PenPenWrites

The holidays–especially the two big ones in November and December–can loom as a misery for some families. The difficulty of travel, the forced togetherness at an endless meal, the anxiety over family infighting. There are joys, too, but for many of our adult kids who face long miles of travel with cranky children the holidays don’t loom bright.

Do they have to spend the holidays with us, their parents? That was the question raised in a NYT The Ethicist piece. The answer was penned by ethicist Kwame Anthony Appiah

For the writer of a letter to Appiah, there are issues about travel with young children and extended-family dysfunctions. At other times of the year, visits to parents are easier to pull off, calmer and friendlier. In answer to the reader’s query about the family’s obligation to travel forth at Thanksgiving, Appiah made two points that sum up our kids’ obligation to us at holiday times and ours to them.

• Adult kids have special obligations to their parents; family ties matter morally. But those obligations are limited by feasibility, fairness and the interests of the adult child’s household.

• Ethical “special duties” run in both directions: Parents should also avoid placing recurrent, disproportionate strains on their adult children, particularly when other, workable forms of togetherness exist.

Not being together for a holiday on a specific day is not the end of the world. A friend, whose kids live a four-hour drive away, doesn’t even bother with a family get-together. Her tradition is to go out to dinner with friends and call it a day. If I can’t make it to my family’s gathering point for the holiday (plane travel is sooo unreliable; the weather can be wicked), I’ll binge on Ken Burns’ American Revolution and store-bought stuffing mix plus I’ll FaceTime virtual hugs with everyone I’m not getting to see in person. At least I think that would keep me in good cheer.

painting: Norman Rockwell