PenPenWrites

There's a new book out on talking to your adult children–and the advice we all give each other to "keep your mouth shut." Ruth Nemzoff, a scholar at Brandeis University, pulls together her studies on the subject in "Don't Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children."

Here's one of the points she makes in an interview:

"One of the most important factors in
maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children is forgiving
both yourself and your child for not being perfect. " And the definition
of perfect changes daily, said Nemzoff. "One day it could mean being
compassionate, and another day it could mean being high achieving with
conflicting desires, so there is no perfection."

On the subject of grown kids moving back into the nest between school and job, she had this to say:

"Tell them what you expect, and invite your
returning child to do the same. Agreeing together about
the rules of the house before your adult child returns may be key to
preventing every out-of-place coffee cup, shoe, or T-shirt from
becoming a cue to reenact past dramas."

Ah the reenactment of things past. We all know we press certain emotional buttons when the kids come home, even when it's just for a visit. If only we knew what they were–as well as they do. I haven't read Nemzoff's book yet, but I will and will report back on some of her other insights.