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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

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© Penelope Lemov and Parenting Grown Children, 2025. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given.

Vacation Togetherness: When is enough, enough?

I read the headline of this Ask Amy column and my first thought was: OMG. One of my children has taken up pen to complain about paterfamilias and me. "Husband wants a break from vacations with in laws," it reads. The letter writer says he is a married man in his early 40s who lives carefully within his means. His in laws live 2,000 miles away, and for the past 10 years, he and his wife and family have gone to visit them twice a year–and that's become a point of argument with his wife. "Am I wrong," he asks, "to want to do something else with my vacation once in a while?"  And, P.S., it only made him feel worse when his in-laws offered to settle the argument by paying his family's airfare.

"Ask Amy" is on his side. "This isn't really about money" she writes. "This is about not wanting to spend every single vacation with your in-laws. And brother, I'm on your side."

Hard to argue with her point or her tone. Are we sometimes tone deaf? Or cling too much to a grown child who has moved far away? Or allow our grown child to cling? Sometimes we can kid ourselves into thinking we're being incredibly generous and helpful–inviting our grown child and family on–and paying for–vacations. Togetherness on vacation is a fine, fine thing. But you can have too much of a fine thing. Certainly, your child's spouse can.

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4 responses to “Vacation Togetherness: When is enough, enough?”

  1. Karen Avatar
    Karen

    I wholeheartedly agree with this. In the 15 years or so since my oldest child moved out and got married, we have had exactly two family vacations. The first one, my husband and I made reservations at a resort on the Pacific coast (we are from Atlanta) and then sent emails to all the kids, letting them know where and when, and inviting them to come if they wanted to. Three out of four came, flying in from England, Georgia, and Virginia to meet us there. The point is, it was THEIR choice and THEIR money.
    Last spring, 13 years later, we did the same thing–only we were now living in Arizona, and we made the reservations in our home town in Georgia. Again, three out of four joined us there. We had a fabulous time. We did not plan all of our time together. The kids had plenty of time to go off on their own. I paid for all of THEM to go to the Atlanta Aquarium, but I did not go with them to that event. I wanted them to be able to spend time together with their children. It was a very pleasant week. I think as long as it is 1. not mandatory for attendance, and 2. THEIR choice to attend, a family vacation can be fun.

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  2. Susan Adcox Avatar
    Susan Adcox

    Just to play devil’s advocate for a moment–if you don’t expect family members to make the effort to maintain family ties, then you will wake up one day to find that those ties are weak or non-existent. It’s just like expecting your kids to make good grades in school. It’s more likely to happen if they know it is expected of them. Now, should a husband and wife have an opportunity to have a vacation that doesn’t involve the in-laws? Certainly. And the travel shouldn’t be one-way. The older generation should travel to the younger generation sometimes, if their health permits. Grandma and Grandpa could even travel to the grandkids and babysit them so that Mom and Dad could have a romantic week together! But my attitude toward my sons-in-law is: You chose to be a part of this family when you married my daughter.

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  3. Enoughalready Avatar
    Enoughalready

    The idea that parents have to force togetherness will drive a family apart. I go through this with my family. It is unhealthy not to realize that your children are grown adults with families and traditions of their own. Further u don’t choose your siblings and you may just be incompatible with them. Forcing togetherness and pretending like we are all still living in 1978 under one roof is foolish. It doesn’t allow for who we have become or recognize that our significant others didn’t marry our siblings or parents for that matter. Having a good relationship with in laws requires mutual respect and crossing boundaries and invading vacation time is not respectful. I’m dealing with this myself now with parents who are smothering me causing my husband unneeded stress which is making me very unhappy. I love them but it’s too much. If you want to drive your children away keep on forcing together time.

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  4. penpen Avatar
    penpen

    thanks for your comments and insights. Your points about ‘invasion of vacation time’ and ‘traditions of your own’ hits home. In our effort to revel in family togetherness, we–our should I say I– sometimes forget how much togetherness time our grown children can tolerate. As you put it, our grown kids don’t pick their sister- or brother-in-laws–or their siblings. The match-ups don’t always work for long-term exposure. Thanksgiving dinner may be just enough time for the full family combo.

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