PenPenWrites

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Detachment Parenting: We can interfere in their lives but only if we do it subtly

03/25/2015

One of the by-laws of parenting adult children is to take our sticky hands off the steering wheel. We're practitioners of the art of detachment parenting now.

But there are times when we can mess around in some of the quotidian parts of their lives and do it in a way that is so subtle it doesn't churn the family waters. That's what my friend Lily did when her daughter (an assertive banker stationed in Hong Kong) let an unfortunate situation develop with the education of her son, Lily's Grand.

Here's Lily's tale, as she told it to me:

"My daughter got a wonderful promotion–she was transferred to Hong Kong and put in charge of Southeast Asia for her bank. Even before she got to Hong Kong, she found a good private school for her son who was starting first grade.

On the first day of classes, she went to the school to pick him up. She looked at the math paper he had in his hand and saw it was stuff he already knew. My daughter can be somewhat abrupt. She went right up to the teacher and said, "He's working at a much higher level than this. I hope you're going to do something about it!"

Since then, the notes from the teacher have been curt and formal. The teacher uses only her formal name, never her informal one and that is a sign that she doesn't like the family.

When I went to visit my daughter and her family this winter, I decided I would go to the school and spend a few hours there. I thought I could show them that not everyone in the family is curt, that we're friendly people. I observed a lot of the lessons. I told the teacher how I was a teacher before I retired and how impressed I was with how she handled her classroom. Five hours later I headed back to my daughter's home. All my daughter knew was that I went to school to observe. I shared my observations with her–nothing more.

I think I made a difference. A few days later, a note came from my grandson's teacher and it was signed with her informal name.

Taking on a role in a grownchild''s relationship with a child's teacher can be a minefield. Trying to undo a situation that your grown child inadvertently created can cause deep resentment on the part of the grownchild. It's none of our business what their relationship is with the school and the teacher. And yet it is in that we care deeply. We want our grandchild to settle in happily and peaceably and be a joyous learner.

There's a fine line here. It's not as though Lily went to the school and apologized to the teacher for her daughter's abruptness. She didn't say, "That's how she is" or anything like that. She just showed a friendlier flag and let that work its way through the system.

Guidelines from the grown kids on how to be a good parent to them

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Posted in detachment parenting, grandchildren, letting go

17 responses to “Detachment Parenting: We can interfere in their lives but only if we do it subtly”

Cathy Chester

03/25/2015

I love this conversation, and although I don’t have grandchildren it still applies to grown children. Use a lighter touch. Our son is 22 and as a boy doesn’t tell us much. But when he does, or we think something is “up” we use different techniques to help than he did when he was a child. All a learning process, eh?

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Dana

03/25/2015

There are real lessons here, parenting never ends we just need to figure out how to to it as we all grow…Thanks for sharing

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Cathy Chester

03/25/2015

I love this conversation, and although I don’t have grandchildren it still applies to grown children. Use a lighter touch. Our son is 22 and as a boy doesn’t tell us much. But when he does, or we think something is “up” we use different techniques to help than he did when he was a child. All a learning process, eh?

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penny

03/25/2015

A learning process with lots of ups and downs. Going for the lighter touch is just the ticket. Not always easy to find it–this is the voice of experience talking.

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Rena McDaniel

03/25/2015

It’s such an important topic. I have two grown children who have children and trying help without getting in their way can be challenging at times.

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penny

03/25/2015

You’re so right that the parenting never ends, even as the problems our kids face are more complicated. We can only hope we brought them up with the wherewithal to think things through rationally and do the right thing–whatever that is. So hard not to lead anymore. But still so much fun to be part of their lives.

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penny

03/25/2015

Trying to help them without letting know you’re doing it–there’s a challenge for parents of grown children. Sometimes it’s a hard to remember they are independent adults and not only don’t need our help, they would resent it as well.
thank for stopping by. I’ve been following your experience in taking care of your mother. A whole different set of challenges.

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Jennifer Connolly

03/25/2015

Great topic. It’s such a slippery slope to parent adult children. I find myself biting my tongue so many times, while my inner voice is saying, “But I know best”!

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penny

03/25/2015

The biting the tongue. The walking on egg shells. The not telling them there’s an easier/better way to do whatever it is they’re doing. So hard to be a parent of adult children and have so much experience to share. But so worth it to see them sail on independently even when it means they make mistakes. And sometimes we find out that they’ve figured out a better way than ours.

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rich greene

03/25/2015

An inspiring and impressive story, but there’s a slippery slope here — especially for parents/grandparents with less of a sense of nuance. Also, what if things hadn’t gone well?What if the teacher had irrationally acted badly after the visit? Lots of questions follow.

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penny

03/25/2015

You raise an interesting point. Before we stick our nose in our grown child’s business, we parents and grandparents should rely on the Hippocratic physician’s mantra: First, do no harm.

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Helene Cohen BLudman

03/25/2015

There definitely is a fine line between “helping” and interfering. It sounds like things worked out well in this case.

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penny

03/25/2015

It did work out for my friend but, as you suggest, finding that fine line is the tricky part for most of us.

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All that’s Jas

03/26/2015

I would do the same thing. Not as much for my daughter’s but for my grandchild’s sake. Thank you for linking up to Thursday Favorite Things and we hope to see you again next week!

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Michele

03/26/2015

It is difficult to stop being a hands on parent. This is a great example of how to parent an adult child effectively. We can always teach by our example.
Enjoyed visiting from the Thursday Blog Hop.

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penny

03/26/2015

Funny how that works: the stakes are always higher when our grandkids are involved. Thanks for stopping by and commenting

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penny

03/26/2015

You’re right on about teaching by example. That’s one other factor to factor in when we try to figure out how to “interfere” without interfering.
thanks for stopping by.

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