PenPenWrites

I came across this to-do (and not-to-do ) list for parenting grown children. It was compiled by a mother (Candelaria Silva) with two grown children in their 30s who are still, Silva reports, "talking to me–unbidden." I was particulaly taken with a birthday card she sent each child on that child's 30th birthday. It was made up of a hand-written list of 30 things she loved and admired about that child. There is something so heart warming about the idea–not just the sending of the list but the sitting down and ruminating over all the positive stuff you love about your child. 

As to the rest of her to-do list, she's not oblivious to the negative. She just doesn't dwell on it. And she obviously parents her grown children with a light touch. Here are some other highlights from her account of what she calls "positive methods I've found to parent adult children."

* Forward articles with pertinent info from newspapers, magazines, and other people’s blogs.
* Send I love you cards and notes regularly.
* Listen – intently as an ally. Just say “uh-huh” every now and then to let them know you’re listening, while taking notes for follow-up info to send.
* Don't hover. (No helicopter parenting here.)
* Don’t try to solve their problems.
* Don’t lecture, ever.
* Don’t remind them of their past experiences and choices.
* Encourage.
* Make the offer to offer advice, a response, a suggestion lightly, almost as an aside.
* Don't hold your breath waiting for them to ask for your advice.
* Count to 20 when prompted to let go with a torrent of worries and cautions.
* A thoughtful letter with suggestions sent by postal mail (that you don't ever check to see if they've received) works.
* Did I mention prayer, meditation, crossing fingers?