat until there's a need or request to grab the wheel.

Now comes this tipping point. They mature, become heads of households, have careers and live multifaceted lives. We are aging as gracefully as we can, staying active but retiring from full-time jobs and unwinding careers. We can't quite keep up on the annual hike to the waterfall; we need a hand to get over some of the rocks. It seems in the nature of things that there would be a subtle switch in who the advisory adult is and who may have to take control if we face unexpected danger, disaster or a minor setback in our health or emotional well being. Should we be so surprised that they worry about us almost as much as we used to worry about them?

Even as we gamely send them selfies of ourselves forging ahead on the bike trail, our kids see us as growing frail. When Paterfamilias told his son a supposedly amusing story of how a pothole almost threw him off his bike, our son's face became a study in shock. We had to admit the story wasn't so funny as much as it was a recognition that we weren't the athletic and well balanced bikers we used to be. But we weren't–and aren't–ready to give up our bike rides. Our children (neither are doctors) aren't suggesting that, either–just that we buy hybrid style bikes that are easier to balance than our thin-wheeled road bikes.

We consider ourselves lucky that our children care enough to take notice. But it's a little like being offered a seat on a crowded bus: A relief to sit down but a shock at being seen as eligible for the offer.

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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

The Bank of Mom and Dad: Who pays your grown child’s rent?

02/27/2018

Surveys on parent-child financial relationships are often run by or at the behest of banks or other financial institutions. They've got a particular reason to understand what's happening financially to the generation that should be forming households and buying homes.

That's what makes this most recent study so interesting. It's by analysts at the New York Times (informed by a data set known as the P.S.I.D. Transition to Adulthood Supplement.) It found that almost half of the people in the data base in their early 20s reported that their parents help them pay their rent. Among those who get help, the average amount is about $3,000 a year.

For some, the dependence stems from difficulties in finding a stable career job. For many others, it's a Big Expensive City issue. Skilled work is increasingly concentrated in high-rent metropolitan areas, and salaries aren't in sync with rents. Help from the Bank of Mom and Dad is a means to staying on the job in order to move ahead.

Some data bits from the study:

The average amount of parental help for the 20-somethings — roughly $250 a month — covers 29 percent of the median monthly housing costs in America’s metro areas.

Twenty-somethings who work in farming, construction, retail and personal services tend to get the least parental assist; those in the art and design fields, the most–an average of $3,600 a year. In part that's because of the high barriers into fields like art, education, health and law.

Young people in metro areas with a million or more people are 30 percent more likely to receive rent money from their parents–almost twice as much money– than those in smaller cities.

In the 1980s, fewer than half of 20-somethings received any parental support; by 2010, nearly 70 percent did.

Living expenses account for only 20 percent of the help that parents give their children. According to the survey, the bulk of the support comes in the form of lump-sum gifts for things like a down payment on a house or capital to start a business.

Little did we know–and a point the survey makes–is that being able to reassure our kids that the Bank of Mom and Dad would be there for them influences the decisions they make–from what to major in in college to the career they choose. It's also a reminder that economic advantages begin at home and continue as kids grow into independence.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Thoughts on Being Thanked: Pen on paper or cellphone text, often or is once enough?

02/12/2018

Some of us don't like our kids or grandkids to thank us via email or text. We'd like our gifts acknowledged the old-fashioned way: with a handwritten note. There's something polite and etiquette-right about pen (or crayon) set on paper–and the time it takes to do so. When young grandchildren embroider those notes with their very own drawings (see above), we're in orbit. But we live in a digital world. Our older grandkids and grown kids are happier using their thumbs to let us know they appreciate a gift we've sent. They're more likely to send a note–full of their immediate enthusiasm–if they can pick up their smartphone and tap it out. It's up to us to decide how "traditional" a reply we're willing to accept. Insistence on tradition may come with a cost–a delay of thanks or a less spontaneous response.

Whether or not we say Yes to the Text, some of us can't be thanked often enough. Sometimes we ask how, say, a grandchild enjoyed a book we sent. And we may ask several times, even though we've already gotten an answer. One grannie defends her practice of asking for thank yous over and over again, saying, "Hearing that what we do is appreciated and liked brings a smile to my face."

That said, the constant "request" for a thank you can be annoying, even irritating, to the receivers of those gifts–not so much the little grandkids but the parents, aka our grown children.

When a reader posed a question along these lines to Carolyn Hax ("We always thank her for gifts, and these comments feel like she's asking for thank-yous over and over again"), Hax offered several ways for the grown child to deal politely with the recurring queries from her mother about a gift. (One approach: deflect the query with a question, such as "Oh, did you not get our thank-you note?")

But Hax wasn't the only one to respond to the issue. Several of her readers did, addressing not so much the grownchild's question as the grandparent's need for the reassurance that multiple thank-yous bring. One reader suggested that if the grownkids take repeated inquiries as pressure for repeated acknowledgements of your gifts, "then tell your kids you ask these follow up questions because it makes you so happy to bring the grandkids happiness. Say that's all you mean by it and hope you aren't misconstrued."

There's also this: If you've received a thank you–by phone call, email, text or in-person hug–enjoy the expression of enthusiasm and bask in the satisfaction of it. The additional pleasure in hearing a thank you again and again may not be worth the annoyance factor.

(Link to Hax column:Carolyn Hax: I can never thank you enough. No, seriously, it’s become a problem.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Observation: PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi on respecting your offspring’s maturity, growth and point of view

02/07/2018

Forbes gives Indra Nooyi the #3 spot on its list of the World's Most Powerful Moms. Her two daughters are now young adults and in a recent interview with Freakonomics' Stephen Dubner, Nooyi talked about how she has had to adjust her approach to her children–not just to their growing independence and maturity but in stepping away from the cultural ties of her upbringing in Chennai, India.

Here's some of what this Powerful Mom has to say about parenting:

For a long time, especially given my cultural upbringing, I thought you just listen to your parents and you did whatever they asked you to do. Until I had my own kids. And they told me, “No, we are people too. We have our own mind, we do our own thing.” And I learned the tough way, that the rules that applied to me, from my parents to me — I mean, I was a very dutiful kid in many ways. And if the parents said, “Jump over this line,” you jumped over the line, and you didn’t ask questions. As I had children here, and my husband and I, we learned that they’re people too. They have their own thoughts and ideas, and we have to jointly evolve a point of view, as opposed to, “You will listen to me.” In life I’m learning a lot of lessons that are different from my own cultural upbringing.

Dubner also asked Nooyi about the conflicting pressures of being a mother and a daughter as well as a C.E.O.of a billion-dollar company.

NOOYI: I think we grew up in a culture where our parents basically said, “Don’t let these jobs get to you, whatever your job is, because at the end of the day your first priority is being sort of a wife, and a mother, and a daughter, and a daughter-in-law,” and all those roles we have to play. I have a mother who, in particular, believes that fiercely, and believes that these jobs give you crowns, and leave those crowns in the garage. When you come home, don’t try to pretend that you’re still the big boss, because you’re not.

DUBNER: Does that seem a little unfair, because if you were born male, that — she probably wouldn’t say that to you?

NOOYI: That’s correct, but I can’t change her. I can either spend my time trying to change her, or just say, “You know what? Let her think whatever she wants.” All the times that she’s with me, I leave the crown in the garage. The rest of the time I at least bring it and leave it on the front door or somewhere, or a table sort of in the garage. You know something Stephen, I think we all have to develop adaptation strategies, because if we don’t, we’re going to start feeling resentful or angry with whatever’s happening around us. From my perspective, my mom says “Leave the crown in the garage?” Fine, I left it in the garage. I’ve been married 37 years to the same guy. I don’t think I could have balanced all of this, had I brought my crown into the house every day. There’s no way it would have worked. And would I have liked to have brought it in? No, not at the expense of my marriage and my children. I’m married to a great guy, but it required constant, sort of, adjustments to make sure that we both were equal versus each other, and to our children we both were parents, and one was not C.E.O. and one is not C.E.O. I don’t think that works at home at all.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: The unintended consequences of overextending a financial lifeline

01/28/2018

original photo: Palo Coleman

The call came to Paterfamilias. A friend asked if PF could look at his son's resume and counsel him on his job search, a search that wasn't going well. After graduating from college–the first in his family to do so–the son came home to live with his parents but didn't seem to be doing much to get a career job. He did some occasional waitering thanks to his dad's connections, but three years into his post-graduate life, the son seemed to be do little more than fiddling with his smart phone and raiding the refrigerator. The dad was frustrated and thinking of telling his son to move out and support himself.The son is not alone. Lots of twenty-somethings are returning home after college (nearly half of the post-college Millennials who responded to a TD Ameritrade survey in May said they had "moved back to my parents home after college."). Some are failing to launch, with their parents providing financial assistance longer than they expected or intended.

There are times when the helping hand (even if it's just room and board) is in order and affordable. Every family's situation is different, but wherever we fall on that continuum between supporting our kids and insisting they stand on their own, there are consequences to our provisions of assistance.

Some are obvious, like the possible financial strain on our checking or savings accounts. What's being spent to pay an adult child's rent, to feed and clothe them or foot their cell phone bill is money that could be used to pay our bills or be squirreled away in a retirement savings account. When financial assistance goes out in small increments rather than one big lump sum, we may lose track of the negative impact.

Even if we can afford to provide the support, by paying their bills we may be enablers in delaying their ability to function independently and prioritize between "need" and "want." Living at home free of financial responsibility or depending on mom and dad to pay for upkeep eases a necessary burden of responsibility.

There's another unintended consequences that may not be as clear: The impact on the family dynamic. On some level, a body of psychologists tells us, our kids equate gifts with love and when we help one of our children, the others–even if they are doing well financially–may feel we're playing favorites. To ease that tension, we may want to make offers of help to our other children. Or at least an explanation of what we're doing, why and for how long, and whether it will even out in the end.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Parenting Grown Children: Or are they starting to parent us?

01/16/2018

I walk into my daughter's kitchen on a Sunday morning–Paterfamilias and I are visiting for the weekend–and there she is, our daughter working with her daughter (my Grand) on a home work assignment. My daughter is the sounding board, reacting to her daughter's thoughts and questions about an essay our Grand is writing for history class. It's on the Sixth Amendment (Don't bother to look it up. It's the right to a speedy and fair trial).

It's a touching scene–my daughter taking her time to discuss the constitutional issues with her child and encourage her reasoning or redirect her research. It's what parenting is all about.

That afternoon, my daughter and I take a walk. She asks about my blog and a memoir I've been mulling over about my years at Time Inc–my first job right outta college and smack in the middle of the Mad Men years. As she was that morning with her child, my daughter turns into a sounding board–asking questions, offering advice and suggesting avenues of research.

It's touching. Her suggestions are helpful, encouraging and right on point. Is this parenting in reverse? Or should we call it "parenting up?"

We hear a lot about the sandwich generation–how many adult children are caught between taking care of their children and assisting their increasingly frail parents. We've read Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant" for an up front and personal account that covers the frustrations of that journey from an only child's perspective. We aren't on that "something" road. We aren't dependent or frail–at least not yet. But our children are full grown, mature and alarmingly wise adults. We can talk as equals–even though there's a hint of a tilt in the balance toward them. They have become as good at advising us as we have been at offering them our best counsel. We're at a peak moment.

Related articles

Parenting Grown Children: We are at our peril when we give advice they didn't ask for
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Parenting Grown Daughters: What did we see when we saw “Lady Bird” ?

01/06/2018

Many of us who saw Greta Gertwig's Lady Bird were jolted into remembering our difficult relationships with our mothers–or, even closer at hand, with our daughters. A friend–the mother of a daughter who has been living abroad for 10 years–sent this email:

Have you seen Lady Bird? The mother/daughter relationship was heart breaking and I have spent time thinking about the times what I wanted my daughter to be got in the way of my liking what she was.

I am going to suggest she see it while she's here [on a two-week visit]. If she does, that should make for some interesting conversation.

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