PenPenWrites

"So our first grandparenting challenge is how to be involved in grandchildren's lives, without committing the grandparenting sin of interfering."

That's one of the opening lines in an English study on 21st century grandparenting. Based on 46 in-depth interviews of English grandparents, the University of Manchester study comes to the conclusion that most grandparents feel that interfering means they aren't being a good parent or grandparent. The study summed up the grandparents' opinion this way: "Grandchildren might be confused if they get mixed messages from parents and grandparents, and they might question their parents' authority."

Yes, we here in the U.S. don't want to be guilty of the mixed message, either. But what makes not interfering a challenge, according to the study, "is that grandparents naturally want the younger generations of their family to turn out well which can make it hard for them to stand back if they disagree with how their grandchildren are brought up." 

So true. The stakes are high. And we know the parent is the disciplinarian-in-chief. and yet, it takes a saint–or a very evolved grandparent–to hew single-mindedly to the non-interference track. So hard to see the right path and not share that wisdom.

But even among the English grandparents in the study, there are times when they found it appropriate to interfere: if they thought that grandchildren were being brought up in a way that could cause long-term damage, or if the parents were divorcing or splitting up and needed more support.

And if their grown children ask them for advice? "In this case," the study says, "interfering is more likely to be described as offering support."

The English are so nuanced.