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PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Observation: Michelle Singletary on adult children still living at home

06/13/2023

A few weeks ago I posted a blog about a relatively new trend: Our adult children–college graduates and/or employed adults in their 20s–have been moving back home and staying there for longer than, say, we would have at their age. Since my children have long grown and flown, mine was an observational piece about economic pressures as a possible cause.

More recently, Michelle Singletary, the Washington Post's "Color of Money" columnist, put a more personal face on the phenomenon. Her 20-something children, she writes,

"all live at home, and, despite it being the smartest move in a high-cost area, they often feel the need to explain their living situation to avoid the twisted lips of condemnation that they should be more financially independent."

As a parent, Singeltary wonders if those twisted lips are pushing young adults too hard to meet certain money milestones. AS part of her argument, Singletary notes that in a previous column addressing financial tips for graduates, she had laid out the path as she saw it for reaching financial independence. Hers was an unhurried one. The more recent column carries readers reactions to her tips. Several wrote to disagree with her suggestions, which ranged from holding back on buying a house and tackling college debt before putting money into savings to realizing that debt can be destructive if overused.

Singletary closes out the back-and-forth discussion with a quote from a 28-year-old reader:

"From my perspective, it's helpful to hear the wide-ranging perspectives folks have about these hot-button topics. I have always thought of personal finance as very cut-and-dry as if there was only one right way to do things. But there is a laundry list of learnings of what's not the best idea. Finance isn't always so cut-and-dry."

And neither is the decision for a young adult to move back home till they've got the wherewithal to move out and on.

painting: Pierre Bonnard, "The Conversation."
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Observation: On getting beyond the empty-nest blues.

05/22/2023

In an essay for the Washington Post's Parenting column (The graduation speech we should be giving to parents), author Mary Laura Philpott puts into perspective what lies ahead for soon-to-be empty nesters.

The exact circumstances have been different for all of us, but among my friends, we’ve experienced countless surprises after our kids reached legal adulthood. We’ve navigated more changes of plans, academic hurdles, social issues, money troubles and midnight phone calls than all the pillowcases and shower caddies we bought back when we thought checking off shopping lists was the same as being ready. Back before we realized the stuff they packed was the least important part of being prepared. There’s so much joy and discovery ahead, but there are challenges coming too, and you can’t predict them. You owe it to yourself to shore up your strength, because being a parent never ends. It only changes.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Doomed: Our adult children’s concerns about our drag on their future

05/05/2023

Our adult children are worried about us. Not necessarily about our health and well-being. It's more a generation vs generation thing and the fear that the aging population (that's us) might doom their economic future. That is, we'll drain the purses that support Medicare and Social Security and leave them working without a future safety net and in a disrupted economy. Here's why: Those of us who are currently working pay into a fund that pays benefits to those who are retired. Since we're living longer than our parents and their parents did, we're using up those funds faster than they can be replaced. The math is not in Gen Z's favor.

To sum it up with brief factoids:

The share of Americans age 65 or older is expected to grow faster over the next 30 years than the share of Americans between the ages of 25 and 54, the so-called “prime working age.”

The labor force participation rate is expected to dip over the coming decades.

With more people in need of care and fewer people working, economists see a potentially crushing burden on the U.S. economy and welfare system.

All is not doom and gloom. There are economists out there who see an alternative reality. A 538 story reports on three scenarios that tackle the labor part of the problem and one that takes a less gloomy look at the financial side.

Encore Careers: Jim Johnson, a professor at UNC's business school, sees us–America’s 70 million or so baby boomers –as an asset that could help build “the longevity economy,” which is what the economy will have to look like to accommodate an aging population. Here's how he puts it:

“Everything has to change in both the built environment and the social environment to accommodate an aging population. … Given the labor market challenges that we're facing today, post-COVID, ‘encore careers’ [beginning a new vocation later in life] are something that we're going to have to pursue in a major way.”

Immigration Boost. Higher rates of immigration help countries experiencing population aging because immigrants tend to be younger and therefore more able to work than the domestic population. Many economic forecasters assume that by 2030, population growth from immigration will supersede that from natural increases (births minus deaths).

Recruiting Workers. Only two OECD countries spent less than the U.S. on programs to encourage labor market participation — like job training programs and employment subsidies — as a share of their GDP. Economists suggest that we (theU.S.) invest more in such programs to get more people working.

We Have Assets: We may not be the drain on the social security purse that everyone fears. As retirees, many of us have saved for our so-called Golden Years. What sets us apart from our European counterparts is the share of income we older residents draw from assets, rather than government transfers, in our old age. That means we may not be the burden Gen Z fears we will be.

painting: Heidi Malott
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Bank on It: Why aren’t our adult kids moving out and on?

04/25/2023

I remember it well: The thrill of graduating from college, getting my first "career" job and, highlight of highlights, moving out of my parent's house in the suburbs and into a one-bedroom apartment in The City with my best friend as a roommate.

A generation later, our kids graduated from college and did things a little differently. They had the thrill of independence by moving around the country, taking non-career jobs and living in group homes with an assortment of roommates. They eventually figured out what they wanted to do with their lives. But they never lived in our house again.

Another generation later, reports tell us, the kids aren't into the kick of independence. A good number of them aren't moving into their own apartments or taking a share of a room in a group house in a city in another part of the country: They're living at home with their parents–even if they have "career" jobs that pay well. They're doing this while they calculate how much in savings it will take for them to achieve their personal and financial goals. Those goals may not include living independently right now.

It's a trend that's been noticed by the NYTimes. Here's the newspaper's observation/explanation for the phenomenon:

Young adults are often encouraged to leave the nest as a rite of passage to establish financial independence and build a life and career away from their parents. But for some members of Generation Z and younger millennials, factors like the high cost of living, student debt, family obligations or cultural traditions keep them living at home for longer than expected. The pandemic and its resulting economic downturn also forced many young adults to move back in with their parents.

A Pew Research Center survey this past summer gives the rising trend a numerical perspective.

In July 2022, half of adults ages 18 to 29 were living with one or both of their parents. This was down from a recent peak of 52% in June 2020 but still significantly higher than the share who were living with their parents in 2010 (44% on average that year) or 2000 (38% on average).

Many of us are waiting for our adult kids to move on and out, but generation Z seems to see the world as more perilous and less financially sound than we did. And they're not going anywhere for now. The thrill is gone.

painting: Edward Hopper
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

The New Sandwich Generations: We’re in the mix somewhere.

04/06/2023

We've all heard of the sandwich generation–the one where we're on the hook for caring for our aged parents and our young children. What with many of us living longer and the needs of our adult children changing, there are two variations on the sandwich motif.

One is the club sandwich: We're taking care of our aging parents and still supporting our adult children.

The other is the grand-sandwich: We're taking care of our aging parents and helping out with our grandchildren.

Either way, the generation in the middle (it may be our adult children rather than us) has a load of emotional stress and time-consuming responsibilities say nothing of dealing with a financial squeeze.

A Washington Post story posts some of the details for those of us caught in the middle or worried about our adult children who are stuck there:

Point one: The financial burdens associated with being responsible for multiple generations are rising, but the main culprit may not be elderly parents but adult children.

With more post-college youths coming home to live with parents or doing so throughout school, there are now estimates that nearly 30% of 25-to-34 years olds live with their parents. Essentially this leaves parents taking care of many of their children's financial burdens in addition to tending to other responsibilities they may bring about.

Point two: The emotional stress of caring for elderly parents runs deep.

Those amid the sandwich generation are handed double duty by also wanting or needing to help take care of their aging parents—a role many consider far more their responsibility than taking care of adult children. Whether their parents live at home, in a facility or within their home, the stress can become overwhelming. The burdens of medical costs, helping with daily activities, overseeing supervision, legal considerations and other concerns can take a physical and emotional toll on top of ongoing financial concerns.

art: Rauschenberg
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Money Matters: Should a financial gift come with strings attached?

03/21/2023

We are a generation that wants to–especially if we have the wherewithal to–help our kids out financially. Whether it's a gift to assist with the downpayment on their first house or money to pay health insurance premiums, we're often very generous with our grown children.

Whatever the reasons behind the gift, there is always a question of whether they do with it what we intended. That is, if we hand over a chunk of cash to pay down their car loan, will we be angry if they use the cash to buy new clothes.

In a recent Social Qs column, Philip Galanes answered a reader who told Galanes she often sends her brother and sister-in-law, who were living in financially tight circumstances, a check "to make their lives easier." Her aim, she explained, was to make sure they had money for emergencies; that her largesse would, in effect, be put aside as a safety net. But when her brother called to thank her for a recent gift, he mentioned that he and his wife had used it to travel to Europe. Her question–and one that applies directly to those of us who are financially generous to our grown children–was, how could she make sure, without dictating how they use the money, that they use it responsibly–at least responsibly in her eyes.

Galanes's answer is a practical one for those of us who struggle with the same or a similar issue:

There is nothing wrong with calling your brother to say: “Please tell me to butt out if you like, but I worry about your financial security. If you ever have an emergency and can’t pay an essential bill, please let me know, and I will try to pitch in.” From a distance, this seems to be what you want to do: help protect them without becoming their bank or fairy godmother.

But to continue giving them money and then feeling resentful when they spend it differently from how you imagined, isn’t fair to any of you — particularly given your hazy sense of their financial condition and prudence.

In other words, we can tell our kids there's a string attached to a particular gift–paying off of a car loan, say–and hope they use it that way or we could pay off the loan directly. No point building up resentments over gifts: they're supposed to be joyful and helpful not a sourse of future ill will.

Blessed are those of us who are able to give the gift and trust our children to use it as they see best.

painting: Picasso
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

The Five Stages of Grandparenting

02/20/2023

As parents we worried, watched and weaned our children through their various stages of growing up: from wee babies to toddlers to teens and beyond. Now our kids are having kids and as grandparents we're experiencing those stages but in a different way. At least that is the point Karen Rancourt, who writes an advice column for Grand Magazine . as Dr. Gramma Karen, makes in her list of grandparent stages.

The stages, Dr. Gramma Karen writes, "are intended to provide a framework to think about and better understand grandparenting roles and how these roles change as grandchildren age." Of course, they may vary as more grandchildren are added to the family. You can read it all here but below is my brief summary of the Big Five stages of grandparenting.

            Stage 1: Grandparents as indispensable contributors (birth to 4 years old): We the grandparents are very involved in our first-born grandchild's life, called into service by the inexperienced parents for advice and counsel. We're highly valued for our experience and wisdom.

           Stage 2: Grandparents as critical contributors (4 to 8): As our adult children become more practiced as parents, our greatest value is in spending time with our grandchild. We do a lot of teaching, educating and hanging out. Our grandchild may even consider us their best friend.

            Stage 3: Grandparents as important contributors (8-12): Friends become our grandchild's focal point. We're less of the main attraction. Our role is being social directors and chauffeurs, helping with the arrangements and transportation to help the grandchild be with their friends or go sport practices or art classes. We're chauffeurs; we support our grandchild from the sidelines.

            Stage 4: Grandparents as occasional contributors (12-16): The reality for many pf us is that our grandchild and their parents (our adult children) need us less as an active part of their lives. Our main role now is to be a backup–we might take grandchild to an activity or doctor's appointment when the parents have other commitments.

            Stage 5: Grandparents as nonessential contributors (16 – adulthood): We realize, sigh, that we are no longer needed. Our work as participants in the ongoing growth and development of our grandchild is done.

As a grandparent in stage 5, I find that nonessential tag stings. And yet, much as child rearing was, each grandparenting stage is somehow more entrancing than the previous one. We may not be essential in stage 5, but we are still privy to the joy of being around our young adults and understanding the world through their eyes.

I can't help but end with this snippet of Robert Browning verse: "Grow old along with me/the best is yet to be…"
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Gifts for Grownchildren and Grandkids: The frustrations of the no “Thank-you” note

02/09/2023

It's the irritant that won't go away: A good number of readers–of my blog and of advice columns–have vented deep anger about not being thanked for presents they send. Some have considered calling a halt to the gift-giving or, in the case of gift cards or cash, cutting down on the size of the gifts. Some of us hold out for written missives on fine-grained paper but many of us have evolved and accept a thank-you via email, text or phone message. All we want to know is that our gift was received and, even more, that it was appreciated. For one reader of Carolyn Hax's column, the gift-giving was not just about bringing pleasure to a loved one. They were her way "to let them know we love them and that we are not going to forget that they are part of the family."

And therein lies the rub. In her reply, Carolyn Hax zeroes in on a larger issue that she calls "the diminishing relevance of gifts for the emotional purpose we generally intend." Hax remembered receiving gifts from various relatives when she was a child and that the feeling of love for the sender was not from the gift but from year-round efforts to have a relationship with her.

The reflection leads her to look at the issue from the recipients’ point of view. And therein lies some explanation for the lack of response from our big and little loved ones.

… anyone buying gifts as emotional outreach is using steeply devalued currency. Another sweater/toy/tchotchke! Thanks?

Which doesn’t excuse the death of polite thank-yous — I will defend and urge and send them to my last breath — but may help explain it.

This is clear from the anguish I hear from the recipients’ side. Anything but the most useful, imaginative, sustainable or apt gift, small or large, risks incurring an obligation on the recipient. To find a use or place for it, to regift or dispose of it responsibly, to show somewhat unfelt gratitude for it, to tamp down the guilt of costing someone money and being a helpless party to natural resource depletion. Call these recipients killjoys or ingrates or both, but you can’t say they’re wrong.

Thus my advice: Think carefully about what you want these gifts to say to the children in your family. Try to think of a different, more personal, non-holiday-stuff-pegged way of saying whatever it is; adopt that way.
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Observation: We are no longer the “finishing school” for our adult kids

01/04/2023

We may not like the way our adult kids dress or tat their arms or use foul language. We may want them to change the way they cut their hair or, for their health's sake, lose weight! But "fixing" adult kids is a ship that has sailed. They are who and what they are–much as we'd like to tweak a habit or look or two.

Carolyn Hax addresses one aspect of the "appearance" issue in an answer to a mom whose children use profanity on a regular basis. ("It makes my kids seem crass," the mom worries.) She wants to know what to do to correct her children's salty language, language that she fears could harm them professionally.

Here's the wisdom Hax imparts:

This isn’t a what-is-a-mother-to-do question anymore, not with your kids in their 20s.

Instead, it’s about where your authority ends and theirs (or anyone else’s) begins when it comes to decorum. Do you have standing to ask your kids to curb their profanity in your presence? Yes, you do, as anyone does. Do they have the right to ignore your requests? Yes, technically they do, though that’s rude and I hope they don’t exercise it. Do you have to stand for that? No, you don’t. But they’re your kids, so you may understandably have other priorities in your relationships with them.

art: self-portrait by Sara Cain
PARENTING GROWN CHILDREN: The children may be grown but we still have our issues.

Holiday Greetings: And a reminder about stress and family get togethers.

12/14/2022

The Holidays are upon us. May there be peace and joy in our lives and in family get-togethers.

But just in case, here's a column I wrote a few months ago about the behavioral stresses at play when our adult children are in our company for extended periods of time. May we all relax and enjoy our children's company and they revel in ours without pushing any emotional buttons. So as a reminder, here's the column on the baked-in stresses of holiday get-togethers with adult children:

The holidays are coming. Maybe you've been distracted by the disastrous hurricanes or the sudden outbreak of winter weather. But Thanksgiving is not that far away. That dinner often sits on the back burner because, unlike multi-generational family get-togethers around Christmas, it's supposedly free of stress and anxiety.

Don't you believe it! Thanksgiving may not mean gift-giving and big get-togethers at grandma's house; it may not have religious overtones or problems with someone drinking too much eggnog. But it still creates demands on family togetherness.

One friend, whose son and daughter are both married with teenage children, is navigating a path between Thanksgiving "suggestions" from her children. The siblings had a falling out this summer and now their proposals for Thanksgiving dinner, though based on rational reasons, exclude the other one. A compromise has been hammered out: The grandparents (my friend and her spouse) will spend Thanksgiving Thursday dinner with their son, who lives nearby and travel to Boston on Friday to have a second Thanksgiving feast with their daughter and her family. It's not that the compromise is an unreasonable solution. In fact, many of us who can't be in two places at once, have doubled down (doubled up?) on Thanksgiving dinners. We did so last year. For my friend, though, the double dinner makes it clear that the animosity between her children has not cleared up, and that's what's making her miserable about Thanksgiving.

There's another stress that may surface around holiday visits–especially when they include an overnight or two at our house or theirs. Some of our kids may be worried about spending too much time with us! This issue was posed and answered in a New York Times story with the provocative title: Your Mom is destined to annoy you

The column handed out suggestions to help our grown children survive a holiday visit with us. Since visits are a two-way street, here's the "sanity-preserving advice" they're getting that may apply to us as well.

Prepare for your inevitable regression. From our children's persepctive, "It’s not a question of if the regression is going to happen, it’s when."

Our kids are advised to ask themselves where there are "particular topics of conversation or physical places that tend to send your family into a tizzy" and then try to avoid those topics and places.

One solid piece of advice we can act on as well: "if the family dinner table always devolves into chaos, try going out to eat one night and see if it improves relations."

Get ready for parenting criticism. Our adult children–particularly our daughters–are on knife's edge waiting for us to criticize their mothering skills. How grandchildren are being raised is a major trigger for this dynamic.

Our daughters are advised to “try to remind yourself that it feels like criticism, but it is an expression of caring. Your mother just wants everything to go well for you, and she’s trying to help (even if it makes you want to scream into a pillow)."

We are offered advice on how to keep that screaming to a minimum: "Bite your tongue, because even the most benign (to you) suggestion may be perceived as criticism."

Make space for yourself. You will need an escape hatch from time to time.

Our kids are advised to create space in order to "get some emotional distance from your family." This could mean hiding out in the bathroom for 10 minutes to cool down, structuring the length of visits or springing for a hotel rather than staying in our guest room.

What works for them should work for us as well. It's not as though we aren't feeling similar tensions and need breathing room as well. Just don't let that bathroom get too crowded.

Don’t expect change. The holidays are stressful. "There won’t be a magical solution to your family trauma over the holidays."

This is not, our kids are advised–and we are too–"the time to bring up old baggage and expect to work through it."

Forewarned is forearmed. On with the holidays. Let joy be unconfined.

painting: Baillargeon